Roses Won't Grow Without Rain
by Sapphira Rayes
Summary: Always happy and smiling, Rain is a prime example of the typical ‘nice girl’. As sixth year progresses, she becomes trapped in a battle with anorexia, having suffered all her life from low self-esteem. And Sirius Black? Is he the cure or the disease?
1. Introduction

**Hey! This is my first fanfic on here so this is all new for me. Comments and constructive criticism are welcome!**

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It had been unusually warm that morning, even for July. I remember sitting in the doorway of our small terraced house, looking over at the broken window of the flats opposite, and letting the sun catch the tops of my legs. The street was empty, calm and peaceful.

Until that moment, I had never been hit in the face by an owl. I don't think I had even seen one. But before I knew what was happening, I felt the soft impact of an owl's wing on my cheek, and its talon tugging at my hair. Surprisingly nonchalant in spite of the situation, I noticed the envelop tied to its leg, and gently untied it.

_Lorraine Sullivan  
__The Doorway  
__238 Mount Street  
__Reading  
__Berkshire _

I had barely finished reading the letter before my sister, Leah, appeared behind me.

"What's that?" she asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.

I shrugged. "I think it's a joke," I replied weakly, flinching as she snatched the letter from me.

"What the hell is 'Hogwarts'? Sounds like an acne cream."

"It's not real," I said desperately, trying to retrieve the letter from her grasp.

She snorted and ignored me. I watched her expression as she began to read the letter; saw it change when she reached the end.

"Freak," she spat at me, and she scrunched the parchment up and threw it towards me, as she turned to run back up the stairs.

In the end it transpired that the letter was not a joke, and within a couple of months I was onboard a train called the Hogwarts Express, going to a magic school somewhere in the north. I think if the same thing happened to me again, as I am now, I would have been horrifically nervous about meeting hundreds of new people in a place I had never been to, but at the time I was too bewildered to feel anything but excitement to be getting away from home.

The first person I spoke to on the train was a strange girl with dark hair and a chubby face. Her way of greeting me was to shove half of her luggage into my hands and tell me to go and find a spare compartment - but she was so friendly and her smile was so warm, I didn't mind her ordering me about. This was Ruby Summers, who quickly became one of my best friends.

I shared a dormitory with five other girls: Maria Chen, Lucy McFadden, Mary McDonald, Ruby Summers and Lily Evans. I was often slightly jealous of Lily, although I tried my hardest not to be. She was very clever, very pretty, and to top it off, very nice (although she did have an alarming temper). To my surprise, she also became one of my best friends.

Having two best friends seemed odd after my experiences in a muggle primary school. There, strange things had always seemed to happen to me, and so I was labelled the school weirdo. Leah made it even worse. She would tell everyone about my secrets – the secrets only the people you live with know. Perhaps that was why I loved Hogwarts so much. I was no Lily Evans, but people liked me well enough.

And that was me.


	2. House to Home

Thanks Phantasy!

Hope you like the next part. Please tell me if you think Rain is ever starting to develop into a Mary Sue. I really don't want that to happen.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything. Except Rain, Leah, David and Rojo.

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I glared at the mirror. Two spots had formed on my face overnight and I had less than an hour before we left for King's Cross. Sighing, I reached for my concealer, hoping that it would be enough to hide them. I had always had problems with my skin. When I was younger, even sun cream would be enough to bring me out in a rush and in third year you could barely see my forehead through the vast array of pimples that decided to plague my skin. They had calmed down by now, but I still got a few when I was stressed or at certain times of the month.

I scrutinised my reflection. The concealer had taken off the red glare of the spots, and they did look a lot better. One was on my chin and the other on the side of my forehead, near my hairline. Struck by a sudden inspiration, I parted my hair with my fingers, brought my long fringe down over my forehead and pushed the rest back. It did suit me, and it even hid one of my spots. Get in.

I didn't wear much makeup: it always made me feel horribly fake and unclean. I wore the necessities – concealer and lip-gloss, and if I was making an effort, some eye makeup.

"Rain! Hurry up!"

Rolling my eyes, I replied, "Okay, I'll be down in a minute!"

Hell, I wasn't even dressed.

I walked to my wardrobe and chose my navy blue skinny jeans. Skinny jeans didn't normally suit me because I was so small and my legs were quite stocky, but I had found those in a sale a few months ago and loved them.

There was a v-necked summer tank in the airing cupboard (probably Leah's). It was white with embroidery around the v-neck and it billowed out slightly and clung to the hips.

Next came the accessories. I pulled out a long, chunky necklace, two bangles and a sequinned scarf. I shoved an ornamental flower in my curly hair and sprayed myself lightly with perfume.

I grabbed my wand off my bed and raced downstairs. Mum was leaning against the door with an annoyed expression on her face.

"You're gonna miss the train."

"Am not." I took my summer jacket off the banister, put it on and tied the sash around my waist.

"Are too. And you're taking _your_ trunk."

"Compromise? You take Rojo?"

"I can never understand why you called that poor thing Rojo, but yeah, you got yourself a deal."

"Because it's – "

"Oh crap! It's half nine already!"

"An unreasonable hour to be up if you ask me but – "

"Rain, shut up and get your arse out the front door!"

"Okay, okay!"

I walked out with my very _heavy _trunk. Leah was still in bed, and hell was I grateful. I had developed a habit of ignoring my elder sister whenever I came home, but her harsh words still wounded me. They really hurt. And I felt bitter; I hated being blamed for something that wasn't my fault.

We walked to Reading West Station. We lived on James Street so it was only just around the corner from our house.

The train journey was… embarrassing. I accidentally tripped over my trunk and spilt water on this guy sitting opposite me. He was fit and I was mortified. Then Rojo decided to cough up a furball on this old lady's cardigan. She shrieked at me about the 'irresponsibility of youngsters these days'. Not good.

We had to change at Paddington and take the underground to King's Cross. I'd always been fascinated by the tube. When I was little I used to love our trips to London. Leah wouldn't say anything to me, because it was just not cool to be seen with a loser of a sister like me (her words, not mine), and so I could just drift into my own little world while speeding along the Victoria Line.

It was always weird going back to school after summer. I didn't miss much about home, except for mum, but going back and seeing everyone again… it made me a bit nervous. I always wondered if they'd still like me or just go and ditch me. And then I thought that I'd fail everything, that I wouldn't be able to do anything. Maybe I'd fail everything. Maybe I'd get expelled. Although I knew it was an irrational fear, it lingered and made me scared to see everyone and everything again.

At five to eleven we arrived at King's Cross. Mum was starting to get emotional like she always did at this time of year, and, well, so was I. I hugged her, blinking back tears.

"I love you Rain."

"Love you too, Mum."

I turned my trolley round so it was facing the wall.

"Be careful!"

I smiled weakly and started walking.

"Write to me!"

I broke into a slow jog.

"Bye Rain!"

I was full out sprinting.

"Have fun!"

She disappeared. The Hogwarts Express loomed into view. I sighed, relieved. I looked around the platform, and then at the big clock. Two minutes to go.

"RAIN O'SULLIVAN!"

Everything went black and I was strangled by a pair of long arms. I pulled back and looked at the grinning face of David Connor. And then it suddenly registered. It was David, one of my best mates! All my anxiety melted away in an instant and I flung my arms around him.

"I. Have. Missed. You. So. Much."

"Aw, she loves me." And he _subtly _took out my hair flower.

"Yes she does. And give me that back before I shove your annoying grin some place where the sun don't shine."

"You're quite a contrast Miss Sullivan."

"Uh huh."

I suddenly heard a whistle. The train began to move.

"Crap, we're supposed to be on that aren't we?" I said as a David pulled me by the waist into the open door of the carriage.

Once we were safely inside, David turned to me, with a slight rosy tinge on his cheeks.

"You are the most ridiculously relaxed person I have ever met."

"I'm not relaxed. Just used to being late."

"Whatever you say, Pix." Pix was David's pet name for me. According to him I looked like a pixy because I was small. Short, yeah, but I'm not thin. I'm not fat either, just healthily in the middle.

"Where's Ruby and Lily?"

"Lily's in the prefect compartment. She went ballistic by the way, when you were late. She told me that you had specifically told her you were not going to be late at all this year because we're starting NEWTs. Ruby's with the Marauders, snuggling up with Remus, well, not literally snuggling of course, but there was something going on this morning if you want my – "

"And you were the only one decent enough to wait for me."

"Yep. Aren't I amazing?"

"We're going to find the Marauders and Ruby."

"Was a statement or a question?"

"More of an order actually. Let's go."

We wandered down the corridor for a while before finding it. David had been right, Ruby _was_ sitting next Remus and she _was_ looking at him a lot more than necessary.

I grinned and whispered to David, "On the count of 3."

"1…"

"2…"

"3!"

We tore open the compartment door and jumped in.

"Surprise!"

They turned their heads in shock. Ruby was the first to react.

"Rain!"

"The one and only."

We hugged each other comfortably. Ruby was taller than me, a respectable 5' 5", whereas I was a measly 5' 1". Lily was the one with a model figure. Tall and slim, Lily was a fair few inches taller than us both.

David looked a bit put out, but he managed to turn the whole thing into a joke.

"Where's my hug, eh?"

Ruby smiled at him and put her arms around him as well.

"You're not as huggable as Rain."

David folded his arms in mock affront. I turned to the Marauders.

"Hey guys."

James raised an eyebrow. "We've been shunted out of our own compartment."

"Unmercifully and unjustly," Sirius added.

"I do apologise." And I sat down next to Sirius.

"S'ok, Sully, we forgive you." Guess which obnoxious prat said that. _Joking_. I love him really.

"Sully?!" I spluttered.

"You know," Sirius replied cheekily, "Most girls are thankful I even look at them, and here's you complaining that I not only remembered your name, I also gave you a nickname."

"Shut up."

"Original comeback."

"I was hoping it was gonna be more effective."

"Mhmm. Never mind, Sully. We can't all be as witty as me."

"At least we're not all as arrogant as you."

"Ouch. That hurt."

"So will your face if you don't shut it."

"Touché."

"_Original comeback_." I threw his own words back at him.

He laughed and ruffled my hair playfully. "You're learning, Sully."

"From the master himself, no doubt." I rolled my eyes.

"Oi, you two! Quit flirting with each other and join in our group conversation."

Sirius swallowed in annoyance at the word 'flirting'.

Ruby covered the silence. "Okay, let's get the pleasantries out the way. Remus, how was your summer."

Remus sighed. "Okay, I suppose."

"James?"

"Good."

"Rain?"

"Crap."

"Sirius?"

"Ditto."

"Peter?"

"It was quite good. My Aunt Clarissa came and – "

"Davi – Where's David?"

I looked around. David had gone.

I shrugged. "Probably gone to sit with the Ravenclaws, I guess."

"That was a bit – never mind. What grades did everyone get?"

OWLs. I had received a whole range of scored, varying from a D in History of Magic to an O in Astronomy. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I left Hogwarts. I had though about becoming an international quidditch player, but not many people made it, and I was pretty sure I wasn't capable of that. Lily and Ruby both wanted to do Healing (goody two shoes, the pair of them) but I hadn't got the grades needed for that. Ditto with being an auror. I had few strengths, and not many of them lay in those areas.

A few hours later, Lily came back from her prefect duties. She was furious. Some of the Slytherin prefects had been 'abusing their authority' and this was 'just not acceptable'.

Eventually the castle emerged out of the darkness, and a warm glow filled me up inside. I was home.

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	3. Back There Again

**This chapter isn't as long as the last one - sorry! **

**Rain is still very much affected by her childhood and I've tried to emphasize this because I don't think anyone truly recovers from bullying, particularly when it's by family.**

**Please review! Love, Sapphira.**

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The feast was amazing, as per usual. The assortment of hot pumpkin soup, chicken and prettily laid out deserts captured the sole attention of the boys, while all the girls chatted about what they did over the holidays.

That was one of the reasons I hated the first evening back. Typical conversation:

"Hi! How was your holiday?"

"Oh, it was great. Dad took us all to Egypt for two weeks. It was gorgeous! How was yours?"

"Same – we went to Spain, I got a well good tan!"

It might seem harsh, but I really didn't care whether they went to Tenerife or bloody Timbuktu. I didn't want to hear what a great time they had with their families. It was nothing to do with me.

I was usually fairly quiet during the first evening, and the opening of my sixth year was no exception. I spent a lot of my time looking around the Great Hall, and taking it all in again. I looked over at the Ravenclaw table to see what David was doing.

He was looking straight at me. I smiled warmly at him, but when he saw me looking back he averted his eyes. Puzzled, I lowered my gaze. Had I done something wrong? Was he angry with me? I didn't know.

"Sullivan!"

I looked up. "What?"

"Pass the potatoes."

I sighed. Sirius Black was so greedy.

I put my hand on the side of the dish, and as I did so, the yellow vegetables seemed to gain feet and started to run up my arm and hurling themselves at my mouth.

Pranked. Everyone was laughing at me, even Lily and Ruby. Humiliated. The Hufflepuffs had seen and they were chortling at me. The Ravenclaws joined in. Days of my younger self fled back to me. All laughing at me again.

"She wet her bed last night! She's 9!"

_They all laugh at me. Jeering at me. What have I done? Why does this happen to me?_

"Leah, please…""And she talks to her soft toy! Actually talks to it! What kind of freak does that?!"

_More laughing. Help me please! Someone help me!_

"_Shut up," I whisper._

"Is ickle Rainy getting an attitude?"

"_Leave me alone!"_

"_What?" Her face is menacing, full of malice._

"_Leave me alone," pleading this time._

"_Come on then you little home wrecker. Give me your best shot."_

"_Leave me alone."_

"_I don't want to."_

"_I never did anything. It wasn't my fault."_

"_Yes it was. You took my Dad away from me. You and your bitch of a father. And I'm gonna make you pay for it."_

_Fists colliding with my face. Trying to crawl away. Heavy shoes on my fingers. _

"_Please… I'm sorry, just let me go."_

"_Shut up. You disgust me."_

_Spits on me. Tears fall down my face._

"_Leave me alone."_

"_I'll kill you for what you did to me."_

"_I'm sorry!"_

"_Sorry for what?"_

_Look into her face. See hatred there. Pain in my heart._

"_I… I… "_

"_What are you sorry for?"_

"_Ru… ruining your life."_

"_Damn right."_

I gasped, coming back into the present. The laughing had stopped. All the other houses had turned back and the conversational buzz had begun again, but most off the Gryffindors were looking at me oddly.

I exhaled slowly, not meeting anyone's eyes, and looked at my food. It made my stomach curdle. Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore.

Then Dumbledore stood up and started his annual speech. I caught the first few words and then switched into my own world.

I felt sickened. I shouldn't have had to relive that tonight. Hogwarts was a place where I could get away from all of that, not a place that brought it all back to me, and made me look like an idiot in front of the whole school. I felt a sudden rush of anger towards the Marauders, particularly Sirius. Why did they have to pull that on me? Why did they have to do it on anyone? Would they like it if someone did it to them?

My hands had balled into fists. It wasn't _fair_.

"… bid you all goodnight. Prefects, please lead the first years to their respective houses."

I was so glad to get back into the common room. I had missed it so much over the holidays.

I was about to go up to the dorms, when someone stopped me.

"Why did you have to overreact like that?!"

I narrowed my eyes. This time, I would do it. This time I would stand up for myself.

"You made me look like an idiot."

"We pulled a prank on you, so what? You didn't have act like we just threatened to murder you."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't act all superior with me Sullivan. I thought you were all right, that you were in for a bit of a laugh. I didn't realise you were this uptight."

"I'm not uptight."

"Yes you are. And now I've got a detention off McGonagall, thanks to you."

"You don't know anything about me, so don't judge me."

"I've seen enough of you to realise that you're uptight and pitifully boring."

"Fine! I don't care! I don't care about what you think, or about what any of your stupid friends think!"

"Good, because we don't think very highly of you right now."

"Sod off then! Sod off and leave me alone!"

"Don't order me about."

"I'm not – "

"Shut up Sullivan. You seriously think I care about what you've got to say?"

"I… "

He stalked off. He'd got the upper hand. Like everyone does with me.

Tears threatened to fall. I hurried up the staircase before anyone could see me crying. Lily was still with first years, and no one else would be up here yet.

I collapsed onto my bed, curled up and wrapped my arms around knees.

"Rain, you stupid, stupid girl. Now they're all gonna hate you. Just like everyone does. Like you _deserve_.

With a strangled cry, I ran into the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning on it.

I didn't come out for a long time.


	4. Skye Matthews

The cold water stung my skin. I reached for the towel, turning the tap off, and as I dried my face, I examined my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks were blotchy and my eyes were a red and sore from crying. Sure enough, a rough of small pimples now aligned the side of my forehead.

"Rain, are you done yet? Some of us need to have a shower! And if you don't get your arse out of there pretty quick you'll be the one suffering cos you'll have to smell me all day."

"I'll pass, thanks." I said, opening the bathroom door.

"Since when did you become a morning person?"

I shrugged. "I didn't, I just woke up early this morning."

Ruby looked uneasy. "Rain, about Sirius – he's always touchy on the first day back. It's just how he is – don't take it personally."

I wasn't surprised at how well she knew me: Ruby could be very sensitive when she chose to be.

"I don't like being made to look like an idiot. That's all."

"I know." she smiled, and then looked at her watch. "Oh crap, it's eight already! Lily's going to kill us."

She darted back inside the bathroom as I laughed to myself softly. That was Ruby through and through, always late and unorganised. I wasn't really any better; Lily was the prim and perfect one out of us. Ruby was the careless one. Any homework she actually did was handed blotched with ink smudges. She was the Charms genius, and although she wasn't very pretty, she was at least mildly attractive. She had a childish face, with chubby cheeks, a cute grin and aqua eyes. She wasn't the Hogwarts hottie; she hadn't had many boyfriends, but she was the type of person that attracted all the right people. She was a happy, genuine person, and quite naïve.

Lily was a different person entirely. She was the tall, elegant beauty: red hair with the most gorgeous emerald eyes. She was pretty much perfect, an all rounder (crap at quidditch, but that's not the point), and James' crush. Her only defect was her fiery temper.

And then there was me. I was much more complicated than Lily and Ruby. David always told me I had an 'aura of fascination'. I didn't really understand that. I suppose it was a nice way of saying I was weird, but I'd like to think it meant I was mysterious. I was quiet around people I didn't know or didn't trust, but around people I did, I felt I could let rip and be myself.

I was crap at a lot of things, ok at a lot of things, and talented at very few. Quidditch and Astronomy were my two fortes. In Quidditch, I played seeker but of course James was seeker on the Gryffindor team so I never tried out. I doubt I would have tried out anyway; I probably wasn't good enough. I was also quite good at Potions – I had even got an O in my OWL, but Lily always outshone me in lessons.

Astronomy was the one the one thing that I was in my own league in. Nobody could outdo me in it. The stars and the planets had always enthralled me and whenever I felt angry or upset, I would stare up at the night sky, and somehow I seemed to find solace in it.

"RUBY SUMMERS! RAIN O'SULLIVAN! IF YOU BOTH DON'T GET DOWN HERE NOW I AM NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY!"

"I don't think you're happy anyway Lily," I said brightly as I entered the common room.

"Where's Ruby?"

"Um… bathroom?"

"Right. Right that's it." She stalked up the stairs, just as James and Peter came down and saw her go.

James, being the complete idiot he is called out to her, "Oi, Evans!"

I could almost see her seething in anger even though her back was to me.

I shook my head pityingly. "James, you have zero charm."

He gasped mockingly. "Miss O'Sullivan, you look simply radiant this fine morning!"

"Pathetic. But never mind. You've got time to work on it in the millions of years it will take for her to agree to go out with you."

"She likes me!"

"That is _exactly _why she doesn't like you. Take good long look at yourself Potter," I said in a perfect imitation of Lily herself, "Why would _anyone _in their right state of mind go out with such an arrogant toerag as you?"

James snorted. "You sound so much like my beloved, it's scary."

I heard Lily storming down the stairs furiously. I turned to James. "Oh dear. It looks like your _beloved _isn't very happy."

"Ev -!"

I clapped my hand over his mouth. "James, for once in your sad and sorry life, _shut up_!"

I released him, gave him a warning look, before meeting Lily and grinning slightly.

"Okay?"

"I don't want to be late on our first day back, why can't she understand that? She's supposed to be one of my best friends!"

I sighed. Ruby had gone and done it now. They probably wouldn't be speaking for a few lessons now and I would have bridge the awkward silence between them.

I was right. Neither Ruby nor Lily spoke one word to each other on the way down to breakfast. I tried to involve them in a conversation but although they answered my questions freely, and politely they avoided eye contact.

These periods of icy silence were the norm for us. It was unusual for me to have an argument of any kind with either Lily or Ruby, but they were both very obstinate and dissimilar, which meant they had frequent clashes.

I finished my breakfast ten uncomfortable minutes later and after having been given my new timetable by McGonagall, left for Astronomy alone. I was the only Gryffindor apart from Remus and Peter who had both taken the subject with me, but I assumed they had already left.

On my way up to the tower, I found Sirius. He was taunting Skye Matthews in front of a whole crowd of people, laughing at her. I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of pity for her. I had been in her situation myself: I knew how it felt and I wasn't about to let someone else go through everything I had all those years ago. It destroyed you as a person and Skye didn't deserve that. Yes she was a Slytherin, but she wasn't in the clique of muggle-born haters like Bellatrix and Severus. I had worked with her in Astronomy in fourth year, and she was nice. She hadn't minded that I was a Gryffindor or a muggle-born: I was still a person to her.

So, summoning all the courage I possessed, I stepped in.

"Leave her alone, Sirius."

He ignored me.

"I said leave her alone!"

He turned slowly to me my eyes. "What?"

"You heard me."

"Yeah, I did. And I want to know why you're standing up for _that_."

"Because she's a human being, just like you are. She's never done anything to you."

"She's a Slytherin." The arrogant, close-minded look in his eyes fuelled my anger.

"You know gets me about you Sirius? You hate them because they judge people based on how pure their blood is, but has it ever occurred to you that you do just the same? You're bullying her because of what house she's in! And that makes you just as bad as Bellatrix!"

"How _dare _you compare me to _her_," he said, his face full of venom and some kind disgust that I had never seen him direct at me before.

I didn't back down. The injustice of the situation in front of me ignited another flame of fury inside me.

"If you don't want to be compared to her, maybe you shouldn't act the way you do. You think you're Mr Popular, that everyone loves you. But how many people actually love you for who you are? None of the girls love you. They lust for you, because you're hot; they don't like you as a person. You have three real friends and that's it.

Have you ever wondered how those people felt when you abused them? When you humiliated them in front of the whole school; treated them like dirt. Of course you didn't! Because you're selfish, arrogant, spiteful and malicious."

For a moment he was speechless. Maybe was surprised that someone wasn't falling at his feet for a change. Or maybe he was just surprised to see Rain O'Sullivan angry.

But then he sneered at me. "Whatever you say, Sullivan. But you know what? Whatever people think of me, they think far worse of you."

"That's just it, Sirius. I'm not popular, but the friends I have genuinely care about me, they don't just hang around me for the popularity, like Peter does with you."

"Peter doesn't – shut up, you silly cow! You don't know anything about me!"

"You're right, Sirius," I interjected, "I don't. But I know damn well that all those people who supposedly worship the ground you walk on don't give a shit about you, and once they're out of this school they won't give a second thought to you."

"Did I ask for your opinion? No. So get out of my face."

"How about no! I'm sick of you prancing around this school like you own the place. Skye might just be another grey stone in the wall to you, but she's a person. A person who doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of your hatred for your family."

He stood facing me haughtily, like I was just a minor blip on the cosmic map to him.

I had had enough. I was done with people like him. I had spent my whole life surrounded by people who tormented me for fun.

And that's when I realised that I actually hated Sirius Black.

I had never liked him. He picked on people for no reason with the muppets he called friends. I never associated with him much; we were acquaintances, nothing more. I engaged in petty banter with him, maybe even had a laugh with him occasionally, but I had promised myself along time ago that would never get involved with him. I refused to make others feel the way I felt all those years ago, but on the other hand I didn't think I had the guts to stand up to him.

I underestimated myself. This was where my true Gryffindor ran: fighting for others but not myself. I suppose it was the result of everything that Leah had drilled into me for all those years; that I was worthless. I didn't care about myself but when I saw these people being treated like I had been I felt like I was compelled to fight on their behalf.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I used his weakness against him.

"You're just the same as the rest of your family."

It worked. A look of horror flitted across his features and I could have sworn that a look of remorse flicked in his silver eyes when he looked into mine. He opened his mouth to say something, but I didn't linger to find out what it was.

I looked down to where Skye was lying and softly said, "Redeo." Several of her bruises healed, but she still needed to go to the hospital wing.

"Can you walk?" I asked gently.

She nodded her head. She attempted to get back up again and winced as she moved her arm. I knelt down and helped her up as carefully as I could.

Sirius had gone, and the rest of the corridor was deserted as well.

She leant on me all the way to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey took her off me, and as she did so, I heard her whisper, "Thank you."


	5. Pride and Prejudice

**Thanks again drummerxbaby. It's nice to know that someone is reading my story and liking it so far!**

**We see more of Skye in this chapter, she's going to be one of the main characters soon.**

**Please review!**

**Love, Sapphira.**

_EDIT: I didn't like the end bit of this chapter (Sirius' reaction was a bit out of character) so I've changed the last couple of paragraphs. :)_

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Skye didn't talk to me for the whole of Astronomy. I walked back with her from the hospital wing, and she sat next to me in the lesson, but not once did we exchange words. I hadn't expected any different and I was happy. Happy that I had helped her: happy that I had stood up to someone. I was convinced I had done the right thing.

Come lunchtime, and I was feeling very different. Sirius was there with James, who had heard about my 'betrayal' as he put it and was decidedly unimpressed.

"Do you not get it Rain? She's a _Slytherin_! She's not worthy of you sticking up for her!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you hear yourself?'She's not worthy…' You sound like Mulciber and Avery and that lot when they talk about us 'mudbloods'!" James always got wound up about _that _word.

"Don't call yourself that!"

"Why not? According to you, Skye's not worthy of her rights as a human being! And according to the Slytherins, I'm not worthy of being here because I'm a mudblood!"

"It's completely different and you're twisting what I'm saying."

"No I'm not! Why can't you see how _stupid _this prejudice is?"

"It's not prejudice, it's defending your friends against – "

"Oh, save it! It's prejudice and you know it is. Did you get angry when Severus called Lily a mudblood?"

"Well yes, but – "

"Why did you get angry?"

"Because he disrespected her and he called her _that_ word!" Bless him; he always got so passionate about Lily.

"Why do you hate that word, James?"

"Because it's judging people by their – "

"By their blood, exactly! And that's what Sirius did to Skye! Judged her by her house. Didn't matter if she was a nice person! So don't you dare lay into me because your bezzie mate is upset about not looking his coolest in front of Natalie Roberts!"

I gave James one last withering look, turned on my heel and left. On the whole I was rather impressed with myself. I had never been able to talk to people like that before. _Maybe you're finally starting to get a grip on yourself_, I thought to myself. Trying to hide a smile I pushed my way past the students crowding around the Great Hall for lunch. There was someone waiting for me when I made it into the entrance.

"Can I have a word?" It was Skye.

"I… yeah, okay."

She led me to an empty corridor. I was puzzled. She hadn't wanted to speak to me this morning; why start now?

"Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"You know. Stop Black before Astronomy."

"I… because…" I stuttered. What was I supposed to say? I wasn't about to tell her about Leah.

"Never mind. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

I was surprised at how perceptive she was. "I just… I just knew how you felt that's all."

She looked at me wryly. "He's done it to you to, huh? Bullying, I mean."

"No… not really. Not him anyway. I…" I decided to outline it. What did it matter anyway? "I have a half sister. She isn't too fond of me. And there were others too – she wasn't the only one."

She smiled sympathetically. "I understand. But thank you, and I mean that. I don't think Black will make your life too easy now."

"No. No, I guess he won't."

She looked at me tentatively. "I don't suppose you want to sit by me in Potions? It's just I normally sit on my own and, well, if you don't want to it's fine."

I mulled it over. Lily usually sat with Severus and Ruby could spend some 'bonding time' with Remus. So then I'd be on my own.

"Yeah, that'd be cool." I looked at my watch. It was only one, and classes didn't start till two. "D'you want to go outside for a bit? We've still got an hour before Potions."

She looked grateful and a little excited. I think she spent most of her free time working on the library – she didn't normally get a break from the sheer monotony of work and studying.

"I'd love to." She smiled at me, and I smiled back.

We walked outside, and we soon found a common interest. Skye shared my passion for Quidditch, and like me, she had never tried out for the team. She supported the Chudley Canons.

"Do you support a team?"

"No. I don't really know many. Like, I love the game, but I never go to any real matches."

"You don't know what you're missing. One of my older brothers took me to see the World Cup Final three years ago. It was amazing. It went on for 45 hours, 22 minutes. The players were amazing."

"I wish I could play Quidditch like that – I always wanted to be an international player. I don't know what else to do with my life, but I don't think I'll ever be good enough."

"You shouldn't day things like that about yourself. If you never believe in yourself, no one else will."

"Insightful," I remarked sarcastically."

"It is actu-al-ly. You're a lot more talented than you give yourself credit for. You shouldn't put yourself down all the time."

I looked at the ground. "I guess."

"Nope, you know. And anyway, the word of Skye Matthews is law."

I grinned. "Whatever you – "

"RAIN!"

I looked around sharply. Lily was bounding towards me.

"We waited for you for _half an hour_! And then Potter said you threw a strop and stormed out of the Great Hall! What is going on? And another thing, why isn't Remus here today?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. Speaking to Rube yet?"

"Rain, I'm a bad enough mood already, don't go asking me obvious questions. Come one, what you waiting for?"

I looked helplessly at Skye. "See you later?" It was a question, not a statement.

"Later," she replied and stood in the same spot, watching me get carted away by Lily.

I felt awful. I was embarrassed and guilty. I felt so rude, just leaving her like that, but what else could I do? I couldn't release myself from Lily's iron grip and I didn't want to anger her by trying.

Although we were a good ten minutes early for Potions, Lily decided to go down to the dungeons early to teach me about the 'importance of punctuality'. She had been so stressed over the last couple of days, and I didn't know why. When James had asked her out it was no longer the "Can I ignore you another time, Potter?" She completely flew off the handle at him instead, and rowing with Ruby on the first day was a record, even for her.

Sirius and James were already there, leaning against the wall and talking darkly. They looked up as we came in. Both of them ignored me and refused to look in my direction.

Lily noted it and threw me a calculating look.

"I never knew you were friends with Matthews."

"I'm not."

"Why did you stand up for her then?"

I was getting seriously frustrated. "Because that idiot there was treating her like schmuck!"

He heard me. What did I care? He couldn't do anything to me. _Except humiliate you, bully you and hate you for the rest of your life._ I ignored the annoying voice inside my head.

"Shut up Sullivan. It's getting kind of boring hearing that over and over again." I hated his arrogant attitude.

"I'm sorry, did I just call you an idiot? I take it back. Calling you an idiot is an insult to stupid people."

"At least I'm not an insult to the whole of humanity."

"Yeah, because you're not human."

And with that, I marched off, forgetting about Potions, Lily, Skye, everything.

Except that bastard: Sirius Black.


	6. Three Words

**Next part! I have edited the last bit of the previous chapter, so please go back and read that before reading this.**

**Please review!**

**Love, Sapphira.**

I stormed down the corridors, aimlessly for about half an hour. No one was about. It was so quiet; the whole castle it felt abandoned.

My angry tears soon transformed into lonely ones. I leant against the wall, my knees slowly sinking down until I was on the floor with my arms around my shins. I realised how ridiculous I must look and laughed bitterly. Shaking my head slowly, I gazed up at the ceiling. There was no night sky to comfort me with. Just the cold, grey stone watching me lifelessly.

I didn't hear the soft footsteps echoing down the corridor.

"Rain?"

I steadied my voice. "Who wants to know?" I replied miserably, too unsettled to recognise the voice or even look at the speaker.

I could feel their eyes looking down on me, burning a hole in my back. Someone pulled me up gently and wrapped their arms around me, hugging me close.

My heart stopped beating so fast. It felt so nice, just being held, just feeling the unspoken sympathy. I clung back, but the tears still fell. I buried my head further in to the soft linen shirt, letting my tears fall onto it. A familiar masculine scent warmed my shaking body – I froze. I suddenly realised who it was.

"David… I'm sorry I… I…" Sobs rose in my throat, stopping me from speaking properly.

"What are you sorry for?" He stroked my hair, smoothing my yellow curls.

I calmed myself down, trying to quit the snuffling.

"Being so – hic – stupid and making you – hic – stay here when – hic – you've got a – hic lesson."

"Rain, it's Herbology. Since when did I care about how to extract Butober pus?"

I laughed softly through the hiccups. I traced my hand over his shirt, where I had soaked it with tears. He made some funny movement, like a shiver.

"I've wet your shirt all up."

"Doesn't matter," he smiled tenderly. "So. What happened?"

I sighed. "I don't want to talk about it."

"You can't just bottle everything up, Rain."

"I'll do what I want."

"Rain…"

"No, David. Thank you for everything, but I don't want to talk about it." I began to walk away, but he caught my arm.

"You need to talk to someone."

"Stop treating me like I'm some psycho wreck. I might be pretty close, but I'm not there yet."

Frustration, concern and something else flashed in his eyes, but he let go of me.

"Okay."

"See you later."

I was confused, and still angry. But I knew where I was going to now.

* * *

The wind was cold outside. It had taken on a bitter feel, unusual for early September. The branches of the trees swayed, the leaves rose up off the ground and fell again, spiralling down in a russet vortex. The emerald grass moved rhythmically looking like waves in an ocean.

It whipped the hair out of my face, gave my cheeks a rosy glow. I held my broomstick firmly in my right hand, smiling slightly as I did so. I swung my leg over it, couched down and kicked off.

I can't describe the feeling it gave me. I felt free, like I had left a huge weight in my stomach on the ground. My genuine smile broadened, and I laughed out loud as the wind carried away my problems. It whistled down my ear, and it seemed to sing to me, and I sang back, marvelling at how pure my voice sounded this high above the ground. My soul felt cleansed: I felt alive.

What did it matter what Sirius Black thought of me? I had Lily, Ruby, David and maybe, Skye. I had other friends too; I wasn't unpopular.

I wasn't unpopular. It rang in my ears.

He was just one guy. I done the right thing, I had taken the right side: that was all that mattered. I was the better person in this.

Several hours later I touched back down. It had started to get dark. The sun had just set; the beautiful colours had almost all but disappeared.

The moon was out. It was a complete circle – a full moon. It's silvery iridescence rested on me, adding peace to my newfound freedom.

Footsteps sounded a few metres away from me. I looked around. Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts was walking towards me, the soft glow of the moon highlighting the silver in his hair.

"Hi Professor."

He smiled kindly at me. "It is a beautiful evening, isn't it Rain?"

"Yes, sir."

"Are you alone, my dear?"

"Yes sir."

He glanced at the broom in my hand. "And flying solo, I presume."

"I prefer flying alone."

"Ah. And I assume you are acquainted with the noble sport of quidditch?"

"Yes sir. It's my favourite."

"And do you play a position?"

"Seeker, like James, but I… " I stalled.

"You? Please, continue. It is some time yet before dinner, I think."

"I… I never tried out for the team."

"You think you are not good enough," he stated.

I looked up sharply, surprised. "How did you know?"

"My dear, I am unusually perceptive for an old man."

"You're not that old, sir. Are you?"

"By the standards of the universe I am not even born, but by mankind, it is a different story."

"I've always wondered how the universe was formed. Most of the time I think it must be God, but others, I'm not so sure. There seems to be too much suffering in the world for him to exist."

He smiled and nodded, and I took it as a sign to continue.

"I don't understand why some people are evil, and some people are good. I don't know if they're born that way or if they grew to be that way because of something that has happened to them. I don't get it.

Why are people like that? Why can't we all be good, and live in a heaven? And why doesn't God stop them? If he's supposed to be good, why do all these bad things happen on _his_ earth? Why does he create such evil people?"

Dumbledore sighed and closed his eyes. Seconds later he reopened them, but this time he didn't smile.

"Why indeed? It is a question that I have asked many times. But I suppose, my dear girl, that we never find the answers. Until death, which is a far greater mystery."

"I'm not scared of dying," I interjected defiantly.

The smile reappeared on his face. "And neither did I expect you to be.

You are a true Gryffindor, Rain, and whether you believe can or you can't, you can."

He smiled at me one last time, and then turned to the castle.

"And now, I think it is time for some treacle tart."

I nodded and collected my broomstick from the ground and walked in the old wizards shadow back up to the castle.

I didn't know how, but he had given me a lot to think about. However I pushed it to the back of my mind so I could think about it in bed tonight, and shoved my way through the second years crowded outside the entrance of the Great Hall. I found my way to Lily and Ruby. They were talking again (I inwardly did some serious victory moves).

"Salutations Lilia and Rubia." I said as I sat down opposite them.

"Rain! Are you okay?" Lily's concerned face looked down at my own.

"Yup." I poured a generous helping of stew onto my plate.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm _fine,_ Lily."

Someone clicked their tongue behind me. "Sure about that?"

I turned around, elbowing David softly in the, uh, sensitive region.

"Argh!" He crumpled up and plopped next me, still grimacing. "That bloody hurt, Rain!"

"Serves you right for sneaking up on me."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Whatever. Are you okay?" I looked at him. An image of me crying and him holding me flashed through my mind. I suddenly felt embarrassed. I hoped to hell I wasn't turning pink.

"Yes, mother."

He looked slightly hurt. I immediately felt awful and leaned over to give him a hug. Memories, memories. I felt my cheeks burn.

"I was only joking, Davy."

"I know." But judging from the expression on his face, I don't think he did.

We spent the rest of dinner larking around. We had a mini food fight and I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't even notice the absence of the Marauders.

Lily and Ruby went up to the common room earlier than me. I was in the middle of being targeted by a slice of trifle when they left the table, both of them shooting me significant glances. I didn't understand what they meant, so I just carried on, quite happily.

Nine o'clock came and went, and as the last students exited the Great Hall, we were shoed out of the hall by McGonagall, who informed us we were lucky not be receiving detentions.

"… imagine though! One minute he's standing there with a… "

"Breathe, David, breathe!"

We both fell apart laughing. Another shout from McGonagall was enough to get us moving.

"Common room! NOW!"

Still chuckling we walked up the staircase together before I turned right to go to the Gryffindor tower.

"Rainie, you've got cream on your cheek!"

"Does it suit me?"

"Most definitely not."

I rubbed my face. "Gone?"

"Nope. Other side."

I repeated the movement. "Now?"

"No – " I hit the spot and smudged it into my hair. "Let me do it!"

He put his hand on my cheek and wiped part of it away. "Nearly done… " He murmured, and put both his palms on my cheeks. He gazed into my eyes and drew closer, and closer, until his lips were on mine. I felt my face slack in shock. He pulled away, and let his lips hover centimetres away from mine. He searched my eyes frantically. I don't know what he saw there, but whatever it was, it made him do it again, but this time more passionately and he didn't pull back. He slid his hand back to my neck, his fingers nestling in my hair and forcing me to him. His other arm wrapped around my waist held me so I couldn't leave. And I responded. I responded to his lips, and his tongue. I moved my hands into his hair, gripping it gently, yet firmly.

I don't know how long it went on for. When he pulled away I was against the wall and he was as close to me as two people could possibly be with clothes on.

He put his lips close to my ear. "I should tell you something… hell, if you haven't worked it out by now… you must be blind."

I looked at him.

"I lo – "

"MISS O'SULLIVAN! MR CONNOR! 20 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! NOW BED! BOTH OF YOU!"

David hesitated. "Three words, Rain. See if you can guess."

And then he left me alone, shivering at the top of the stairs.


	7. A Gryffindor Trend

**drummerxbaby: Thanks for your reviews! I hate Sirius at the moment too, I'm on Rain's side.**

**Earenya: Thank you! I agree - Sirius _does _have a despicable character right now, he's horrible! And about Rain's belief in God - I did think about it before putting it in, but in the end I decided that because she has had a tough childhood, she would have turned to someone during it. Thanks for your answer though, I might put it in at some stage :)**

**This beginning of this chapter is a bit on the boring side, but I wanted to establish Rain's + Ruby's character a bit aaand the flash-forward isn't important at the moment, it's just there to show you what will come later on. Please review!**

**Love, Sapphira **

**Okay. Rant over, on with the story...**

* * *

Lily was brushing her hair when I got back. She looked up as I entered the room. She smirked.

"Ruby! Rain's back!"

There was a loud clattering on the other side of the bathroom door before it opened, revealing a very rosy-cheeked Ruby. She had her elephant jammies on and big Cheshire cat grin.

"So… how did it go?"

"Huh?"

"David! You two were flirting like hell when we left!"

I turned the brightest crimson. Ever.

"I… I don't know what you're talking about."

"Get real, Rainster. It's so _obvious _he fancies the old granny pants off you."

Still blushing furiously, I said, "Number one, you know absolutely bloody nothing about who David wants for a snog-buddy, and number two, I _do not _wear old granny pants."

"Nice argument, but the fact that your face resembles a tomato right now kinda ruins it. Oh, and I'll be quite happy to tell him tomorrow that you've started referring to yourself as his 'snog-buddy'."

Lily burst out laughing, and two seconds later, Ruby joined in.

I was halfway between using _Levicorpus _on them and running away in embarrassment.

"Shut up!" I hissed.

They both looked around at me, still amused. I took a deep breath.

"Okay, I'll tell you what happened, if you _promise _not to tell anyone or talk about it, laugh about it, write about it, do anything about it, in front of David."

"Deal!"

"Deal!"

"Okay… I… we… in the…"

"Get on with it Rain."

I swallowed. "We got sent out of the Great Hall by McGonagall."

"For the food fight?" Lily asked.

"Yeah, and it was nine, so most people had finished. So we went up the stairs and then he… he…" I stalled. I couldn't go on any further.

"He what?"

"He… he kissed me."

Lily smirked. Then she turned to Ruby, who was grinning delightedly. "And how was it?"

"What?"

"The kiss, you muppet!"

"It was…" A blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks. "I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"Well I'm sorry for not being quite as upfront as you on the matter, Ruby, but – "

"Did he ask you out?"

"What! No!"

Ruby exchanged surprised looks with Lily. "He will. Did he say anything?"

"I… yes, but I don't know what he meant."

"You're hopeless. Bloody hopeless. What did he say then, Miss I-have-no-experience-of-snogging-which-I-do-really-because-I-had-the-nerve-to-snog-Remus-Lupin-in-third-year-and-my-bestfriend-will-be-insanely-jealous-until –"

"Rube, shut up. What _did_ he say?"

"Something about 3 – " And it suddenly dawned on me.

"_**I should tell you something… hell, if you haven't worked it out by now… you must be blind."**_

"_**I lo – "**_

"_**Three words, Rain. See if you can guess."**_

My eyes widened in shock. David, _my David,_ couldn't seriously love me! Me, Rain O'Sullivan. It was insane. Not just insane, completely and utterly ludicrous. But there it was, the truth, staring up at me.

Or was I just being arrogant? Maybe he hadn't meant to say that. Maybe he was having a laugh. What if I was overreacting? After all, no one loved me. Or ever would love me. Leah told me that. And yet, doubt lingered at the back of my mind. The feel of his lips on mine, the look in eyes; it had seemed so genuine. It almost convinced me he was for real.

David had always been honest. He would say what he felt; he was never one to sit on the fence. I think it was his honesty that drew me to him. That, and his beautiful brown eyes.

"Rain? Rain!"

I snapped out of my daydream. "Huh?"

"What did he say?"

"I think… I'll tell you tomorrow."

"Why can't you tell us now?"

"Because I don't know if he meant what he said," I said, turning away.

"Did he tell you he fancied you?"

"I… "

"'Cos if he did, then it's like, the most obvious thing in the world, Rainster."

"What?"

Lily cut in. "He's liked you for _years_, literally. Have you not noticed all the times he stares at you Rain? How he always wants to be your partner in everything?"

"We're friends…"

"Friends don't go around kissing each other."

"We're still friends."

"What the hell Rain!" Ruby exclaimed. "Whenever you talk to him he – "

I had had enough.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Rain!"

"No. I don't want to know if he likes me or not. I don't want anything to do with him _in that way_. End of."

I saw them exchange glances, this knowing expression on both of their faces. And suddenly without proper reason, I felt really annoyed.

"I don't! And don't sit there looking like you know better than me, because you don't."

I grabbed my jammies and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Sighing, I climbed into the shower and the hot water splashed onto my skin.

* * *

I spent the rest of evening (and most of the night) tossing and turning in bed. Lily and Ruby had taken offence at my exit into the bathroom and had left the dormitories. I felt guilty, but at the same time, justified. After all, my life wasn't just an issue of Witch Weekly. I am perfectly entitled to keep a few secrets of my own.

This point settled, I punched the pillow into shape. My thoughts turned to David and myself. Did I like him? I had focused so much on whether he had been for real, that I hadn't thought about how I felt. He was quite good-looking; he had a beautiful smile, and he could make me laugh. I replayed the kiss in my head, and I got this weird tingling sensation in my stomach. Was it embarrassment? Was it nervousness? Or was it something else? I pondered this for a while, and eventually decided that I'd have to work it out tomorrow.

I turned over again. How would David act tomorrow? Would he shun me, or pretend that nothing happened?

I knew which one I was going to choose. Shunning him would draw attention to the fact that something had happened – not something I wanted the whole of Hogwarts gossiping about. Not that anyone cared about my sad life, but even so, most girls like spreading rumours. I didn't want everyone to think I was pregnant.

I turned over once more, and as the moon was unveiled from the clouds, I fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

Nobody was talking to me the next day. James was still pissed off with me about Skye, and Lily and Ruby weren't talking to me either. I wasn't bothered about James – he'd had moods with me before, and besides, I wasn't very close to him anyway.

But Lily and Ruby hurt me. I knew I shouldn't have stormed out the way I did, but on the other hand, they should have the respect not to force me into anything.

So I ate breakfast alone. Ruby refused to meet my eye, and Lily kept shooting me daggers from across the table. Blinking back tears, I decided to leave. I had Astrology again, first lesson. I met Remus on the way there.

"Hey Rain," he smiled.

I smiled back, albeit bitterly. "You're not carrying on the Gryffindor trend of ignoring me?"

"Why… oh. You know what Sirius and James are like. They'll be talking to you soon."

I smiled again, properly this time. "It's not just them… but thanks Remus."

He looked at me. "You're welcome," he said simply.

We were only doing theory work in the lesson (which was why it was in the morning, not the evening).

I was sitting on a table with Remus, Skye and a Hufflepuff, Collie Anderson. We had to analyse the juxtaposition of Mars and Charon.

...

Halfway through the lesson everything went black. The classroom disappeared. It all faded into darkness.

_The street's empty. Why is no one here? I walk forward. I've seen this place before. This is where Mum grew up. _

_And then I realise. The buildings are destroyed – something's happened. I look down an alley. Draw back in disgust and sadness. Dead bodies piled high. _

_It's morning; the crimson sun has barely risen but still, a scarlet light is hovering in the sky. It's horrible: the whole scene is horrific._

_A cry sounds through the deathly silence. I rush towards it, hoping to see some life. It's a baby, cradled in its mother's arms. The mother. She's just a girl, and she looks strangely familiar. Her dark blue eyes glisten with tears, and her breathing is laboured. _

_There's another girl beside her, holding her hand, tears dripping down her own face. She has the same dark blue eyes, but a couple of years younger than the mother. _

_The mother murmurs something to the girl beside her. She plants a kiss on the baby's forehead, holding the child close to her. Then she gives the baby to the other, younger girl. The girl accepts the baby, but all the while she shakes her head, begging._

_The mother whispers again, but this time a slight breeze carries the words to me._

"_She's beautiful, like you. She has our eyes."_

_The girl looks up at her, still shaking her head._

"_Take care of her for me."_

_The mother glances at the sky. "A scarlet sun. Too much blood has been spilled this night."_

_She looks back at the girl and her newborn child and whispers:_

"_I'm sorry."_

_A final tear trickled down her pale cheek, a last gentle breath is exhaled, and a closing beat of the heart ends all her pain._

_She is dead._

_The girl sobs violently, holding the young mother's body to her chest. Seconds pass. Then minutes. _

_And then she lies the body down carefully, looking up to the sky as she murmurs a prayer. She gathers the baby up, in silence and leaves the place, her ashen face covered with dirt, blood and tears._


	8. A Hospital Wing Evening

**Earenya: Thank you for your review! Lol, I don't think you're crazy! I'd be pretty hypocritical if I did :D . I don't think you'll like this chapter much though, there ain't much David/Rain (but there will be later, so don't worry).**

**water-and-flame: Thank you! I'm glad you like my story, Rain and my other OCs! I wasn't sure at first whether anyone would warm to her, because she's so strange and complex. **

**I know there isn't any Sirius/Rain (I'm gonna call it Siriain, lol) BUT I swear there will be soon, but not in the next chapter :P . And although this might seem that this is the end of the road for David and Rain, it's not - David's thing for Rain isn't just a silly schoolboy crush. AND so, David will play a very big part in everything to come.**

**You're not going to find out much more about the flashforward thingy after this chapter until it really starts to get going. However, if you're loooking at a career with the secret service, you'll probably guess something else about it.**

**Hope you enjoy this! And please, please review - it makes me feel so happy and warm inside!**

* * *

The sun had already set when I woke up. The moon was out, its silver glow shimmering through the hospital wing window. Several shadows blocked the cool glimmer from resting on my bed.

I tried to open my eyes. I couldn't. My eyelids were too heavy and they didn't even flicker. I could hear distant voices but I was too groggy to understand what they were saying. I was aware of a warm hand holding mine. A few minutes later, as I began to gain complete consciousness, my brain started to process the words and make proper sense of them.

"… woken up yet?"

The grip on my hand became tighter. "Does it look like it?"

"Alright! It's not my fault David, don't snap at me!"

"I know… I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

Silence.

"David, have you been down to dinner?"

"No. Not yet."

"You should go now then, it'll be finishing soon."

"I'm not leaving her."

"Go, I'll stay."

"I want to be here when she wakes up."

"But – "

"I'm not going, Ruby, end of."

A sigh. "Fine."

Another voice sounded. Skye's. "I thought Lily Evans would be here."

Lily wasn't here? I felt slightly betrayed. Surely she would have come to see if I was okay?

"She… uh, had a bit of a row with Rain yesterday. We both did."

"And that stopped her from coming to see if her best friend was still alive?"

"Well Rain wasn't exactly dying…"

"She didn't know that."

"Everyone would know if she had died and – "

"That's not the point, though is it? Her best friend's ill and she doesn't bother to see if she's alright."

"You don't know Lily. She's stubborn and quite… protective over her friends."

"All the more reason for her to be here now."

"Look, Lily and Rain have been best friends since first year. Everyone's entitled to have a disagreement every now and then, so stop trying to make Lily seem like the bad person in this – "

"Well she is the bad person, isn't she? I don't think any argument would stop _me _from visiting _my_ best friend if she collapsed."

"Well obviously not, because you don't have any friends."

Another silence. More icy this time.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"No, you shouldn't.

"It's just, Lily's so – "

"Forget it. It doesn't matter."

"I… why are you here?"

"I don't know. Probably because I don't have anything else to do, because I have no friends."

"I didn't mean that!"

"Didn't you? You seemed pretty sure a few seconds ago."

"I was angry, I didn't mean it."

"More truth is spoken in anger than in sobriety."

"Now you're trying twist – "

"I don't get why you're getting so worked up about it. It's true enough. I don't have any real friends."

I could sense how awkward Ruby felt. Fortunately for her she was saved by the noise of footsteps.

"Hey. How is she?" That was Collie Anderson's voice. Why was she here?

The warm hand still held mine. "No better."

"I brought you all some food from dinner in case you missed it."

The smell of chocolate and warm food floated towards me, normally so enticing. But now, it made me want throw up. I could almost feel my face turn green. I started to cough, clutching David's hand in mine. I heard his panicked cry:

"Ruby, get Madam Pomfrey!"

I rolled over with my hand over my mouth as I felt an onslaught of nausea wash over me. I felt Madam Pomfrey's arm on my back and she adjusted my position while I coughed and wretched simultaneously.

"Get that food out of here!" Shaking her head, I heard her mutter, "Stupid girl."

After a few minutes the sickness ceased and I could sit up properly. Madam Pomfrey gave me a strengthening potion that tasted of cauliflower mixed with carrots – _not _nice. She also gave me strict orders that I was not to get up until the morning.

"You might feel better now you've thrown up the entire contents of your stomach, but that potion will not take full effect for a few hours yet. I do not want you getting out of this bed until I have given you permission. I will speak to your head of house to let her know you will not be attending lessons tomorrow.

And you lot," she said, turning to David & co. "Are to leave at nine on the dot, understand?"

And with that, she bustled into her office, closing the door behind her.

"Bloody hell, she's so stressy," grumbled Ruby.

I moved my head over to grin at her, and grimaced at the pain. Staring up at the ceiling I said, "Why does my head hurt?"

"You collapsed in Astronomy and your head hit the floor."

"Oh." And then I remembered.

The vision. I tried to recall the two girls. Nothing. My mind drew a blank. Just two faceless people.

But then I saw the eyes. Both girls had had identical eyes. Deep, dark cobalt eyes. I gasped.

"Rain? Are you okay?"

"Do you want me to get Madam Pomfrey?"

Swallowing hard, I managed to shake my head. "Just… tired."

David looked a bit disappointed. "You only just woke up…"

Ruby glanced at the clock. "It's half eight, I guess. Sure you're okay?"

"Right as rain," I joked feebly.

Ruby shook her head at me. "That is shameful, Rain O'Sullivan."

I grinned. She bent down to give me a quick hug and then left. Collie did the same.

Skye stood at the end of the bed. "I suppose I should go too."

"Thanks. For coming I mean. It was more than Lily could do." I smiled bitterly, feeling an acute sense of injustice.

"It's okay. Hope you're better soon."

I smiled, murmuring a quiet "thank you" and watched as she left. When she was out of sight, my gaze fell to the window, and the night sky beyond it.

"Rain."

David's soft voice drew my attention to him. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and his chocolate brown eyes were gentle and determined.

"I need to talk to you."

I instantly felt apprehensive but I still managed a weak smile. "About what?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

His countenance changed slightly. "You know what."

"I… "

"We kissed."

"I know."

He inhaled heavily. "And… did… did it… mean anything to you?"

I wanted to say yes. I really did. The hopeful look in his eye was enough to melt anyone, even the most hardhearted of people. But my instant defence mechanism (or was it my heart?) kicked in.

"No," I answered softly. So softly that at first I wondered if he had heard.

He had heard. His face fell, the look of hope gone. Gone in one second. It shocked and horrified me concurrently. I couldn't understand how _I_ was able to create such a change in him. How I could almost control him – it was beyond me. I couldn't comprehend why he would let me do this to him. Why did he care? Why did he love me?

I reached out to his arm, but he stood up avoiding my touch. He looked at me, his eyes full of injury and hurt, slightly watery.

"David… "

"I can't. I… I'll see you around."

He turned and walked towards the door.

"David!"

His pace quickened and he broke into a jog.

"David!"

He disappeared around the corner. Tears of frustration pricked my eyes. In anger, I threw the vase next to my bed hard against the wall. It shattered.

Now completely exhausted, I leant back against the bed, the tears flowing unhindered.

There was a mirror on the table next to my bed. I glanced into it, searching my own eyes. My deep, dark cobalt eyes. The eyes of the girls in my vision.

So which was I? The young mother, or the other girl?

* * *


	9. Amortentia

**drummerxbaby: Thanks! I'm a bit of a David/Rain fan too - I would deffo think about it if you're interested. :)**

**Earenya: We have some David angst in this chappie, so I think you might _like _it a little more than the previous chapter (hopefully). And I think I know what you mean by predictable. I don't really want to give to much away, but I'll be putting a few twist and turns to avoid that. Thank you!**

**loony contortion woot: Here you go!**

**loosh4ev: Thank you! Poor David, bless him. Things aren't going too well for himm at the moment. I'll put the chaser thing in now - I just always assumed he was a seeker because of Harry.**

**Sorry for the long wait! I written and rewritten this chapter four times in the last two weeks. This is the first Siriain stuff - it's quite romancey this chapter. I'm going to try and develop Skye's character more in the coming chapters - she'll be a very big character in the story to come. Hope you like it!  
****  
Please review!**

**Love, Sapphira.**

Weeks passed. Before I knew it, Halloween had been and gone and November had come.

Lily still hadn't spoken to me, four weeks on. I was so hurt that I didn't even make an effort to speak to her. She had always been a jealous kind of person anyway, so I suspected my newfound alliance in Skye had prolonged her anger. I had also drifted away from Ruby. Lily stuck to her pretty much 24/7, and as I was not permitted to be in Lily's presence without being shot daggers, I kept away from her as well.

David hadn't spoken to me since that night. He wouldn't meet my eye in lessons, and hurried out of the Great Hall at mealtimes before I got a chance to come over to the Ravenclaw table. I was upset and frustrated but I wasn't prepared to let it all go.

After a few initial awkward moments, I became very close friends with Skye. It was the unheard of: a Gryffindor and Slytherin being best friends. Everything I did, I did with Skye. She became the older sister I wished Leah had been.

Skye was the oldest of three boys and two girls. She was a September baby – ten months older than me. She was a pure blood and I assumed that this was part of the reason why Sirius had been bullying her. The Matthews's were family friends of the Blacks and I figured he didn't like her because she reminded him of his family.

I've always been easily governed by other people, and Skye was no exception. It began with my appearance. I started straightening my hair (Skye had taught me this weird kind of drying charm), wearing eyeliner (Skye said it enhanced my prettiest feature) and using a magic concealer (Skye said muggle ones were rubbish). It didn't get me into Lily's league, but it made me smile when I looked into the mirror; it gave me more confidence about myself.

There was something about Skye that made you feel _free._ You could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge you for it. Back in fourth year I went out with Piers Price (Hufflepuff) and when I told Lily, she just looked at me and said, "You muppet."

I also felt much more at ease with boys now. I'd never found it particularly difficult to talk to boys, but I was usually seen as a friend, rather than anything else. It always surprised me that the guys never seemed to like Lily in that way (except James) even though she was so pretty. Then I realised they were all scared of her.

But then, halfway through the term, something else happened that I was not happy about, at first anyway. We were put into pairs to work with in Potions for the rest of the year.

"Mr Connor with Miss Matthews, please." I let out my held breath, relieved. I'd had visions of having to work with David in a frosty silence for the rest of the year. I shared a glance with Skye. She shrugged.

"Could be worse I suppose."

"And Miss O'Sullivan with Mr Black," Slughorn boomed.

My eyes widened. _"Of every single bloody person on this class it had to be him," _I muttered under my breath.

Skye smiled sympathetically. "Unlucky. We'll work in front of you if you want, at least then you've got someone to talk to."

"Thanks," I replied, grimly. I groaned as I saw David moving towards us.

"If he's bugging you so much, sort it out."

"No! It's his fault!" I objected, a little too loudly.

"When will you learn to keep your big gob shut?"

"When you stop acting like my mother/ psychologist."

"What's a sikolio – "

David cut her off. "Guess I'm with you Matthews."

She nodded. "Rain, we'll work on this table." She gestured to the table she was standing by.

"Fine," I said moodily.

"Look, he'll be okay with you, it's me he doesn't like."

"Alright Sully?" Sirius Black walked over to me.

"Alright," I said, wondering why he was being so friendly with me.

"I've decided to forgive you," he stated sombrely, but his eyes were sparkling with mirth.

I raised my eyebrows playfully. "I didn't need forgiving, pal."

"I heard you're going out with my brother." What the hell was he talking about?

A loud clang sounded behind us. David knelt down to pick it up, swearing as he did so.

"Well I'm not, so there."

"I've got one word of advice for you."

I raised my eyebrows over the cauldron. "Yeah?"

"Don't."

"And why ever not Mr Black?"

"If I wasn't getting annoyed, I'd tell you that it's really sexy when you call me Mr Black, but as I am, I'm not going to."

"You just did, _Mr Black_," I smiled cheekily.

"Are you ticklish, _Mrs Black?_"

I moved round to the other side of the cauldron so he couldn't reach me. "Don't even go there. Now be a good boy and go get us the ingredients."

"Whatever you say, _Mrs Black._" He winked at me and walked off to the cupboard.

I watched him go. I still felt resentful towards the way he had treated Skye and, to a lesser extent, myself. But I could help but feel intrigued by him. There were so many different sides to him, so many layers. And was he flirting with me?

He came back with the ingredients and laid them down on the table.

"Tada!"

"Okay. What page is it?"

"Three hundred and sixty-four." He sat down.

"Right." I flicked through the textbook. "Amortentia?"

"I fancied something different," He grinned, looking up at me.

I snapped the textbook shut. "Tough." I looked around at what Skye and David were doing.

"What page is it?"

"Page fifty-seven, like it says on the board. David, you're supposed to stir it counter clockwise!"

"Sorry, sorry," He murmured, blushing.

I glanced at him for a moment, and I think he felt my gaze on him; he looked up. I turned away quickly, back to Sirius.

"It's page fifty-seven, you numpty." I whacked him over the head with the book.

"Ow!"

"Miss O'Sullivan, if I see you misuse that book again, I will take ten points from Gryffindor." Damn. Slughorn.

"Yes sir, sorry sir," I replied hurriedly.

Sirius smirked smugly. "That's what you get for maltreating me."

"Shut your mouth, before I remove your private bits."

"I'll take your advice. I value my bits quite highly."

"Sirius Black!" I warned, holding the book up again.

He grinned.

And we sat through the rest of the lesson in a compatible silence.

* * *

I leant against wall, waiting for Skye. Then someone grabbed my arm and pulled me into a deserted corridor. I whipped around to see David's angry face looking at me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I scoffed. "I could ask you the same question!"

"You were flirting with Sirius Black!"

"No I wasn't!"

"Do you think I'm stupid? How was all that stuff about Mrs Black _not_ flirting?"

"Oh, I love how you don't have anything better to do in Potions than listen to my conversations!"

"It was hard to miss!"

"I don't know who you think you are! You don't speak a damn to me for weeks on end, and then you think you have the right to start telling me what I can and can't do!"

"I'm only looking out for you! Black is with a different girl each week! I don't want you to get hurt!"

My mind leapt to a sudden understanding. "No. It's got nothing to do with that. You're jealous, aren't you? That's why you're so wound up about the whole – "

A flicker of panic passed across his face. "I… I don't… You think I'm still on that?"

"Well you obviously are, because if you weren't you'd back off!"

"Fine! Fine I will!" He started to walk away.

"Don't you dare walk away from me!"

He looked back at me, his face visibly upset.

"I can't do anything right with you can I? I can't talk to you and I can't walk away!"

I gazed at him, hurt. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" He asked, disconcerted.

"Ruining our friendship."

"I… I'm not trying to… I just… "

Skye's voice called. _"Rain!"_

I glanced at him one last time, and this time I could see regret in every lineament of his face.

* * *


	10. Overreaction

**Earenya: Thank you again! I'm trying to show the diversity (isn't that such a nice word) of Sirius' character, hope it's working! *gulps nervously* I thought Lily would be a bit pigheaded like that, even though it was something ridiculously stupid that she's a annoyed about. **

**drummerxbaby: I'm glad you liked the Siriain - I was a bit nervous at writing that. And no, Skye isn't too happy... Hehe. Thanks for you review!**

**clearly-obsessed: Thank you!**

**Next chappy! This is really just laying the foundations for stuff but I hope you all like it anyway. Please review!**

**Love, Sapphira.**

**_EDIT: I've changed a bit of this to make it slightly more realistic - not too much - I just fiddled around with some the dialogue in the first bit. - Thanks Earenya! :)_**

* * *

"You looked like you were having fun."

"Skye, will you just leave it? I'm more likely to become Minister Of Magic than I am to go out with Sirius Black," I said complacently.

"Don't be so stupid," she snapped back. "All the Gryffindor girls want to go out with him."

"Well I don't, okay?"

"Why were you flirting with him then?"

"I wasn't!"

"Black treats girls like crap. I just don't want you to fall into the ever growing category of Sirius Black's exes."

"That's great, but I'm not going to go out with him."

"And what about David?"

I froze. "What about him?"

"How do you think he felt? He didn't speak to me at all for the whole of that lesson – he spent all his time watching you. He was shaking, Rain!"

"It's not my fault! He overreacted. You both did!" I argued. I shifted slightly.

"See, this is what I don't get about you. You're so nice to everybody but when it comes to boys, you're a complete bitch!"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Well it didn't seem that way to me."

I shook my head. "You're turning into Lily."

"What?" She demanded sharply.

"You are! You're so 'you did this, you did that, you can't do this, you can't do that'! I had enough of that with Lily! David does it too! Why does everyone think they can just tell me what to do?"

A pause. Then she looked down, almost ashamedly. She sighed. "I'm not Lily. If he was any other guy… but he's not. He's Sirius _Black_ – and that name is trouble. Forget the whole bullying thing;

All I'm saying is: if you ever got close, you'd be no different to all the other girls he's gone out with - you'll be the one that comes off worst. Like the rest of them."

I stared at her. "Thanks for your advice," I said coolly, finally.

"Rain…" She spoke my name guiltily.

"There is nothing, nothing going on between me and Sirius," I interrupted. "Not now, not ever. End of."

"Yeah… but – "

"I don't want to discuss it anymore."

I got up to leave. Skye's arm stopped me.

"Wait a second," she said, clinging to the sleeve of my robes. "Rain, you know I didn't mean anything about the blood thing? It's just; I know how these families work. They don't make exceptions for anyone, no matter what."

"How many fucking times! Sirius and me, it's just… no. It doesn't work. He's Mr Popular, and me; I'm the opposite."

"I swear you have self esteem problems. Fair enough you're not as loud or outspoken as Black, but most people really like you. Just because Lily Evans isn't speaking to you right now doesn't mean that everyone hates you."

"Huh?" The irritation I had been feeling suddenly whooshed out of me.

"I know you look up to Lily as some kind of god, but she's not. Yeah, she's pretty, and smart but _so are you_. And a lot of people don't even like Lily. It's only you who thinks she's a national icon."

"I don't think she's a national – "

"Yes, you _do_. And you're nuts because you're desperate to be like her. You're constantly comparing yourself to her."

"I do not," I snorted.

She raised her eyebrows at me. "Whatever, but we both know it's true."

I smiled disbelievingly, but I let it go. I was useless at arguing.

"You gonna go to dinner?" I asked, changing the subject entirely.

She shook her head. "Can't be bothered."

"Lazy, lazy, lazy!" I sang.

"Like you're any better!" She replied indignantly.

I smiled widely. "See you later, then."

"See you."

I decided to go to dinner on my own. Skye was never bothered about meals – she could go for a day without eating if she wanted. I couldn't. I love my food. Mealtimes were really awkward for me at first. I couldn't sit with Lily because we weren't talking and I couldn't sit with Skye (Gryffindors couldn't sit on the Slytherin table and vice versa). Usually I just sat with the rest of the Gryffindor girls and chatted to them. Although I was readily 'accepted', to begin with, I found it tricky to keep thinking of things to say; hanging out with giggly, gossiping girls wasn't natural to me.

It didn't really bother me now. All I had to do was act interested in whatever crap they were coming up with. Seriously boring, but a hell of a lot better than being labelled a 'loner'.

"Rain! Rain, come over here, you'll _never _guess what!"

Lucy McFadden. I faked an eager expression. "What?"

"Lupin asked Ruby out!"

I didn't need to fake it anymore. "Really? What happened?"

She beckoned me closer. "Outside the greenhouse 3, after Herbology he asked if he could have a word with her. And asked her out! How cute is that! But," She added, "Don't talk to Maria about it. She's all moody about it, the selfish bitch."

"Why, did she like him?"

"Bloody hell, Rain, how far behind are you!" She laughed coldly. "Maria's liked him for _ages_, like weeks."

Yep, these were the kind of people I talked to. Maria was Lucy's supposed best friend, and there she was, bitching to me (someone she wasn't even close to) about her.

"Really?"

Lucy nodded feverishly. "She thought he was gonna ask her to Hogsmeade next week." She looked around quickly and lowered her voice. "I don't know why. She's not even that pretty."

"She's not that bad," I said gently.

"Bless you Rain, you're always so nice. But she's not really, is she? If you're honest."

I smiled and let her continue. I had got over Lucy's nastily in week one – I didn't like her, but it was just something you dealt with.

By the time dinner was over I had had enough, so I made my excuses and left. David _happened _to be walking out at the same time as me.

"Rain!"

"What do you want now," I spat harshly.

I flinched at my nasty tone. "Just to talk."

"I don't have anything to say."

"Just… just listen to me."

"Fine," I replied, sighing.

"Before… I was overreacting," he said quickly, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"Anything else?" I asked blankly, trying to harden my heart against him. I could feel myself forgiving him on the spot. It's always been my problem: I forgive and forget too easily.

"Rain, please." His tone was utterly beseeching.

"No."

"I only did it because…"

"What?" I shot.

He looked at me, confused. "I… I like… _Skye_."

I felt my draw drop. Skye? I thought… I thought he liked me? Had I been wrong all this time?

"What?" I said shakily.

"I like… Skye."

I was dazed. "I… never knew."

"Well I never told you, did I?" He smiled shiftily.

"No… no you didn't."

There was a glint in his eyes. "I was thinking of asking her to Hogsmeade next weekend. What do you think?"

"I… yeah… yeah, that's great. You should go for it."

"You reckon?"

I nodded. My mouth was dry.

"And us? We're okay?"

"Yeah. It… it was just a misunderstanding. That's all." I forced a smile.

"Good. See you tomorrow then," he said happily.

"Bye."

I waited for him to go and then wandered up the stairs to the common room.

How had I got it so wrong? Hadn't it been obvious he liked Skye? I thought back to the kiss, cringing as I did so. He hadn't even known Skye then. Maybe he had like me and it was just a silly teenage crush. Maybe he never liked me in that way to begin with. That must have been why he hadn't spoken to Skye; he was nervous, and he was angry with me for talking to Sirius because he had bullied Skye. It was so obvious now. Had I really been that pigheaded to believe he liked me?

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice the staircase moving. Then I realised I was near transfiguration. Swearing angrily, I backtracked, taking another passage.

The common room was almost full and the Marauders were (uncharacteristically) talking in the corner. I headed towards the dormitories, nearly falling over a first year on the way.

I climbed up the staircase to the dormitory and opened the door. It was empty and cold.

* * *


	11. Lessons Learnt

**Earenya: I think your theories are pretty good because... I don't think he likes Skye either! I hope she's not too perfect in this chapter either - please tell me if Rain starts to become a Mary-Sue (I hope she won't, but it's one of my pet hates). And I'll try and fix the Skye thing - I think I'll look over it tomorrow and see if I can fiddle some things around. Thank you!**

**HPLUVR71495: T'is a Siriain thang, but David will be around quite a bit ;) And yeah, David is not over Rain. I think he's playing a few games with her tbh. Thanks for your review Nikky!**

**drummerxbaby: David can be so fickle :D Thank you for your review!**

**K, lots of Sirius and Rain in this chappie, in fact, most of it is. And no one's forgotten about Lily have they? **

**Hope you enjoy it! And pleeeaassse review!**

**Love, Sapphira.**

* * *

The early morning was hazy and dull, and the icy sharpness of the air supplemented the monotony of the grey clouds. An autumnal tone had set firmly into the Hogwarts' grounds and the crimson leaves were a vibrant contrast to the bleakness of the day.

The once smouldering fire had burned down to a small scarlet-orange glow and the edge of the hearth was blanketed with ash. Sheets of parchment lay on the mahogany tables, discarded by weary students too tired to finish their homework at the dead of night. A notice had been nailed to the common room board, giving the details of the Hogsmeade trip the following weekend.

I traced the ink of the poster with my fingers, sighing as I did so. The trip was the following weekend – the first of November. I bit my lip and chewed it gently, thinking. David would probably be asking Skye out today. I'd spent half the night mulling the whole thing over and, well, it just didn't feel _right_. Who goes around kissing one girl one minute, and then asking out her best friend the next?

_David Sodding Connor – that's who._

I guess that's what people mean when they say, "They're so cute together!" Some people work together; others don't. Skye and David most definitely didn't. It was just _weird_ – and I know it sounds horrible, but it's what I was thinking.

Footsteps pattered gently down the stairs. I saw a flash of red hair through my field vision – Lily.

"How come you're already dressed?" She asked impassively.

I stared at her in shock for a moment before answering, "Couldn't sleep. You?"

"Prefect duties – checking Potter and Black haven't decided to re-enact last night's lunacies."

"Oh." I couldn't think of anything to say. I mean, Lily hadn't spoken to me in weeks, and suddenly she was talking to me like I was just a normal _acquaintance_.

She nodded at the notice. "Going with anyone?"

"Probably not," I replied, shaking my head.

"Why not? You're quite popular now, aren't you?" Her voice was bitter for the first time. "What about David, has he not asked you?"

"He has… other plans."

"Ah. And Lucy McFadden? Has she not set you up with anyone yet?"

"I don't want to be 'set up' with anyone, so no, she hasn't," I replied, a little more aggressively.

She nodded approvingly. "I'd steer clear of her if I was you."

"Lily… I'm not a first year, so just…"

"Stop treating you like one?"

I just looked at her. "What?"

She sighed. "I know I've been a bit… well a bit of a cow really. And… I'm sorry," she spoke quickly, and looked down at her feet when she'd finished.

I was stunned beyond belief. Lily Evans apologising to me?

"It's okay," I said, only just managing to piece the sentence together.

She looked up and breathed out slowly. "Thank you."

I smiled. She smiled back.

There was a loud thud. James Potter and his entourage of Marauders were here. "EVANS! OI EVANS!"

"What?" she snarled back at him.

"Fancy Hogsmeade?"

"With you? I'd rather stick pins in my eyes."

"Come on Evans, you know you like me…"

* * *

Two hours later and I was in a Potions class next to Sirius Black. Did I mention getting very annoyed?

Poke.

"What?"

Poke poke.

"_What?_" I hissed.

"How can you listen to this? It's almost as bad as History of Magic used to be."

"It's called 'showing an interest'."

"Pfft. You're not showing an interest. You're ignoring me, my boredom, and my need for constant attention."

"Do you want to have children?"

"Some day, I believe I would…"

"Because I will remove that ability if you don't shut your mouth."

"Well I can't talk through my nose can I?"

Slughorn's voice boomed over Sirius'. "So. Instructions are on the board. You got an hour and a half – let's get brewing! Oh Lily, Severus, if I could just have a word about the interschool Potions challenge…"

I turned to Sirius. "Right. You can get the stuff since you decided to talk through his whole explanation."

"Sounded more like a monologue to bore Sirius Black shitless," he grumbled getting up.

I set up the cauldron, lit the fire in preparation and squinted at the board. It was quite a difficult potion to make – very fiddly, with a set number of stirs in different directions.

Sirius wandered over a minute later, his arms laden with roots and hellebore.

"Here you are, my Lady," he said playfully.

"Thanks." I flicked to page sixty-seven and moved my finger under the instructions, muttering under my breath.

"Going to Hogsmeade with anyone?" He asked casually.

"No." I shook my head. "Not yet," I added, my mouth automatically forming the words – for some insane reason I wanted to look cool in front of him.

"You've not been snapped up _yet_, then."

"I'm not some kind of book in a shop," I retorted.

"Nah. You're more interesting than a book." He winked.

A weird sensation filled my stomach. _What the hell is wrong with me today? _I ignored it and rolled my eyes. "Go away. You do my head in."

"I'm glad I have such a healthy effect in your sanity."

"You feed my _insanity, _pal – get it right."

He laughed. The weird sensation returned. "Everyone says you're the nice, shy one. These people need to get their head out their arses."

"Well, people who don't know me _do _think I'm shy. When they get to know me, they'll probably wish I was."

"Nope, nope, and nope again. Shyness is boring."

"No it isn't. If someone's shy, then you don't know the person underneath. And only knowing the surface of something but not the whole thing is more interesting than something that's obvious."

He twisted his face in thought. "No – if someone is shy, then you'll never get to know the person. Then they become the person who never says anything."

"That's only because no one ever bothers to talk to the person anyway."

"No, it's because the person never bothers to talk to anyone else." He reasoned, shaking his head.

"Not fair. It's not easy to talk to a bunch of people you don't know. That's the whole point of being shy – you find it harder to do that."

"So? Some people aren't good at Charms, but they still try."

"It's not the same thing."

"Isn't it?"

"No," I stated simply, cutting up the roots.

"It's no different."

"Yes it is. Being shy is a hundred times worse than being crap at Charms."

"How?"

"Because if you're shy then you can't… whatever. Pass me the hellebore."

He reached over for it absentmindedly. "Go on."

"What was saying?"

"About if you're shy then you can't…"

"Oh yeah. Well, if you're shy you can't stick up for yourself. A lot of the time, if you can't stick up for yourself, you get bullied. And I honestly think that bullying is one of the most horrific experiences you can ever go through."

"Really?" He said sceptically.

"Yeah. And don't say 'Really' in that way. You have no idea what it's like."

"I don't?" He looked slightly taken aback.

"No, you don't. Otherwise you would be so sceptical about it."

"What _is_ it like?"

"Usually, it starts with something small. Something that anyone else would just say, 'So what?', but it hurts – it gives you an insecurity. And that starts you off. If it carries on, and people pick on you and don't give you a break then it gets worse and worse. Eventually, you start to believe what they tell you. A sense of deep personal insignificance controls you, and you obsess over it. You're not good enough for anything or anyone. You become guarded. You're detached from the real world. Sometimes it gets so far that there's no way back. Just a big black tunnel. There's no end, no light. And that's when people commit suicide – they can't see an opening, and everything just seems so pointless. And these people, they're just too tired to keep going. So they give up."

"Just over one small thing?"

"Yeah. Well that's not really bullying. But it can start you off."

"I never realised," he said doubtfully.

"Not many people do," I replied coolly. "Food for thought, eh?" I added, more lightly this time.

He nodded, in a kind of dazed way.

We worked together in silence for the rest of the lesson. I was complacent, and Sirius was deep in thought, the furrowed brows giving his handsome face a more spiritual beauty.

"Have you ever done it?" He asked abruptly.

"Done what?"

"Bullied someone."

"No."

"Have I?"

I sighed. "Some people would say you do it every day of your life."

His forehead creased. "I just… I never knew."


	12. Freaky Green Emotions

**HPLUVR71495: Dum dum durr! Hope you're liking so far, and thanks for your review! :)**

**drummerxbaby: :D Hehe - a new career path open to me! Aww, thank you!**

**Totally CRAZY: Thanks for both your reviews! And yeah, it is something for him to chew on... though I don't think it'll last long *looks at Sirius in shame***

**Earenya: Hey! Yeah, I thought I needed to show a few different sides to Sirius, so he's not a complete bullying maniac. Seriously glad Rain isn't coming across Mary-Sueish *breathes a sigh of relief* Thank you! And I'm glad you liked it :)**

**Okay, a bit of a weird chapter for Rain - a serious mood swing. I'm not completely happy with it, but still, I hope you like it! And if you do, please review!**

**Love, Sapphira**

* * *

"Aaannd… Time's up! Stop brewing – I'm coming round to see how you've all got on."

I gave our potion on last stir and grinned happily. The smooth liquid was the exact shade of grass green described by the textbook. I sat down on the stool next to Sirius and waited for Slughorn to get to our table. A nasty smell wafted towards me and I scrunched my face up in disgust. Turning around, I saw Skye red-faced, whisking her potion furiously while David gazed in the other direction, looking serenely unperturbed. He was a wearing the same thoughtful look that Sirius was, except was Sirius' was infinitely graver than his was. He chewed his lip pensively, and I realised with a jolt that that was exactly what I did when I was thinking. He closed his eyes suddenly and sighed. Five seconds later and he opened them and seemed to return to the present. He inhaled deeply and winced just as I had done – I guessed the smell had hit him.

"What's wrong with that?" He asked, nodding towards the potion.

Skye looked ready to cry. "I forgot to add the lace wings!" She responded frenziedly, still stirring frantically.

I glanced towards Slughorn. He was on the other side of the room, praising Lily and Severus' with all the ardour of a new father. I slid off my stool and stepped towards their table, grimacing, as I got closer.

"What did you do?" I enquired calmly.

"The lacewings, Rain! I forgot to add the lacewings!" whispered Skye, hysterically.

I chewed on my tongue, thinking what to do. "Okay… have you added them now?"

"No," She shook her head. "No; I thought it would be too late."

"That's good. What was last thing you did?"

"Stirred it," she answered.

"Which way?"

"Clockwise. Six times."

"Six times clockwise… make that counter clockwise to reverse," I muttered to myself. "Then the powdered rabbit foot… how do I reverse that? Hellebore… three drops…" I added the extra hellebore to the potions, trying to remember the instructions on the textbook. "Is Slughorn coming yet?"

"No, he's still with Lily Evans and Snape," She said, a little more calmly.

"Right… now the lacewings…" I picked the lacewings up and plopped them into the cauldron. The potion hissed, and turned orange. "Then… stir six times clockwise… and… what do I do now?" I murmured, feeling David's eyes burning into my neck. "Oh yeah… powder… okay. It's blue! Why's it still blue?"

"Rain, he's moving! Hurry up!"

I felt panicky. "Argh… What do I do? What… Yes!" I exclaimed, struck by a stroke of inspiration. "Stir counter clockwise once… add another drop of hellebore and clockwise again…" I watched as the potion turned from blue to turquoise, and from turquoise to emerald green. "Get in!"

Skye rushed over to look. "Thank you, Rain! Thank you so much!"

"'Welcome," I grinned and turned back to my potion. It was a slightly more precise shade of green than Skye's, but apart form that, I felt elated.

I listened to Slughorn's comments over the soft buzz of conversation, punctuated by exclaims of alarm like Skye's.

"Average… Mr Tinkler, and no better than that! You're both lucky to pass; I do think I'm being rather generous. So… an A for Mr Tinkler and Miss Dobbs. I hope you've all remembered this is graded work! And Mr Watton and Miss Walsh. What have you prepared for me today? Good… not brilliant. Looks like you've added too much hellebore. Three drops, it says, Mr Watton, not a whole bottle. Hmm… bordering on an Exceeded Expectations… but not quite there… an A again I think, you can't get away with mistakes like that at NEWT.

Mr Connor and Miss Matthews! Have you fallen into the same trap? Let's see…" I held my breath while he inspected Skye's potion. "Good… very good in fact. You seem to have an awful lot of the potion: perhaps you increased the amounts? Not _quite_ the precise shade of green stated in the book – the draft has a very distinct grass green colour, one of the main characteristics, as it produces no steam or smoke, but other than that, it looks pretty good! You've scraped past the E mark, which is good – take care to make the correct quantities next time, that's always important. But apart from that – well done!"

I had to stop myself from smiling.

"And onto Mr Black and Miss O'Sullivan. Oh, this _does _look good!" He gave our potion an elaborate sniff. "Excellent! No steam, perfect colour – I can't find a fault! So that's an O for you both!"

I watched him waddle off to the next cauldron, and twisted round to Sirius.

"Nice work, partner!"

He grinned back, but the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. I took his uneasy expression as an invitation to leave and began putting my stuff into my bag; his eyes followed my hands absentmindedly.

"You must really hate me," he remarked eventually.

I stopped and looked at him. "Why?"

"To give me such a big guilt trip," he responded.

"I gave you a guilt trip?"

"You know full fucking well you did."

"Maybe you needed it," I said boldly.

"I… you have, haven't you?

He gave me searching look, then inclined his head slightly and left the dungeon.

I shook my head and smiled vaguely, perplexed. "Weird."

"What is?" came Skye's voice from behind me.

"Just… like… how little it takes… and not even being angry… to change something. You know what I mean?"

"Rain… what the hell are you talking about?"

"The whole… never mind. What do we have now?" I asked.

"Break. Then Astronomy," Skye answered.

I stretched out both my arms above my head. "I love Thursday mornings."

"Yeah, yeah. Get your stuff – David's waiting for us outside."

"What?" My jaw dropped in surprise and dread. "Are you kidding?"

"Nope," she confirmed, shaking her head.

"Why?"

"Well you've made up now haven't you? You always used to hang out before, why's it different now?" Her tone was ordinary but her blue eyes were shrewd.

"Nothing. Just wasn't expecting it. That's all."

"Oh," she said simply.

I bent to pick up my bag, frowning to myself. What was she getting at? Did she think there was something going on between us? _She'll be getting a rude awakening if she does. Maybe that's why he's here – to ask her out._

"Coming?"

I nodded and followed her out of the door. Like Skye said, David was waiting on the other side.

"Jeez, you people take ages!"

"I don't even know why you bothered waiting. We've got Astronomy; you've got Herbology," I said irritably.

He looked visibly offended. "Sorry… I can go if you want?"

"Well there's no point now you're here is there?" I said, feeling nettled and inexplicably annoyed.

"I… "

"Whatever," I shrugged crossly. "I'm going to the common room."

"But break's nearly over!" exclaimed Skye. "You can't go now."

I swung round to her; she looked surprised and confused. "It's not – I've got five minutes yet."

"Oh okay. I'll see you in Astronomy then."

"Fine. I'll go on my own."

"Rain, what is wrong with you? You were fine before."

"_Nothing._"

* * *

"David… can I have a word?"

He was standing in the courtyard with a group of his Ravenclaw mates. I raised my eyes as they wolf whistled as me and ignored it.

"Sure."

We moved away from everyone else to a corner where we couldn't be heard.

"Look, about Skye…" I began uncertainly.

"What about her?"

"You can't ask her to Hogsmeade."

"And why not?" He asked defiantly, folding his arms.

"Because… just because."

"Because?"

"Yeah. Because."

"Look, I've had enough of this. Either tell me why I can't do this or shut up and let me go."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm holding here against your own free will, am I?" I said nastily.

"Well yeah, as a matter of fact…"

"Actually you know what? I don't care. Go and ask her and make yourself look like an idiot. It's not my problem."

"What do you mean, make myself look like an idiot?"

"Nothing."

"I don't understand you. At all."

"Yeah well… maybe if you did we wouldn't be having this conversation now," I spat back.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You've behaved like a right little bitch all day – that's you, Rain. What's making you act like this?" Within a second his face was transfigured from angry to caring and concern. And it made me want to cry.

"I just…" A tear fought against my self-control. My self-control won and my emotions left my body and watched overhead. "I'm just tired – I haven't had a lot of sleep lately. Sorry."

He hesitated for a minute. "Okay… "

"I'd better go now – I'll see you tomorrow," I watched myself say.

"I… yeah. Bye." I heard him call after me.

What was wrong with me? I wasn't – couldn't be – jealous. I knew that much didn't I? He was just my _friend: _it didn't matter who he went out with. On the contrary, I should be happy for him, not behave like a envious cow. And this was _Skye_ I was dissuading him from going out with, my best friend. And maybe she liked him? What was I doing? I was confused. So confused. I mean, let's go back to the start. This guy I've been friends with for years kisses me and almost tells me he loves me _(or so I thought)_. Said guy then stays with me in hospital and doesn't speak to me for weeks after I tell him the kiss doesn't mean anything to him. We make up, and then he goes and tells me he likes my best friend. Did he really like me?

_Why would he like you? _A voice asks me. _You're worthless, you're nothing – it would have been better if you'd never been born. _No. Mum loved me. And Lily and Ruby, Skye, even the Marauders liked me.

_Don't be stupid. They're not real friends. No one wants to be __**your **__friend. David would never choose you over Skye. She's so much prettier than you, smarter… _

But I fixed her potion… _So? How pathetic do you sound? Get over yourself, you sad, sad person. No one will ever want you. Hear that? __**No one.**_

* * *

"What's up with you? You've got a face like an upside down fried egg."

"Thanks for that assessment, Sirius." I looked up wearily.

The common room was fairly crowded. Students were cluttered in corners; some just chatting; others working. The fire was blazing happily – flames of scarlet, orange and yellow lit up the hearth, with an odd indigo streak as a new piece of wood was devoured.

"No, seriously though, what's up?"

"Nothing," I said for the third time that day.

"You know, nothing is more annoying than something who says 'nothing' when there is _obviously _something wrong."

"Is there something wrong with me," I said miserably, turning to look at him.

"Hang on, let me inspect you, just to check you're not some kind of mutant…" He paused for effect. "Nope – you're good."

I sighed. "I'm so fed up."

"Of what?"

"Everything. Me. Everything about me. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of this stupid little voice inside me that tells me I'm useless – I'm just…" I stopped. I realised who I was talking to. "I'm going to bed."

"Hang on a second. You know that bullying thing you were talking about before?"

"Yeah."

"Have you… you know, ever been bullied?"

"I… I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Oh," he said, looking slightly disappointed. "I guess… I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Yeah. Whatever."

* * *


	13. Your J's and S's

**Kanika Meskhenet: Aww thank you! I'm so happy you're liking it :)**

**Earenya: Glad you're still liking it! She kind of has another moodswing in this chappy (jeez, she's so hard to keep up with). She's working on the confidence thing, but it does pop up in this one. I honestly do REALLY appreciate your reviews and advice - I fixed the Skye thing you said in Ch.10 (I think it was 10). So thank you!! **

**SnowStorm752: Thank you! :D **

**Totally CRAZY: Thanks! I'd be confused too. She's just a bit erratic really - she can't help it. **

**drummerxbaby: Hey! Yeah, the whole chapter was really just to show Rain's character a bit more; that she does have a bit of a temper and she's not just a wet lemon all the time. Just a bit of 'padding' as my RS teacher would say :D. You are right though – it was a bit rushed. I'll shut up now. Thank you!**

**'Kay I'm REALLY sorry for acting so dead, ie. not updating in like, forever (revision, exams, MORE revision, etc.) I'm trying to get back into the Harry Potterness of everything now, so I'm sorry is this doesn't flow very well. And hopefully I'll update before Christmas to give y'all a pressie for reading this (which will be the Hogsmeade trip). Aren't I generous? And this is extra long. So, read, hope you enjoy, and please review! 'cause that'll make my Christmas :) Merry Christmas!!**

**Love, Sapphira.**

* * *

"David asked me out. Why? I thought he liked you?"

"Skye, dearest, that was months ago," I replied, successfully keeping the moodiness out of my voice.

"Oh. Okay."

"What did you say then? I'm on tenterhooks here."

"Oh, you _are _funny," She rolled her eyes at me. "I said I'd think about it."

"That answer has cliché stamped all over it," I remarked, half jokily, half grumpily.

"Well I didn't know, did I?" She huffed.

"Know what?"

Skye looked slightly uncomfortable. "If you…"

"Oh spare me, please. David and me – no way." That was true. It wasn't going to happen. I didn't _want _it to happen. Honest?

"I… okay. Well, I suppose I might as well say yes. I don't think anyone else is gonna ask me this late on."

I folded my arms. "They might do."

"Yeah, some stupid, pockmarked Slytherin up to his eyes in the Dark Arts," She laughed.

"Noting wrong with that!" I said, faking indignation. "So… do you like him?" I don't why I even cared. I didn't like David that way. _Yeah, you keep telling yourself that,_ _Rain. _

"You're not very subtle are you?"

"Nah."

"Anyway, answering your question – no, not really. I mean; he's okay. He's fairly good-looking and he's not irritating, but I'm not going to be doing a Lucy over the date."

"Cool. I wish I was going with someone. I'm gonna be seriously bored on my own," I replied, kicking a stone in front of me with my shoe.

"Why don't you ask someone?" she asked, surprised.

I rolled my eyes sarcastically, not looking at her. "Who'd want to go with me?" I felt embarrassed saying it out loud – and it came out much more self-pitying than I had intended.

She put her hands on her hops and looked at me. "Shut up, alright? Loads of guys want to go with you – you just don't notice. Actually, I think you just blank out all the positive stuff and focus on the negative stuff. And it's really annoying. Can't just think good things about yourself for once?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. I felt really uncomfortable. I hated it when Skye gave me the positive thinking pep talk.

"Why don't you go with the Marauders?" pronounced Skye abruptly.

"What?"

"The Marauders. They like you, right?"

"Are you kidding? Sirius will have asked the hottest girl in the school already. Remus is going with Ruby, James… James will want to go with Lily and Peter is… Peter. They don't like me that much anyway." I exclaimed, outraged.

"How do you know?"

"I just do, okay? I thought you didn't like me with Marauders," I said slowly, suspiciously.

"Well it was Sirius really. But even he'd be better than being on your own. You act like a hermit."

"Do not."

Skye sighed. "Fine you win. Although maybe – "

"I'm not going at all," I stated before she could say anything else. She was really starting to get on my nerves.

"What?"

"I'm not going," I shrugged. "I'll catch up on some homework in the library or something."

She looked defeated. "Alright. But you could at least go with Lily or someone. It'll be horrible on your own while everyone else is enjoying themselves."

"I don't mind. I need to start doing the calendar for Astronomy anyway."

"You know you don't need to start that yet," she said wryly.

"Look, I honestly don't care. I'll just stay here."

"Fine," she sighed. "I'm going back to the common room. See you later."

"Bye."

I dropped the blasé façade as soon as she was out of sight. Following my usual routine, I went back up to the common room.

Lily was sitting in the armchair by the fire and Ruby was curled up on the hearth doing her homework, swearing angrily; gaining disapproving glares from Lily. I blocked the David situation out of my head and swallowed my irritation. _I don't care. I don't care. _I walked over and smiled tentatively.

"Alright?"

Ruby grinned at me. "Raaaiiinnn?"

"Ruuubbbyyy?" I whined back.

"Can I copy your Potions homework?"

"Um… we had Potions homework?" I asked, faking innocence.

"Now _that _is the kind of attitude I like to see!" A smooth voice sounded behind us.

Two boys (young men would be more accurate) were standing behind us. One had jovial hazel eyes; the other had large silver eyes. Both were glinting with vivacity and verve. My eyes lingered slightly on the grey ones.

"True Marauder spirit," James agreed.

"A girl who knows her J's and S's instead of P's and Q's," Sirius continued approvingly.

"A work of art in the making."

"That was lame, Jambo-boy," rejoined Sirius distastefully.

"I do my best." James shrugged cheerfully. "So, who's going home for Crimbo and who's staying? I hope _you're _staying, Evans," he grinned sleazily at Lily. "A Hogwarts Christmas wouldn't be complete without your beautiful face."

"Potter, shut it before I rip off your oversized head – "

"And shove up it up your fat hairy arse," I added.

Lily glared at me reproachfully. "There was no need to be so… crude, but yes, that was the general idea."

"Leave the girl alone, Lils" Ruby said, rolling her eyes. "'Least she know how to have a bit of fun. _Some _of us would quite willingly go out with Jamesy here."

"Indeed," I appended dramatically, opening my eyes wide like the freak of our old Divination teacher. "The contours of his face are ex-quisite."

Ruby giggled. "And his eyes are like pools of pure gold."

"Cliché!" I moaned, for the second time that day.

"Shut up!" She elbowed me. "He looked impressed a second ago – don't ruin it for me!"

I stuck my tongue out, beginning to enjoy myself. _Beats hanging out with Skavid. _Skavid was my name for David and Skye's _thing. _Sad, I know.

"He so was not," I gasped, like Lucy did. "He likes me – see he's even laughing at me." I loved joking around. It made me feel a little more confident. And James was laughing at me; so was Sirius – and that made me feel _happy_.

"That's not a good thing – oh my god, I think I just smudged my mascara, now he's gonna think I'm a _total _idiot. Rain, what do I do?"

"Oh sod off, I need to redo my gloss. Where's my eyeliner? Sirius, does James like blue or black?" I tugged on his jumper, my hand tingling slightly.

He looked confused. "Uhh… blue?"

"Bless him," Ruby giggled. "He doesn't even know what eyeliner is!"

"Yes I do!" He struggled to regain his composure. I guess he didn't like being embarrassed.

She folded her arms. "What is it then?"

"You outline your eyes with it to make them look bigger and more dramatic," James answered for him, looking important and checking Lily was watching.

"Oh my gosh!" Ruby returned to our joke. "He even knows about make-up!"

"Such a cute quality in a guy!" I gushed, leaving Sirius and moving towards James and sitting by his feet.

"I think everyone's realised that James is highly desirable," interrupted Sirius sourly.

"_Okay, _Mr Grumpy," Ruby said, rolling her eyes. "We were only kidding."

Sirius glared back. My stomach lurched.

"Okay… subject change, anyone? Before Sirius wets himself…" I trailed off. Lily was smiling slightly. James and Ruby were both holding back laughter and I stared triumphantly back at Sirius, strangely unafraid.

Ruby took the hint first with her usual swiftness. "James was asking who was staying for Christmas. Who's going?"

"Me, probs," I replied lightly.

"You said you'd stay this year, last year!"

"Mum wants me home," I said, shrugging.

It wasn't exactly a lie. I went home for Christmas every year to be with Mum. Not because I particularly wanted to – I didn't – but because she hated Christmas and was always upset in the festive season; even though she put on a good show for me.

"But you said you'd stay with me! Aaron's gonna be home this year, and Dad says he doesn't want me anywhere near him so I've got to stay," and Lily's going home as well, so if you don't stay then I'll be on my own – " And she was off into one of her rants. I stopped listening.

Ruby's family were as complicated as plate tectonics, but basically, Aaron was Ruby's oldest brother who had fallen out with her Dad when he left home. Ruby her fourth sister, and this year, her younger brother, always stayed at Hogwarts when he came. Why he always decided to go home for Christmas and why he was allowed, I don't know – it was something to with Ruby's mum, but I didn't know anymore. It's way too complicated.

"Remus will be here," James offered helpfully.

She brightened a little. "I hadn't thought of that." I looked at James gratefully; Ruby spotted it and frowned. "I'm still going to bully you into it, Rain."

"Okay," I said complacently, looking out of the window.

"What about everyone else?"

"We're staying," answered James and Sirius together.

"Cool," She smiled, then scowled. "I'll still be the only _girl,_ Rain."

_Maybe you can… it'll be so much fun. _I shook my head at myself. It wouldn't be fair on mum. Although staying away from Leah was _so _tempting.

"I'll think about it," was my conservative answer.

"Yay!" Ruby punched the air. "It's gonna be so much fun! We can have a pyjama party and do our presents! Oh my god, I CAN NOT WAIT!"

I grinned. Mum couldn't do anything that bad, and anyway, Leah would be there with her new boyfriend. She'd be okay.

"Chill out, Ruby!" James moaned as one of her flailing arms hit him on the nose.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm just so excited!"

"I can see," Sirius grumbled, though he was smiling.

Ruby's excitement started to rub off on me and I started laughing. Really hard. I was just so happy. I was set for the best Christmas I'd ever had.

Dawn of the next day displayed a layer of snow blanketing the castle and its grounds. The sun was obscured by a thick camouflage of snow, but the day was alive with the light that glinted from the snow.

I had never liked snow until I arrived at Hogwarts. It was always sludgy and grey in Reading, and even when we lived in Ireland when I was little, it never sparkled like it did here.

"Rain, stop staring out the window. You've got a manic grin on your face, and it's freaking me out." I love Lily. Her bluntness is so refreshing.

"Soooooorrreeeee," I sang. "So here it is, Merry Christmas! Everybody's having fun! So dum dum dum duh dum… it's only just beguuuh uh un! I don't even know that words, but hey!"

"Ugh! Shut up – I hate that song!"

"Liven up Lils, it's Christmas!"

"Whatever."

"Pass us them apples, Lilster, I'm starving," I gestured towards the bowl of crimson fruit.

She gave me them grudgingly, lifting her face out of her Potions homework to reprimand, "It's those apples, not _them _apples, Rain."

"Yeah, yeah," I rolled my eyes, watching her check through her neat writing. "Shouldn't you have done that last night?" I chided mockingly.

"Oh go away. You haven't done it at all, so I don't know what you're talking about."

"Lily hasn't done her homework! Lily hasn't done her homework!" I chanted.

"Shut UP, Rain!"

"Dear dear, what has she done now?" Sirius' voice came from my other side.

"She's annoying me. Take her away."

"No! I'm hungry!"

She growled angrily and stood up. "Fine! I'll go!"

Sirius watched her stalk out of the hall contemptuously. "I dunno what James sees in her," he muttered darkly.

I looked up at him defensively. "She's great, Sirius. She just gets a bit wound up sometimes."

"She hurts him more than you know. He acts like it doesn't bother him, like he likes the challenge, but it hurts him. All the time she's there having a go at him. It's pathetic."

"Maybe he should try being a bit more sincere," I retorted crossly. "Maybe she doesn't want to get hurt either."

"Who said he wasn't sincere?"

"Oh, come off it! He yells out in front of everyone else, 'Oi, Evans, go to Hogsmeade with me' and that's sincere?"

He narrowed his eyes "You're biased."

"So are you."

We glared at each other for a second, then grinned, a second, then looked away.

Sirius cleared his throat. "He was thinking of asking her to Hogsmeade. I'm guessing she'll say no?"

"Good guess, Sherlock."

"And you? Who're you going with?" He didn't look so cheerful as usual, which was weird. His face was more serious and he looked quite grave.

I rolled my eyes. "Not you as well."

"Why? What'd I do?" But he was smiling now.

"All Skye did yesterday was lecture me on how I should be going to Hogsmeade."

"You're not going?" He looked stunned.

"Nope."

"Wait," He said with mild suspicion. "Not going or not got anyone to go with."

"Both," I answered honestly. I immediately felt myself going red.

"Ditto."

I jerked my head up to glance at his face. _What the hell?_ Sirius Black not going with anyone to Hogsmeade. "Are you kidding?"

He looked offended. "I don't go with _anyone,_ Rain. I mean, Lucy McFadden is pretty, but would I date her?"

"Probably."

"That's sick. She has the intellect of a flubberworm."

"Does it actually matter to you?" I asked disbelievingly.

"Uh, yeah!"

"Right, so that's why you're not going to Hogsmeade with anyone, 'cause no girls meet up to your standards? You are one meticulous guy, Sirius Black. Some girls are _dying _to go with you," I said scathingly.

He grimaced at my tone. "No… there's loads of girls in the school that meet up to my _standards._ Just my reputation kind of stands in the way of having a decent girlfriend."

"Right I don't get this at all. You made the reputation that you were Hogwarts' Hottie McFitty because you have some obsession with sex, and now you're complaining because you don't want that?"

"Actually, I don't have an obsession with sex. That was last year. And anyway, contrary to common belief, I am a virgin."

I snorted. "Yeah – and I'm a hippogriff."

"Honestly."

"Scout's honour?" I said sceptically.

"What the hell is 'scout's honour'?"

"Muggle thing."

"Oh." His face was baffled. "Scout's honour then."

I smiled. I don't know why, but it made me feel happy. For some reason I was _glad_. I tried to find something to say, anxious not to let him see I was bothered.

"I'm Hottie McFitty, am I?" he sounded happy; his voice was lighter that it had been before.

"Well to most girls in the school, I guess."

"All the girls?"

"Well not Lily. And not the Slytherins."

"What about you? You're a girl," he asked offhandedly.

I felt awkward. "Thanks for noticing," I said icily, avoiding the question.

"You didn't answer the question. Am I your Hottie McFitty?" he pressed.

"Stop saying that word. Two words. Whatever. I mean, I know I said it first, but I only say it 'cause Ruby says it."

"You're doing it again," he said, smilingly. "Answer the bloody question!"

My heart started racing. "You're alright," I hedged.

"Alright?"

"Well… yeah." _This is the most uncomfortable situation I have ever been in. _"You have very beautiful eyes." I gulped. What the hell had I just said?

But he smiled and moved closer. "Thanks. And so do you. " Talk about charm.

"Bless you."

He smiled slightly. He was so close. Way too close. Our bodies were touching, his face centimetres away from mine…

"RAIN?"

I pulled away automatically. I was slightly dazed. Where was I? I turned towards the voice.

"Huh?"

"Astronomy is _this_ way." Skye came into view. "And I hope you've done your homework, because you so not copying off – " She stopped abruptly when she realised who I was with. "S-sorry," she murmured. She was evidently still terrified of Sirius. "I'll see you in Astronomy, Rain."

I would have stopped her, but I was still too stunned. What had just happened? Sirius spoke to me before I could work it out.

"You know what?" he said slowly, lowly.

I looked up at him, unable to speak.

"I've had an idea. We should go to Hogsmeade together. What do you think?"

"You reckon?" I breathed.

"Yeah. It'd be… interesting."

I nodded once, with a small, almost flirtatious smile. He raised his hand and traced my cheek with his hand, almost, but not quite touching my skin. He bent low and whispered softly in my ear.

"I'll be waiting for you in Potions."

And then he left. Cold suddenly engulfed me.

* * *


	14. To Be Remembered

**Earenya: Yay, I'm glad you liked it - and Rain! Thank you! **

**drummerxbaby: Aww, thank you!**

**So much for updating before Christmas but hey, I'm updating now. _And _it's looonnnngg. Please read and review! Love, Sapphira.**

* * *

There is something very endearing about being the centre of attention. Everyone whispering, looks of awe, and hints of envy in faces – it feels amazing. Eyes following you everywhere, assessing everything you do, and comparing it to what they do – like you're better than them; that you're something they want to aspire to. It was out of this world.

I'd never felt that before. I lived in a cloud, a thick fog, blinded by my own ugly self-image. I was too obsessed with developing this hatred I had of myself that had been instilled in me from an early age. And no one else saw what I saw: the real me. To them, I was the girl that everyone had started noticing, because she was with Sirius Black. She was the one he'd chosen, and she was the one in the limelight. A girl with big azure eyes, a sea of yellow curls: a nice girl, confident and happy.

I wasn't sure if I liked the attention; I wasn't sure if I wanted it, but somehow, it didn't matter. As long as they didn't see the real me, I _was _happy.

It did pile on the pressure, though. I have always been self-conscious, if that's what you want to call it –I took the word to extremes. Knowing that people would be watching, analysing me, made everything a thousand times more stressful. Number one on the list of the 100 Things To Get Right When On A Date With Sirius Black? _Clothes – _i.e_._:

"I. Don't. Know. What. To. Wear!"

Ruby looked at me sympathetically; Lily rolled her eyes. "I told you to do this last night," was her opinion.

"Helpful, Lils," Ruby snapped.

Lily sighed, her injured expression giving her the air of a martyr. "Okay, fine! Let's do basics," she governed. "Smock dress or jeans?"

"Ummm… I dunno. D'you think it's too cold for a dress? Or I could wear one over something – that'd be cute. What do you think?" I pulled clothes out of my trunk frantically, searching for something suitable. A large mound of crumpled clothes had formed on my bed. I groaned slightly. Why did I have to have such a ridiculous inability to dress myself? It didn't really matter, did it? Who cares what people think? _You do. And hello? This is Sirius Black we're talking about here… _

Ruby's forehead creased, thinking hard. "Hmm. I think you need – "

"Blue," Lily interrupted. "Sirius likes you in blue."

"How the hell do you know?" I demanded, turning hastily to stare at her.

She looked slightly uncomfortable – until she lowered her eyes and saw a white cami wrapped around my foot. Her mouth twitched. "I listen."

"You… you… what?" I gawked at her limply.

"I listen."

I put my hands on my hips. "Listen to what? You can't listen if you've got nothing to listen to," I countered impertinently.

"Rain, shut up and calm down. Lily says he likes you in blue. What do you have that's blue?"

I gulped. "Socks?"

"I don't think she meant James' Christmas present, Rainster."

"Okay, okay. Sorry," I said, running my agitated fingers through my hair.

Lily sighed. "Relax, Rain. This isn't a big deal."

"Lily, this Sirius we're talking about, of course it's a big deal!"

"Jeez, anyone would think you worshipped the guy," said Ruby frankly, trying on a pair of my flats.

"I don't, I just want to look okay."

"Rain, you always look better than okay."

"Yeah right," I muttered, looking at the ground. "How long have we got, Lils?"

"Half an hour."

Ruby's eyes bulged dangerously. "Half an hour? HALF AN HOUR! I need to make myself look pretty for Remus! HELP ME!"

Lily frowned. "Right. I've had enough of the pair of you. Ruby, decide what your wearing. If you can't even do that, I will. Rain, you're coming with me," She instructed snappily. Ruby opened her mouth to protest. Lily held up her hand. "Zip it."

She dragged me up of the floor and hurled me into the bathroom, and flicked her wand. A stool appeared. "Sit," she ordered, "And don't move." She turned back to the dormitory and rummaged around in her draws.

I sighed. The whole thing was such a nightmare. Why had I agreed to it? I would have been so much happier not going at all. I was nervous; I was almost shaking. What if it all went wrong? What if he stood me up? What if he was joking? I mean, this was Sirius Black, right? Sirius Black didn't date girls like me; it just didn't happen. _But it has happened. He asked you – he wanted to go with you… _But what if he didn't? What if the whole thing was just massive prank? _No. He wouldn't… he's not like that. _

An image of potatoes crawling up my arm at the beginning of the year flashed into my head. I cringed, remembering how furious Sirius had been. How humiliated I had been. Who was I kidding? Sirius _was _like that. I could see his arrogant face, laughing with everyone else, laughing at the joke, laughing at _me._ A surge of hatred surged through me, making me seethe mentally. It distorted his beautiful face, twisting into a Halloween mask. How dare he do that to me? I would _never _be made to feel like that again. Ever.

I was about to rise and call the whole thing off. I tensed my muscles, ready to stand up. But then I remembered the look he had worn when he asked me. That hadn't been mocking; it shone with honesty, and… _desire?_ Anger left me – a yearning to see him, hear his voice, his laugh replaced it. I took a deep breath. _It'll be okay._

"Rain, you're done."

"What?" I stuttered, trying to shake myself into the real world.

"I've done your hair and your make up. You just need get dressed."

It registered after a few seconds. Man, I was slow today. "You've done my make up?" I glanced in the mirror. My hair was in waves, and my skin looked flawless. It was a completely natural look, apart from the glittery liquid eyeliner she had used (Lily and I were still big fans of a few muggle products). I looked… well, I didn't feel quite so nervous anymore.

"Lily I love you! Thank you so much!" I hugged her tightly, grinning happily.

She smiled back. "I figured Sirius would be sick of the fake girls he went out with, so I went natural. You look gorgeous, Rain."

I tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace, so I looked away.

"Can you get Ruby in here, please? And tell her if she's not dressed I'll stuff her for Christmas dinner."

"Yes, sir," I saluted her, and stumbled into the dorm. "Ruby? Lily says you need go in the bathroom and if you're not dressed… damn, I forgot what she said. Something about getting stuffed anyway. So yeah." I looked down at the bed, trying to forge my outfit together mentally. By the time I lifted my eyes again Ruby had gone.

Fifteen minutes later, I hadn't changed. I had tried one thing on after the other, and as soon as I thought, 'Yeah, this is okay,' the outfit seemed to make me look fat or broad shouldered or whatever. Something bad.

I could hear Lily's constant, disapproving remarks to Ruby from the bathroom. It would have been quite funny if I wasn't so stressed. " – can't believe neither of you aren't even dressed! So unorganised. I wouldn't be seen dead acting the way you two do. And Rain you'd better be dressed by the time I've finished with Ruby!"

"Okay, okay," I answered hurriedly, cutting her off. I walked back over to the bed, which was still covered with the entire contents of my trunk. I stared at the disarrayed mess of material in despair. "Tell him I'm sick," I called finally.

I could almost feel her narrowing her eyes in the bathroom mirror. "Stop being so ridiculous. And I'm not telling him anything; either get ready or go tell him yourself. You need to get over this phobia of dates you have."

I sighed, and I spotted my old blue The Who hoodie lying in a heap on the floor. _That_ was blue and fairly new. "Can't I just go in a hoodie? I mean, if he never speaks to me again because of it, then he's not worth it, right?"

"Rain, are you crazy? Sirius is not going to run away from you because you're wearing a hoodie to – "

"Stop moving your mouth, Ruby!" I heard Lily's annoyed hiss.

"Sorry."

I bit my lip. "Shall I wear it then? Or d'you think it's a bit – "

"It's fine, Rain," Lily assured me shortly. "Very unslutty."

I looked down at the hoodie. Would it be good enough for him? "Are you sure that he won't – "

"Wear the goddamn hoodie, Rain!"

"Ruby, _shut up! _You've made me smudge your mascara!"

"Sorry! Again."

"Right, I'm passing this through the House. I am wearing this hoodie to a date with Sirius Black. Yeah?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF – "

"_Ruby!" _

"Okay! If you tell Rain to stop being such a pisshead about a bloody hoodie, I will proceed to close my mouth."

"Fine. I'll wear it. Not like you care anyway," I muttered under my breath, pulling on a pair of loose fitting, dark jeans, checking the fit in front of the mirror. They were slightly baggier on me than they supposed to be – but not stupidly so. At least they hid my legs, which were hideous – stocky and heavily built. Most other parts of my body were normal, although I did have pockets of fat here and there. Like my stomach; it wasn't like Lily's – which was beautiful and flat – mine had bulges here and there, and they needed to be gotten rid of.

Luckily though, the clothes I had chosen didn't show these areas of imperfection, and after a pirouette before the mirror and a calming, albeit shaky breath, I was ready.

"Thank the heavens! Rain O'Sullivan and Ruby Summers are officially dressed!"

"No need to be so sarcastic," grumbled Ruby grouchily.

"You can shut your mouth or I'll never help you again," Lily warned.

"Okay. Mouth shutting in ten… nine… eight… seven… Shit, it's five past ten!"

My stomach flipped over uncomfortably. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Me too," wailed Ruby, turning towards the bathroom.

Lily rolled her eyes for forty-second time that morning. "You're both going to be fine. Honestly."

"Still feel sick," I murmured.

"Rain, just relax. Sirius really likes you."

A pink bubble bounced about inside my stomach. It popped when I remembered why I was so nervous, making me feel slightly giddy. I breathed slowly, trying to relax, like Lily had told me. "Okay," I whispered. "Let's go."

Ruby bit her lip and hugged Lily and me tightly. "I want you both to know that, if I die during this, I love you. Not in _that _way," she added in response to Lily's raised eyebrows. "And I'm sorry Lily, for all those times when I shouted at you. I was just going through a midlife crisis. Still am. And Rain, you'll always be my little twin."

"Ruby, you not going to _die,_" asserted Lily. "Though I would be touched – if I wasn't completely freaked out."

"I don't want you to be touched, I want you to realise how serious this is!"

"Right. Okay. I get it. Now let's _go_."She pushed us towards the door, muttering under breath, but I could tell she was having hard time not smiling.

"I'm going to throw up on my shoes," I moaned as we left the dormitory.

"No, you're not, because _I _bought you those shoes, and if you ruin them, I will kill you."

"That's not very nice, Lily," I grumbled. "I'm ill."

"I don't do _nice_. I do nasty and irritable and spend my free time trying to make people hate me."

"Lovely."

I concentrated on my breathing as we descended down the stairs. A calm breath in. An wobbly one out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

I closed my eyes, finally starting to relax. Then, a bump in the stairs. Slipping, pain. Rolling over and over. Ow. Suddenly I'm lying on the floor in a heap at the bottom of the staircase.

"Oh my God, Rain! Are you okay?" I could hear a cluttering of feet above me.

"I think I've broken my skull," I moaned, sitting up. I blinked twice, waiting for the headrush to dissipate. "I'm okay now."

"Rainster, you are certifiably insane."

"Yuh huh. Tell me something I don't know," I grouched. I suddenly realised I was no longer in the safety of our dorm. "Wait. Please don't tell me the whole of Gryffindor saw that."

"Nope, just us, and well… Sirius. But never mind, it was quite funny."

I sighed.

"Yep. That was quite an entrance," an admiring voice told me. "I'm impressed."

"Tada," I said dryly, climbing up and clinging to someone's jeans to pull myself off the ground. I let go as soon as soon as I grasped who it was in those jeans and looked up. I nearly let my jaw drop. He just… looked amazing. A pair of jeans (the same shade as mine) and a jacket clung to his skin, and when I looked even further up (he was about a foot taller than me), I saw he was wearing a pale blue shirt underneath. His black hair was slightly wavy – again like mine. Weird.

"Hey," I muttered. This was not how I had planned the whole 'meeting up' thing.

"Hey. You look…" he trailed off, using his hands to express something.

"Say nice and die," I warned playfully, successfully hiding the anxiety and embarrassment I was feeling – what if he didn't think I looked nice?

"I wasn't going to say nice. That'd be insulting you."

I stared at him for a moment, trying to get used to the strange floating feeling in my stomach. "Thanks." I said simply. I usually had problems with compliments, but I accepted this one with a smile – it was impossible not to.

He smiled back, and then his smile turned to an impish grin. "So. Am I your Hottie McFitty today?"

I laughed, remembering the conversation. "Something like that." And I blushed ever so slightly. He didn't seem to notice the pink hint on my cheeks; he was beaming vibrantly, a radiant sparkle shining in his eyes.

"Are we going then?" I asked moving a step in front of him.

"Yup." He held out his hand for me, and I accepted it, shaking slightly. I tried not to get too excited about it (my heart was already exceeding its normal rate) and it would kind of mess things up if I hyperventilated before we even left the castle. And then there was the matter of sweaty hands… At least mine were cold at the moment. Oh, the gift of bad circulation.

"So. What are we doing today?"

"Popping over to Antarctica," I replied playfully.

"Sarcasm isn't attractive in a young lady, Miss O'Sullivan."

I couldn't think of an appropriate answer, so I just stuck my tongue out at him and stayed silent as we walked down to the Entrance Hall.

Then I saw them. They were standing in corner of the hall, away from everyone else, talking quietly. Skye was watching him sympathetically, her hand on his arm, biting her lip and nodding while he spoke. His eyes were on the ground as though he was embarrassed or upset by what he was saying, his body slumped and his shoulders hunched over. I saw Skye look up, and search the crowd for something. She stopped looking when her eyes met mine. I smiled fleetingly and she lifted one corner of her mouth in response. David had stopped talking to her; he was just staring at the ground now and wringing his hands like he was in pain. I gestured towards him with my free hand and waited for half a second as Skye realised what I meant. When she looked back at me she sighed, rolled her eyes and mouthed "I'll tell you later". I nodded back at Skye and threw a glare at the back of David's head – only it wasn't the back of his head anymore – it was his face and he saw me. Oops.

"I never understood this nonverbal ability that girls seem to have to communicate with each other. Me and James try to do it sometimes, but it always ends up with him shouting at me because I can never work out what he's trying to say," Sirius mused, looking at Skye.

I turned away and pulled him towards the doorway to start the walk down the road into Hogsmeade. "I think girls have a telepathic link with each other."

"Maybe. Most of your kind are psychopaths anyway." He winked at me.

I put my hands on my hips. "What do you mean 'my kind'?"

"Girls. Girls are psychotic. You either giggle hysterically, cry or scream at people. It's just weird. Why can't you act like normal human beings?"

"I don't appreciate your psychoanalysis. We are normal human beings; guys are the freaks in this world."

"Oh yeah? How?"

"None of you have any emotional awareness at all. You don't think stuff through – in fact I'm not sure you think at all – you don't cry, you don't listen to people and you don't wash. And you eat too much."

"We do have emotional awareness; we're just not oversensitive like you lot." His voice rose an octave. "_Oh my gosh, I've put on a pound! Oh my gosh!_ It's like; just chill, man. No one cares if your weight's increased by half an ounce. As long as you can get through doors, no one's bothered."

"You just don't understand. Lack of emotional awareness, remember?" I repeated, elbowing him in the stomach. Hard.

"Ouch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise men had feelings."

He rubbed his other hand against his hard stomach, grimacing as he did so. "For such a small person, you can inflict a hell of a lot of pain."

I jabbed my elbow into him again. "Enough of the little people gibes."

"OW! That hurts!" he complained.

"No shit, Sherlock. It wasn't supposed to." I rolled my eyes at him sarcastically.

"You're mean."

"And you're Serious."

"Aha. Funny."

"It was, wasn't it?"

"That joke – "

"Got old in first year," I interrupted, grinning. "And _that's _getting old too. You can't have Sirius as a name and _not _expect people to take the piss."

"I can," he told me.

I shrugged. "You can, but you shouldn't. _I _won't be stopping anytime soon – it's way too entertaining."

"You can have permission if you ask nicely," he said, eyes twinkling.

"I don't want your permission. It's more fun if I don't have it – you're sexy when you're annoyed." I smiled coyly and turned heel, striding down to Hogsmeade, blushing a beet red.

"Okay… favourite colour?"

"Blue." He smiled lightly, looking squarely into my eyes.

"Favourite holiday?"

"Christmas."

"Quidditch position?"

He raised an eyebrow, surprised. "You know Quidditch?"

"Sure," I affirmed, swallowing a large mouthful of butterbeer. "Who doesn't?"

"What do you play?"

"Seeker," I ascertained proudly, sitting a little straighter.

"Wow."

"What?"

"Just… you know, you're the first girl I've been out with that actually plays it."

I smirked. "Maybe I'm not any other girl."

"I don't think you are." His eyes were focused on mine, musing, thinking. I smiled and looked back – a second – his gaze hadn't shifted. Feeling uneasy, I averted my eyes and tried to find something to say.

"So, come on. Quidditch position?"

He sighed. "Beater."

"Kay… favourite place?"

"Hogwarts – look, can I say something?"

"Nope."

He looked genuinely taken aback. "What?"

I lifted my legs up on my chair and tucked them underneath me. "You're not used to not getting your own way, are you?"

"Nothing wrong with that," he smiled, shrugging his shoulders.

"Spoilt brat," I accused, putting my feet on his chair, brushing against his legs.

His muscles tensed slightly and then relaxed as he spoke. "Am not."

"Are too."

"You're so childish."

"You're a loser."

I was joking, but he didn't realise. He thought I was being serious and he took offence. "You know what? Everyone thinks you're such a nice person, but you're actually not. You're always going on about how I'm so nasty to everyone, but you're not exactly a saint to me, are you?" His hand was hot in mine; I loosened my grip on his hand in case he didn't want to touch me anymore. That hurt. I wished I had kept my mouth shut, but it was too late now. Just when everything had been going so well.

"I was kidding," I murmured feebly.

He didn't say anything.

I sighed. "I never said I was a nice person. Everyone else did that for me. But sorry anyway."

He still didn't answer: he wasn't going to let this go. To be honest, I was more than a little irritated now; forget the guilt. I had had the decency to apologise and he was standing there, looking at me like I was the devil's daughter. I waited for a few seconds. One. Two. Three. Enough.

"Whatever. I've got other things to do. Write to me when you've developed some sense of maturity." I was about to stalk off out of the pub, but he wouldn't let go of my hand. I pulled harder but his ironclad grip was too strong.

"Excuse me." I glared up at him. He glared back, but stopped after a second, and his annoyed expression swapped to taken aback.

He bit his lip. "Sorry. Minor overreaction there," he joked weakly.

I made no movement towards sitting back down; my anger hadn't subsided yet.

"Sit down, Rain. Please." His eyes into mine beseechingly.

"Don't tell me what to do."

He sighed. "Will you sit down?"

I hesitated for a minute and then sat down stiffly. Sirius exhaled noisily. "Okay. Let's change the subject."

"Fine."

"Right."

"Whatever."

He rolled his eyes, hiding a smile. It reminded me of Lily. "You've got a bit of a temper, you know that?"

I glowered at him, but his expression was so innocent, so hopeful, so completely what I can only describe as _Sirius_. And I melted. Just like that.

I relaxed my stance, and sank involuntarily closer to him. "Fine. You win. Talk to me."

He smiled angelically at me. "I have such irresistible charm, don't I?"

"You wish," I told him derisively, but I smiled.

"I don't need to wish." He winked at me, drained his goblet and set it down on the table. "Do you want to go? We've been in here an hour."

I nodded and started fiddling in my bag for my purse. I rummaged around and then saw the elusive glint of silver. "Aha," I announced triumphantly, drawing my hand out of my bag with the coins in my hand.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "First of all, it's only a drink and I'm paying. Second, what the hell is that?" he added, pointing to my hand.

"Money… what did you think it was?"

"It looks like silver parchment with a weird woman drawn on it."

"No," I began, looking at the money in my hand. A fifty pence piece. Three of them. "Oh."

"What is it?"

"This, my poor, uneducated friend, is fifty pence."

"Fifty pence being what?"

"Do you really not know _anything_ about muggles?"

"Nope."

"Well you should," I admonished. "Fifty pence is British muggle money."

"Oh. I thought pounds were muggle money?"

"Hail the all-knowing wizard! Pounds _are_ muggle money. It's kind of like a galleon, but a pound is probably worth less than a galleon. Pence are like knuts."

"What about sickles?"

"I guess a sickle would be like fifty pence," I shrugged.

"I want private tuition in Muggle Studies, Miss O'Sullivan. I'll even pay you in pents, if you want," he offered, eyes twinkling and crinkled at the corners.

"Aw, cheers. And it's _pence_, not pents."

"Oh-oh. _Pence_. It's pence. Pence, pence, pence," he repeated over like a mantra.

"Enough!" I laughed, clapping my hand over his mouth. He covered my hand with his and took mine away from his lips effortlessly.

"Some teacher you'd make. You have zero authority," he said, grinning.

"At least lesson time is fun!"

He smiled lopsidedly. "I'll give you that. Come on, let's get outta here."

Leaving the money on the table, he pulled me out of the pub and back into the snow. We walked towards the outskirts of the village; the shops were no longer in sight. I had no idea where we were going, but he seemed to know the area, so I followed his lead.

"So. We're in freezing cold, and I'm too lazy to start a snowball fight. What are we gonna do?"

"Questions!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. "And it's my turn now – you had a go before."

"Yay!" I threw my arms up in the air, mirroring his enthusiasm in my mock gusto.

"Let us start wiiiiittttthhhh… your mother. What's her name?"

Uh-oh. Not the family route. Why did have to be today? Leah's face flashed through my head, resolved to destroy everything that made me happy.

"Delilah," I forced out.

"And your father?"

I froze. I never thought about my father. At least, I tried not to. He was a dead-end, a no-go area – but that didn't stop me wondering where he was – who he was, and if he ever thought about me. Ever since I was little, I had craved my dad; wanted him to be there for me, waiting at the school gates for me to finish school. But he was never there. Never. I didn't even know his name.

"Pass," I said emptily.

Sirius tilted his head to one side. "Rain? What's wrong?" His voice was full of concern.

"Nothing."

"Tell me."

I shook my head, determined not to let my family problems ruin today. "There's nothing to tell, Sirius. I'm fine." I tossed my hair over my shoulder and looked away. The knowing burn on the side of my face told me he was watching me. A minute passed – and I couldn't stand it anymore. I looked back at him.

He raised his eyebrows questioningly, but his eyes were elsewhere. Not elsewhere outside – he had barely looked away from me since leaving the common room – different from that; his look was searching, calculating, accompanied by something else I couldn't quite decipher. I gazed back at his face, first watching his eyes, then dropping my stare to examine his nose, and then his faultless lips. His face was utter perfection, his chaotic beauty captivating, entrancing me into silence. I wondered what it would be like… to lean forward, bury my hands in his hair, closing my eyes as our lips met… I jerked back into the present situation. What was I thinking? I glanced at his face. He was looking at me, still wearing that peculiar expression.

"Next question, then."

He paused, and then shuffled nearer to me. His beautiful face was steely, determined, close to mine. Lifting a hand to my cheeks, he smiled, and moved his fingertips over my nose, tracing its shape. I closed my eyes, half in embarrassment, half in something else. Embarrassment because I knew my face wasn't exactly a marble sculpture. But it felt nice – not just nice – it was a sensation I'd never experienced before, and I liked it. His hand was now on my lips, hypnotizing me into silence. In the haze of _him_, the fog I was caught in – where everything and nothing was Sirius Black – I couldn't make sense of anything anymore. I couldn't work out what was going on – I couldn't think straight. He was magic. Then slowly, tantalizingly, the hands moved to my neck. My heart started hammering so hard it was almost painful. His breath was on my face. I lifted my eyelashes slightly; and almost jumped when I felt them touch against him. I snaked one of my own hands around his waist; the other, I trailed up his chest, suddenly remembering how David had shivered when I did it to him all those weeks ago. It seemed to have the same effect; Sirius shuddered. And then his grip on me tightened. His forehead touched my forehead, his nose touched my nose, and then he raised my chin slightly, his lips about to meet mine.

My eyes snapped open. I ruined it. In that second I realised what he had been about to do. I looked down, panicked, trying to do anything to get out of the situation. My face slipped out of his passionate touch. I immediately relief; the sorrow marred it. As soon as the contact was lost, I wanted it back again. Regret and an urgent desire – a need – to feel his hands on my face again took over the inexplicable fear; took over everything.

I did the only thing I could do – or the only thing I had courage enough for.

"Sorry," I whispered. I hated it. Hated how my voice sounded; how pathetic the soft apology was.

He smiled, although I saw the gravity in it this time – the effort it took to put it there. He shook his head slightly, and took his eyes off me altogether. "Don't worry about it."

But I _was _worrying about it. I was worrying about how stupid I must look to him, how immature, how sad – unable to _kiss _someone? At sixteen? It was laughable. I winced, and looked at him. He wasn't rolling his eyes at my inanity. He was slightly turned away from me – we were no longer touching. His forearms were resting on the top edge of the fence, and he was slightly bent against the wood. His hands were outstretched in front of him. His face was pained as he gazed into the distance. He was upset.

Why would he feel upset? Why would he even care?

Then it clicked. He thought I'd rejected him. I saved the latter question for later, though it made me happy just thinking about it. I shook of the wonder and wiped the idiotic grin of my face before he thought I was some kind of lunatic.

Seeing him upset disconcerted me. I was stunned – a vulnerable Sirius Black? And I was the one who had done it. _Me_. It overwhelmed me. As the shock wore off slightly, I felt unhappy too. I didn't want him upset.

Instinctively I knew what to do, and I did it without thinking. I moved closer to him, the left side of my body connecting with his right side, and laid my hand on top of his, curling it around so it fitted securely in his large one. I felt him glance down at me, but what expression was on his face I don't know; I never bothered to look. I didn't need to.

It was very nearly dark – it was at that point where the sun had already set, and the sky was dimming, about to send the world back into night. Still though, the brilliant, vivid colours of the sundown lingered, the hued iridescence reflecting on the snow. As we watched, the flecks of light gradually disappeared, leaving behind a navy canvas, blurred slightly with dappled cloud. The moon was visible, its silvery gleam giving the picture a rather gothic look. It didn't last for long. First partially, then totally, the thickening cloud obscured the small, clear-cut crescent, blocking the most significant light in the sky.

We stayed until the first snow flurry began, and then we started to trudge back to the castle in silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence – neither of us had spoken a word for a while. As soon as we entered the entrance hall, his hands stopped me and turned me to face him. He brushed the snow of my shoulders gently, as though every touch meant something to him. I wanted to look into his eyes but I found I couldn't; I felt like I would collapse if I did. My head was woolly, and I was beginning to feel giddy. I wanted to melt into his arms and never let go.

"Rain?" he spoke softly. "I want… I don't know… if you'll let me…"

"Want what?" I murmured, finally looking into his eyes. They were… I can't describe it. A grey storm and yet a tender liquid silver. A fiery ocean and yet a calm hoary river. And I knew, in that moment, I couldn't have refused anything he wanted.

"This." He leant down, and before I had chance to pull away, or mess anything up, his lips were on mine, and he was kissing me. I… Wow. A symphony of colour flashed in front of my eyes, everything beautiful was before me. Every feeling of hatred I had ever felt for him vanished and I was left wondering how I could have been so blind as to have ever disliked him. The feeling of his lips moving against mine: breathtaking. And the other thing that built on my high was the fact that he seemed to like me just as much as I liked him. He had initiated everything – it wasn't me who had asked him out. He'd done all that.

I realised, with a flushed smile, that he hadn't let go of my hand since I touched his.


	15. Author's Note

**Hey guys.**

**First off, I just wanted to say sorry this isn't a real chapter. Anyway,**

**I am SO sorry about the lack of updates! I know it's been ages since the last one (like, 5 weeks) so I want everyone who's reading to know that I haven't forgotten about this.**

**I've had some serious writers block and written about 7 versions of this and deleted them all which is why I'm taking so long to update. But hey, I bet you'd all rather read something that's good rather than something that makes you cringe, right? I am working on the next chapter and it WILL be up within a week so stay with me!**

**Love y'all,**

**Sapphira**


	16. How He Acts

**Earenya: Your last review made me laugh so much! But I loved both of them, so thank you! And hey! A block is a block. But I did as I was told and wrote instead of sleeping. And you read my stereotype thing! Yay! And my quotes - hee, gotta love Jack Sparrow! Carlisle is better than Emmett and Edward :P And I think I like you too, so, I am going to copy and paste your profile into babelfish because I'm so useless at French. Yes, I am that sad. :D Thank you!**

**drummerxbaby, Maudie, Lov3good, Naflower05, Purplpocadots13, velvettears81969, b3lla: Thank you so much for reviewing! I love you all!**

**I am SO SORRY about the lack of updates. But I have written about 5 pages of the next one so it should be up much quicker. And I have decided that if it takes me more than 2 weeks to update now, then you have permission to come and beat me up so I get writing again. Anyway, because of the Disgusting Disease of writer's bolock, I'm not really sure if this works as well as I wanted it to, but this is always how I've planned this chapter to happen. Sorry in advance. You'll probably hate me now. But I love you all too.**

**Sapphira.**

* * *

I barely slept that night. Ruby, Lily and I talked until eleven, but even when they fell asleep, I didn't. I lay awake, smiling at the ceiling, reliving every idyllic moment of the day: each look, touch, kiss. During the early hours of the morning, my eyes finally closed, but not for long. At five o'clock, I rose to sit by the window to watch the moon fade into the rising sun; and the black canvassed sky acquire a rosy tint - an almost tangible reminder of the last changeover of day and night. Time spent with Sirius Black.

I couldn't believe how _perfect _Hogsmeade had been. So perfect, I was on the verge of wondering if it had been a dream. It seemed so surreal; something that could only occur in someone else's life, not mine. And yet it had happened. Sirius Black, in all his glory, had asked me to Hogsmeade, I had agreed, and subsequently, I had experienced one of the best days of my life.

The next morning did not harbour the same serenity as the night before. Lily and Ruby were up early, and apparently, late nights did not suit Ruby, who was grumpy, irritable and agitated.

"…eyes look like death - stupid, shitty, dark circles. Piss off, you goddamn - "

"Language, Ruby!" Lily hissed.

"Ooh, get you, Miss Prim and Prissy With a Stick Up My - "

"Ruby!"

"Yeah, well, it's alright for you isn't it? You don't have two purple bitches sitting underneath _your _eyes, do you? Because you're Lily Evans the Perfect. With a shiny prefect badge saying 'I am a prude' with a nice arrow drawn on pointing to - "

"I'm warning you, Ruby," Lily reproved, eyes dangerous. "Shut your mouth."

"_My_ mouth? Hey, you wanna know what happened to my mouth yesterday? I'll tell you what happened - the sexiest Remus Lupin alive - "

"SHUT _UP_, RUBY!"

"Whatever," she snapped back, stretching the skin underneath her eyes. "Oh, crap, crap, crap. Why me? Bloody purple - argh, it's pig ugly! Damn it!"

I laughed; I couldn't help it. Ruby shot me daggers, saying grumpily, "Don't know what you're laughing at. Your eyes are bad too. Look in the mirror, Twat-face."

Suddenly concerned, I leaped off her bed to the mirror to examine my eyes. Sure enough, a lilac bruising was forming under my eyes - the product of a nigh on sleepless night. I sighed good-naturedly, albeit a little tiredly, checking my face at different angles. I wandered over to the table beside my bed and reached for my wand.

"There's something to fix this, right Lily?" I asked confidently, raising my wand to my face and tapping it.

Lily scowled, answering reluctantly, "Yes, but I'm not telling Miss Gobby over there."

"I don't need your help anyway," she muttered darkly.

"Fine then," Lily smirked. "Rain, come here."

I grinned and bounced over to where Lily was standing. "You're amazing, you know that, Lils?"

"So I've been told." She flicked her wand lazily without saying a word - unlike me, she was now completely adept with nonverbal magic. I hopped over to the mirror, staring and smiling at my now dark circle-free face.

Ruby glared enviously at me, folding her arms. Then, relenting slightly, she mumbled, "What is that charm?"

"Thought you didn't need my help?"

"I don't," Ruby grouched, furrowing her eyebrows, looking away.

"Okay then," Lily said slyly, turning to me and grinning. "You nearly ready, Rain? We've only got ten minutes."

I smiled and walked back into the bathroom, calling over my shoulder, "Almost."

I dressed quickly, leaving my top button undone and loosening my tie. I brushed my hair and flipped it over, trying to shake some curl back into it. The subtle waves Lily had created in it yesterday had flattened out when I had slept on them, leaving my hair lank. I scrunched it up and admired the effect it had in the mirror, before applying some blue eyeliner and lip gloss to redden my lips slightly. I smiled at my reflection, pleased at how well the happy expression became my face, and I stepped back out to the dormitory.

"Fine. Tell me the damn spell."

"Because you need my help."

"Because I need your help. Happy?"

"Very," Lily pronounced triumphantly. "It's 'reparo'."

"Reparo? What the hell?"

"Use your head, Ruby. Reparo fixes things, so it'll fix the abnormal colour underneath your eyes."

Ruby scowled, muttering, "I could have worked that out myself."

"Well, you didn't, so tough luck."

"You're such a bitch."

"I know. And that was out of order."

I rolled my eyes at them, but smiled. "Coming?"

Lily nodded, still smirking at Ruby and led us both out of the dormitory door and down the steps.

"Better be something decent for breakfast; I'm starving," Ruby grumbled. "If there's any gooey sauce with the cereal, I'm going to puke."

"It might not have crossed your mind, Rube, but there's _always_ gooey sauce with the cereal. It's called milk," I added patronizingly.

"Shut your mouth."

"God, you're grumpy today."

"Aye Sir, now shut the hell up."

"Okay."

The common room was alive with the buzz of conversation by the time we went down. A slow wave of students was drifting towards the portrait door, down to breakfast; others were finishing off homework; and others, mostly girls, were discussing the Hogsmeade trip. I noticed a fair few glances in my direction, accompanied by some frenzied whispers - courtesy of Sirius, I suspected. As I looked around, I saw Lucy's face glaring at me from a distance and she too, was muttering to Maria Shaw. I sighed, and with a sinking stomach, I squinted at the boys' dorms, trying to locate Sirius and James in the sea of people. No luck; so I followed Lily and Ruby down to the Great Hall without a word.

I don't know why I expected any different from Lucy, really. Apart from the initial Hogwarts celebrity factor, if I was honest, I hadn't really given much thought other people's opinions. I had been so tied up with nerves at the prospect a date with Sirius Black, I didn't have much spare worrying space for anyone else. But now, it bothered me. It bothered me that Lucy was evidently bitching about me behind my back. It bothered me that half the girls in the school would be doing the same thing. Was Sirius really worth that?

"Rain, I know you and Ruby will want to sit with Black and Lupin, but I don't want to sit by Potter," Lily told me distastefully, pointing to the Gryffindor table. "So I want you to sit by Potter so I don't have to. That okay?"

I nodded absently, still lost in thought. Ruby darted straight over to the Marauders to sit with Remus, smiling for the first time since last night. Apparently Remus was far more accomplished at Eradication of Grumpiness than Lily and I. As we edged closer, I caught Sirius' eye. He was smiling slightly too, his forehead smooth and marble-like. My heart leaped; without thinking about it, I smiled back and held his gaze. Then, unbidden to my mind, appeared an image of Lucy, whispering to Maria, throwing daggers at me. I looked away and spoke to Lily instead.

"Where did you want me sit again?"

"There," she breathed back, subtly indicating the place with the back of her hand.

"Which side?" I muttered softly, turning an embarrassing shade of pink with the knowledge that Sirius was still watching me.

"That one," she instructed, again gesturing to the seat with her left hand.

I swallowed and nodded, and as I sat down, I caught sight of a group of Ravenclaws staring at me, with a pretty brunette that I recognised as one of Sirius' exes shooting me evils. Forcing myself to look away, I sat down awkwardly, catching Sirius' eye again. I smiled uncomfortably, then glanced down to look at the food that had appeared on my plate.

"Shut up, Potter."

"But Lilykins - "

"HOW MANY TIMES! DO NOT CALL ME 'LILYKINS'!"

"Admit that you fancy me, Evans," James implored arrogantly, turning to me. "Rain, you're her best friend. Tell her to admit that she loves me."

"I," I began decidedly, "Am not getting involved."

"You're so horrible."

"If you say so," I murmured, turning to look at the Ravenclaws again. They were still staring at me, this time whispering behind their hands.

"You know why they've taken such a big interest in you, don't you?" Lily whispered, so quietly that only I could hear her.

"Surprise me," I muttered back, sarcastically.

"Well, if you don't want the attention, you could always ditch him," she said, shrugging, then, seeing my facial expression she added wryly, "I'm being insensitive, aren't I?"

I ignored her last comment. "I can't ditch him. We're not going out."

"What are you talking about? You went to Hogsmeade with him - I'd say that counted as a potential date, I mean, you kissed - "

"Shut up, Lily!" I hissed, suddenly realising that Sirius was listening intently to our conversation; evidently we hadn't been quite as quiet as I thought.

She scoffed. "Oh, like it matters, Rain."

I glared at her, eventually she sighed in defeat and helped herself to some more toast. "Want some?" she offered, seeing my jealous eyes. It was so unfair how some people could eat and eat and not put on any weight.

"No," I snapped back, harsher than intended. "I'm on a diet."

She rolled her eyes. "You and your stupid diets! What is it this week? Atkins? Starve-yourself-silly?"

"No, it's called Don't-eat-seven-pieces-of-toast-in-the-morning-because-it's-completely-unnecessary. Especially," I emphasized the word, "in front of self-sacrificing individuals who can't eat whatever they want and still look like you. Namely, me."

She rolled her eyes again - a habit of hers - and ignored me. Scowling, I poured myself a small goblet of pumpkin juice and sipped it slowly, every so often glancing at the Ravenclaw table. I saw David enter the Hall with a group of his friends; I saw his eyes immediately search for mine. I looked away, then looked back again when he sat down. He was smiling at something his friend had said, and I realised that his smile didn't affect me the same way that Sirius' did. I was about to drop my gaze again - I was convinced he was watching me - but then I noticed he was looking past me. His eyes didn't possess the same mild, wistful expression that they had when they looked at me; instead they were hard, and angry. He was glaring at Sirius, who, I discovered when I turned to him, was glaring back with equal, if not more ferocity than David displayed. Weird.

I swallowed, and, deciding to ignore them, I turned to James' conversation.

"Talking of Sirius, you're very quiet this morning, Pads!"

Sirius tore his eyes away from David's for moment to answer James' question with an uninterested, "Mm." It wasn't exactly a ten minute speech, but it was the first time I had heard his voice that day, and it made my heart jump.

"C'mon Padfoot! Lighten up a bit - this is the girl you've been twittering about all night you're sitting with!"

Sirius really did join the conversation then. He turned a very deep shade of red. As did I. But hey, he was talking about me? "Shut the fuck up, James," he muttered angrily.

"Sheesh, chill out! I was just _saying _how quiet we are this morning, considering the wonderful Hogsmeade trip was yesterday."

"Everyone's quiet this morning, except you, James," I interjected with a forced calm, trying to erase the embarrassment of the situation. "You, my child, are just acting like a hyperactive toddler."

"Hyperactive is good!" James chirped happily.

"Not when you're sitting next to me it's not."

He smiled angelically. "How's your love-life?"

"A hell of a lot better than yours, I imagine," I declared airily, nodding towards Lily.

"That was uncalled for," James replied sourly.

I shrugged. "You asked for it."

James scoffed and spluttered, while I gazed serenely out of the window, content, for a moment. It didn't last long. I could still feel the group of Ravenclaw girls staring me and I fidgeted in my seat, twisting my head to see out the corner of my eye.

"Is there something wrong, Rain?" Lily asked.

"No. Why?"

"You keep moving about, and as you're sitting next to me, you're driving me insane."

"Sorry," I replied insincerely, turning around again. "What do we have next?" I asked suddenly.

"Herbology," Lily answered immediately. "But you have Astronomy."

"No…" I began to argue. "We have Charms now."

"Astronomy."

"Charms."

"Are you disputing my superior knowledge of your timetable?"

I sighed. "Fine, I have Astronomy." I paused. "Damn, I don't have any of my stuff."

Lily rolled her eyes _again. _"Go and get it then."

"Some friend you are," I muttered.

"Do you expect me to be late for my next class, just to come with you? Some friend you are."

"Whatever."

Sirius interrupted then and he sent my heart into overdrive. "I'll come with you, if that's okay."

I gawked at him for a moment. "Okay then," I said finally.

We left together, with him walking slightly behind me. Neither of use said a word until we reached the second floor. Predictably, it was him who spoke first.

He looked uncomfortable. "So. Um, did you have a good time yesterday?"

I nodded, saying slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, I did. Did you?"

"One of the best."

I swallowed nervously. "Well, that's… um… good."

"I… yeah. Good."

I didn't know what else to say, so I let the conversation lull back into silence. It wasn't a comfortable silence, where both parties are happy not saying anything. No. It was horrible and awkward and embarrassing.

He tried to speak to me again, trying to inject his usual charisma into the exchange, and failing miserably. "And, how are you this morning?"

"Fine. Just fine, thanks. I… How are you?"

"Good."

I nodded, my mouth feeling dry. How. Utterly. Pathetic. What was wrong with me?

"You're a lot quieter today," he noted softly.

"So are you," was my short, awkward response.

"Maybe I don't know what to say."

"Maybe I don't know either."

After what seemed like an eternity, we arrived at the portrait door. He waited outside while I dashed inside, eager to get away from the unease of the situation. If I had known who was inside I would have happily relived an hour of what I had just experienced. Lucy McFadden and Maria Shaw were alone in the common room, talking quietly. They both stopped to look at me. I smiled shakily; Lucy gave me a small, completely fake smile. Maria just watched me coldly.

I didn't know what to do. Walk on? Speak? Finally, I settled for walk on. I ran up the dormitory steps and retrieved my books, before quickly hurrying back down the stairs. Lucy and Maria were still there, still talking, still watching me. I gulped and tried to walk past them. No such luck.

"You okay, Rain?" Lucy called, stopping me in my tracks.

I turned around and replied, with a false smile, reflecting hers. "Yeah, fine thanks. You?"

"Yeah, good," she answered airily, then her tone changed and it was clear she was trying to suppress anger. "What was Hogsmeade like? You went with Sirius, right?"

My heart sank. "It was good. I really liked it."

"Oh. That's nice." Her voice suggested otherwise. "So, you and him are going out now, then?"

I sighed. "Well, no, not really."

"Don't," she advised pointedly.

I was taken aback by her sudden severity. "Huh?"

"I said, don't go out with him," she repeated.

"Why not?"

"Don't you know?"

"Know what?"

"What Sirius acts like, even when he has a girlfriend? What he does? What he says?"

"No…"

* * *

She let me go - eventually. But by the time I saw Sirius again, I felt sick to my stomach with what she had told me. I didn't even want to look at him. I didn't want to look at myself.

"I'll carry your bag, if you want," I heard him offer. "It looks a bit heavy."

"No," I answered tersely. "I can manage."

He didn't talk to me again. And I was glad. So relieved when I could no longer see his retreating figure.

Astronomy was awful. I spent the whole lesson staring out of the window, not bothering to answer when Professor Bakshi asked me why I was late. At break time I raced to the common room, praying with all I had that Lucy wouldn't still be there.

It was such a relief to be back inside the dormitory; the warm familiarity of the place was so comforting. I took my robes off and removed my jumper and tie, so I was only wearing my shirt and skirt. I padded over to Lily's bed and opened her trunk, pulling her neatly folded clothes out of the way. There it was, right at the bottom, barely touched. I lifted it out, careful to lay the clothes back exactly as they had been before, carrying it into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

I laid the scales out on the floor, twisting the knob at the side, so the pointer was at exactly zero. Swallowing and biting back tears, I stood gingerly onto the scales. I shut my eyes, counting to ten, readying myself, determined to remain composed.

I felt sick when I opened them. The red pointer was past the big nine. I was nine and a half stone. Nine and a half. I was shaking. Tears were seeping down my cheeks in torrents. How could I have let this happen? How could I have let this get so completely out of control? I could see plainly in the mirror how much the skirt had to stretch to cover my own thighs - forget Lucy's - how obvious the pockets of fat were though the shirt. "_Your skirt's a bit too tight for my liking_." More tears spilled over from my now-closed eyes, falling onto the front of my shirt. "_Lose some weight, doll_." I cried harder, sobbing this time, trying to muffle the sound against my towel. I shoved the scales away, turning them over in a combination of anger and misery.

Minutes later, footprints sounded on the other side of the door.

"Rain?"

It took me a while to steady my voice. I concentrated on my breathing, silently repeating the word 'calm' over and over, like a mantra.

"Rain, what the hell are you doing in there?" It was Ruby. "C'mon Rainster, I'm going to wet myself in a minute, hurry up!"

"Kay," I managed. I could hear how strangled my voice sounded; I could only hope she wouldn't notice if she was preoccupied. I ripped off the shirt as quietly as I could, pulling my jumper back over my head. I placed the scales on my arm, holding the edge in my left hand, tossing the towel over them and bunched it up in the middle, so she couldn't tell there was anything underneath it. I unlocked the door slowly, and immediately after it was unlocked, she rushed in and relocked it behind her, not seeing me. Relieved, I placed the scales quickly back inside Lily's trunk and slid under the covers of my own bed, pulling them over my head so no one could see me. As soon as I was in darkness, the vault of tears reopened and I began to shake again with silent cries.

* * *


	17. Crazy Train

**Earenya: Hey! Okay, so I translated your profile on Babelfish. It sucked. But I reckon I got the general idea and you like the same couples as me! (That part was very Englishy) I mean, Molly and Authur, how cute? Neville Luna, Regulus, Draco + Hermione... love it. Anyway, your medal for reading my stereotype thing is in the post - all the way from Britain! I got the queen to sign it for you too :D Kidding. She didn't really. Happyy you liked my last chapter! *smiles insanely* And yeah, Lucy's a bitch. I hate her. Thank you for your review :)))**

**Ruby Chubb & won't be the Victim: I'm so glad you both like it. Thanks for readin'!**

**Sorry for not updating in like, three months. Exams, exams and more exams. But now they're all over! Well, they will be on Friday - I have one more Physics module to do and then I'm finished. So, hopefully, updates will be a lot more frequent. **

**This chapter. Hmm. I don't think many of you will like it (I did compensate a bit at the end) and Rain is starting to develop some serious issues here. You'll see what I mean. I've spent the last two weeks trying to get this chapter right - it sounds a bit fragmented, but that's because Rain's a bit... not right. I wrote another story while I was trying to get back into this - it's called 'If You're Reading This' and it's also SB/OC - if you're bored or want to waste some time, check it out. You'll find it in my profile. Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading it, and please leave a review to tell me what you think!**

**Love, Sapphira.**

_

* * *

_

_Fat. _The word echoed inside my head, making me sick. I lifted my wrist, looped my fingers around it - I couldn't. My fingers fell short. What had I done to myself? What had happened to me? How had I lost so much control of my weight? I had never been fat as a child - on the contrary, I had always been thin because my mother had never really cooked properly. And I always thought myself healthy. I had even _described _myself as a healthy weight. No. I had noticed my jeans were too tight when I went Hogsmeade. And it hadn't bothered me that much at the time. Why? Why hadn't I realised what was happening to me? As if a fat girl could go out with Sirius Black. As if.

"… between blue shift and astronomical distance, Miss O'Sullivan?"

I jumped in my seat, turning away from the window to gaze at the teacher instead. "Um, what?"

Professor Bakshi frowned, but repeated the question without reproof. "What is the direct relation between blue shift and astronomical distance?"

I knew the answer. I knew it, but my mind went blank and I couldn't think. _Blue shift…_ All that came into my head was Sirius, telling me that his favourite colour was blue. "Sorry… um, I… don't know," I stuttered. "Sorry."

He raised his eyebrows at me, but again, didn't say a word. He repeated the question to Remus, who, of course, answered it word perfect. I shrank in my seat, looking down, ashamed. I never got things wrong in Astronomy. Never.

I felt a light tap on my wrist, and I looked up miserably.

Skye was smiling at me, sympathetically. "It's just a question," she whispered. "Don't worry about it."

I lifted the corners of my mouth as much as I could, and nodded in reply. She deserved that much at least; Skye had sat faithfully beside me as usual, despite the fact I had barely spoken a word to her since we had entered the classroom. She was less officious than Lily; instead of questioning me, she had stayed silent - and I really appreciated it.

The bell rang signalling the end of the lesson, a sound I had never been more grateful for. I breathed a sigh of relief, and began packing my books back into my bag, ignoring David's attempt to catch my eye. I nodded to Skye, who was waiting for me at the door.

"A word please, Miss O'Sullivan."

I looked up to see Professor Bakshi standing two metres in front of me. His voice was soft, but he looked grim, serious. I sighed; and my heart sank.

"A _private _word, Miss Matthews," he added, now speaking to Skye. "I'm sure Miss O'Sullivan will have plenty of time to come and find you when we are finished."

She hesitated, but then left, leaving us alone.

He moved backwards, towards his desk and motioned me to join him. Moving tentatively closer, I watched him delve into a pile of parchment, flicking through it, searching for something. At length, he found it - a small book, marked 'NEWT Sixth Year 1976'.

"Miss O'Sullivan, I'd like you to take a look through this." He handed the book to me, his eyes boring into mine. I leafed through it quickly, blushing slightly when I couldn't find anything that related to me. I reached the last page - and tensed. It had no title, only a list of names and letters. Instinctively, my eyes fell to the 'S's in the column, skipping ahead to 'Sullivan'. With a deep pride, I followed the long line of O's with a small smile. Then I froze. From the week marked 4th December, there was a P and then, last week, a D.

"It's not like you, Miss O'Sullivan," Bakshi said gravely. "I have become accustomed to seeing nothing but flawless work from you. These last two grades have concerned me."

I didn't answer at first. The small, black D had rendered me incapable of speech. Then, in a tiny, mousey voice, I spoke. "Sorry."

He raised on eyebrow. "Perhaps you could put your best effort into today's essay so we can replace those last two grades?"

"Yes, sir," I mumbled, not making eye contact with him.

"Very well. Off you go."

My hands trembled as I bent to pick up my bag and my vision went black for a second - the effect of no breakfast and an awful morning. I gritted my teeth, ignoring the sudden headrush, and stumbled out of the door. I expected to find Skye waiting for me in the corridor but she wasn't. Sighing, I wandered down the stairs to Potions, the class I had next. I was dreading it.

Over the past week I had been very purposely avoiding Sirius at all costs. If I saw him in corridor I would dash into the nearest girls' toilet. If there wasn't a toilet near by, I would pretend to be talking to Lily or Ruby and walk straight past him. I knew he had worked out I was ignoring him - but he hadn't worked out why. At least, I didn't think so. Why would he? It wasn't like he would care that much anyway.

Most of the class were waiting outside the classroom by the time I arrived. I could see Skye talking to David, but it wasn't them I was focused on. Sirius was standing with James a few metres away from everyone else, around the corner of the stairs. They couldn't see me - I was still only halfway down the steps - but I could hear their conversation.

"It's unbelievable. I mean, out of the all the girls in this school, I pick the only one who doesn't want me," Sirius was saying bitterly.

"You don't know that, mate. Girls are weird creatures. It might not be anything to do with you."

"Yeah, right."

"Look, Pads, you don't know what's going on in her head. Rain's" - my heart jumped at the mention of my name - "not exactly someone who shouts her problems out to the world, is she?"

"Well that's the whole point, isn't it? I _don't _know, _because_ she won't bloody talk to me!"

"You such a damn drama queen - king, Sirius! Who says she's not waiting for you to talk to her?"

"I have! But she won't fucking listen. She's either in a group of her bloody friends or she disappears."

"Talk to her now then. She can hardly waltz off and sit in the ingredient cupboard."

I didn't want to hear anymore. Walking down the rest of the stairs, I immediately joined Skye and David (I couldn't see Lily, and Ruby didn't take Potions) without looking at either Sirius or James.

"Hey," I greeted Skye, with false lightness.

"Hi," she replied. "What did Bakshi want?"

"Essays and stuff. Nothing important."

"He didn't look happy." Evidently she wasn't convinced.

I shrugged. "Maybe he's got something on his mind."

"Mm. Maybe he's not the only one."

* * *

**ASSIGNMENT IV: To construct Essay B (below) by Wednesday 8****th**** December.**

**Use your knowledge of Muncini's 2****nd**** Theory of Lunar Dynamics to discuss the relationship between this theory and the effect of time and astronomical distance on blue shift. Describe and explain fully how blue shift proves Charon's orbit of Pluto is distinctly distorted, giving brief references to Chapter 14 of **_**Astronomy for the Advanced, **_**showing a clear understanding of Elliptical Motion. Specific details should be provided; 15 inches is the expected length.**

_Due to its small size and large distance in relation to the Sun, Pluto's orbit is a clear ellipse. It is a mixture of ice and frozen methane with a surface temperature of 210 __-_

"Isn't the whole idea of _Astronomy _homework not to do it in a Potions lesson?"

_Due to its small size and large distance in relation to the Sun, Pluto's orbit is a clear ellipse. It is a mixture of ice and frozen methane with a surface temperature of 210 __-_

_Charon is Pluto's only moon and therefore __-_

"Rain, I'm talking to you."

_Charon is Pluto's only moon and therefore __-_

_Because of it's abnormal size compared to other moons, Charon has an elliptical orbit. According to Muncini's theory this is __-_

"Rain!"

"What?! What do you want?"

"Well… a conversation would be nice. For once," he added, muttering darkly.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" I asked testily. Like I didn't know.

"Hmm. I wonder," he pondered sarcastically. "Could it be a reference to the fact you've done your best to ignore me for the last week?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, I think you do."

"_I_ think you should shut the hell up," I said nastily.

"Well that's nice, Rain, because it looks like you've really have mastered the art of shutting up, doesn't it?" His tone was just as nasty as mine had been.

"Whereas you've really mastered the art of being a complete bastard 24/7, haven't you?"

"Coming from you?"

I stared at him hard. And I think, for that moment, I hated him again.

Then his manner changed. It changed from angry, don't-fuck-with-me attitude to the more vulnerable, Hogsmeade one. "Did you even want to go to Hogsmeade with me at all?"

"Well, I'm starting to wonder why I ever did," I retorted, icily.

For a second, he looked hurt, and then he gathered himself together. "Wow, you really are a bitch, aren't you?"

"What?"

"You heard."

"You know what, Sirius Black? Just go and… whatever. Just do whatever. You do what the hell you want. Fuck you."

And I walked out of the door. It was the middle of a lesson; Slughorn was in the room; we in were in an assessed practical: but none of it seemed to matter anymore. It was like I was high on anger, like I could do anything. So I did and nothing happened. Or maybe I didn't hear Slughorn shouting after me. Maybe I didn't care.

* * *

"Rain?"

"Yes?"

"You are okay, aren't you?" I saw her emerald eyes scan me over.

"Of course. I'm fine - just tired."

"It's just… when you left Potions, you looked… upset."

"I was, a bit. But I'm fine now."

"Okay," she sighed, looking somewhat appeased. "See you later then."

"'Night," I responded, turning towards the dormitory.

"Rain?"

"Yeah?" I answered, feeling slightly annoyed. Couldn't she just leave me alone?

"Why don't you go and say goodnight to Black?" Her voice was more authoritive this time, less concerned. "He's watching you."

My heart jumped slightly, before settling back into its usual rhythm. "I'm really tired - I just want to go to bed."

"How much energy does it take to say goodnight to someone?" She scoffed, raising her eyebrows.

"A lot," I replied dismissively. "'Night, Lily." I didn't wait for her to answer.

* * *

"Rain, is that all you're eating?"

"I told you before: I'm just not hungry."

"Well, why not? You didn't come to breakfast either."

"I don't know, Lily," I answered irritably. "Why don't you ask my stomach?"

She looked hurt and didn't say anything else; neither did I. After three minutes of the awkward silence, I left the Great Hall and began to walk to Charms, tired and hungry.

It was the last day of the autumn term; this time tomorrow I'd be on the Hogwarts Express, speeding towards Reading. I wasn't excited - in fact I was dreading it, but at the same time, I was looking for forward to going home. I wanted to see Mum again, make sure she was okay, and even Leah… maybe she would be glad of some help with Mum.

A series of heavy footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts, and on turning around, I was met with a mass of black hair and grey eyes.

He spoke first. Tentatively. "Hi."

I nodded my head in recognition, saying nothing.

He sighed, the shyness(?) vanishing. "Rain, what's wrong?"

"Wrong? You tell me. You and Lily are the ones that seemed to think I've gone crazy all of a sudden, not me."

"Did I do something? Have I said something?"

"No, of course - " I stopped. Why was I lying? I didn't need to. It might do him some good to hear what I thought of him. So I gritted my teeth and went for it. "Actually, yes you have."

"What?" I saw his eyes widen with surprise. Maybe even regret.

"I used to think you were just another selfish bastard; then I changed my mind and thought that maybe I was wrong. Turns out I was right all along, doesn't it? You _are _a bastard. And why the hell I actually liked you is anyone's guess."

His face fell, fist in shock, then the hurt became evident in his lineaments. Eventually, he brought his eyes back up to meet mine and cleared his throat, saying gruffly, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

"So am I," I murmured faintly. My head was swimming; suddenly everything was out of focus. I swayed a little and then everything flickered from blackness to blur. Sirius darted over to me, concerned.

"Rain? You okay?"

"M'fine," I mumbled, involuntarily supporting myself against his chest.

"I can take you up the hospital wing, if you - "

"I'm fine," I managed, with more force, now standing on my own. "I'm just… tired. Yeah, tired," I added as my stomach growled softly.

"Are you sure you don't want Madam Pomfrey to - "

"I'm fine."

"Sure?"

"How many times?" I asked with weak aggression. "I'm fine."

He sighed. "Okay." A pause. "Rain, I…" He turned his head to check we were alone and then looked at the floor, as though he was trying to work out what to say. "I don't _want_ you to think… I'm… argh. I care about you, Rain. And I thought… I thought you liked me too…."


	18. Said the Scales

**To all my reviewers: Naflower05, Mrs. Rose Malfoy, Lov3good, Kit and Earenya. Thank you so, so, so much for reviewing! It makes me feel very happy... hee.**

**Earenya: I UPDATED! Aren't you proud of me? And check my profile out now. You don't have to read the stereotype thing again to find it (I was nice). And 'ovation' is a word in English. It's a very nice word and I like it lots and lots. And no, Rain isn't really fat. She's just average. Or she used to be. Love ya!**

**HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!**

**Okay, so I've explained this chapter a lot at the bottom - PLEASE READ IT - even though it's a bit boring. I've tried to clear a lot of things/questions up. If you're actually reading this still, thank you, because I know I'm useless at updating. I WILL try to get better. I promise. And please review, because that always gets me writing quicker.**

* * *

**Chapter 18: Said the Scales**

So there I was again: alone in the bathroom, standing on the scales, wishing I was someone else. Anyone else but me - _please, God. _

I looked down slowly, closing my eyes and counting to ten, praying desperately. After ten long seconds, I opened them. A mix of power and euphoria filled me, as I recited the number over and over inside my head: I had already hit my target weight for this week, still with two days to go. I smiled happily and pulled my school jumper back over my head, relishing the fact that it was now too big for me. That feeling was amazing - it was like I'd actually managed to achieve something worth achieving, for once, in my sad, pathetic life.

That brought me back down to Earth with a startling intensity. I still had a long way to go. A few pounds would hardly be enough. I had to keep going - keep dieting, keeping losing the weight. But it would be worth it. So, so worth it. Then, maybe, I would be thin enough to go out with someone like Sirius Black. To be able to be with Sirius and feel like I deserved to be there, would be almost everything I'd ever wanted. Just imagining it was enough to produce the ghost of a smile.

I couldn't understand Sirius. I couldn't understand why _he _of all people would want to have anything to do with me. He was this beautiful guy, who was smart, funny, popular, and practically worshipped by the whole school; then there was me - the fat, boring freak, who was dumb and ugly in to the bargain. How can you get your head around that? But according to him, he did want me.

_He had turned his head to check we were alone, then looked at the floor, as though he was trying to work out what to say. "I don't want you to think… I'm… argh. I care about you, Rain. And I thought… I thought you liked me too…."_

_Everything in me came crashing down. Sirius Black liked me?"I… I…" I stuttered. I could see him looking intently at me out of the corner of my eye, waiting for an answer. "I do… I do like you… I just…" I couldn't say anymore. There was a lump rising in my throat; I was shaking. I just wanted to run to the toilets and cry on my own._

_Sirius took my hand before I could leave, holding it fast in his own. "I'm so glad you've said that," he half whispered sincerely, slowly encircling his arms around me. _

_Neither of said anything else for a while. I was trying to stop myself from crying - but I couldn't help thinking that he was wasting his time being here, with me. I was useless. A waste of space, time, and energy. Not like him. _

"_Why do you think I'm such a 'selfish bastard'," he asked eventually, still not letting go of me. _

"_You're not," I murmured to his chest, ready to cry again. _

_He sighed and kissed my forehead. "I don't understand you, Rain."_

"_I don't understand me either."_

_He chuckled softly. Then, after a pause, he said gently, "Why have you been ignoring me?"_

_The lump rose again. "I… I didn't…."_

"_I know you were, Rain. I'm not angry… not anymore. I just don't know why."_

"_Because I don't understand why someone like you would want to be with someone like me," I burst out impetuously, instantly regretting my pitiful little speech. Turning bright pink, I tried to extricate myself from his arms, and failing. He wouldn't let go._

"_What do you mean, 'someone like you'?" he asked slowly._

"_Nothing," was my hurried response. "It doesn't matter."  
_

"_Yes, it does. If we're going to have a relationship, Rain, you have to start telling me what you're thinking."_

_A relationship? With him? My heart leapt. "Just… you know… you're Mr Popular and I'm… well, I'm not. And Lucy told me - " Damn, I'd said too much again._

"_What?" he said sharply. "What did Lucy tell you?"_

_I was hardly going into details. "Just… you know… that you're… um…"_

"_Don't listen to anything she says," he told me intensely. "She's a bitch and a liar. Some people think she's really nice - she's not."_

"_Okay." _

"'_Okay'? 'Okay, Lucy's a bitch,' or 'Okay, I'm fine and we're going out'?"_

"_I… both?"_

"_Really?"_

_I nodded weakly, without knowing what I was saying. _

_He smiled happily, his eyes lighting up as he leant down to kiss me. The feel of his lips against mine… my heart nearly stopped. _

"_You do know that this means you're officially my girlfriend now, don't you?" he grinned, half playfully, half seriously. My stomach jumped, then lurched. How can I be **his **girlfriend? _

_I just smiled._

I sighed. It wasn't that I wasn't happy to be with Sirius (on the contrary, it was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time) I just knew I could never be good enough for him. _Or pretty enough,_ I thought as I studied myself in the full-length mirror. I recoiled in hatred when I prodded my thighs - they felt like huge slabs of fatty meat - I could even see the fat there. I couldn't eat lunch with thighs like that.

Lunch… how could I get myself out of it without Lily noticing? I had realised she suspected something was wrong; she kept throwing me worried looks, especially at mealtimes. Ruby hadn't noticed anything about my eating habits, but then she was so obsessed with Remus at the moment to see anything that wasn't his face or his body. Lily, on the other hand, was really starting to get on my nerves. I knew what she'd say if I told her I was on a diet. I could hear her voice inside my head now: _"__Rain, this is stupid, you don__'__t need to diet. Sirius likes you the way you are.__" _Obviously she was wrong: I did need to diet, and it did matter to Sirius what I looked like.

So what could I have that was virtually fat free? Or even better, I could skip lunch entirely - tell Lily I had to go the library to finish some homework, then meet back up with her and Ruby afterwards. I could pretend I ate with Skye. Although I couldn't sit at the Slytherin table… unless we had 'gone down to the kitchen'. That could work. Yes, that would work.

I put my hand to my stomach, feeling the fat there, too. It disgusted me - it shouldn't be there. I never used to have this excess _flab. _What had happened to me? _It doesn__'__t matter, _I told myself. _You__'__re on the right track again now. You're back in control._

I clambered off the scales, pulling my skirt back on and fluffing my hair up a bit. Before I opened the door, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes; then I stepped out. No one was there, but I still hid the scales under my bed as quickly as I could. Suddenly, I remember all the uneaten food I had stuffed into the drawer of my bedside table. Grabbing my wand, and checking to see the dormitory was still empty, I opened the drawer, muttering _'evanesco'._ The food vanished; with it, the unpleasant, lingering smell, associated with rotting apples.

I smiled to myself, and picked up my bag, leaving the dormitory for the dungeons.

* * *

"Rain? Rain, where the hell have you been?"

"Library. I left my homework there last night."

"I can't believe you actually go to the library," Ruby said distastefully. "It's so embarrassing."

I just shrugged, smiling as I saw Sirius and James walking towards us.

"Hey," I murmured, lifting my head up as he leaned down to kiss me.

James' eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Eurgh! Stop it!" he exclaimed, trying to push Sirius off me. "Mate, you can't do that in public! She's a _lady!"_

Sirius grinned, winking at me. I blushed.

Ruby smirked. "Yeah, Sirius. Rain's a _lady."_

"And _you_ can't talk!" James continued angrily, rounding on her. "What about you and Remus? God, you all make me sick! I can't go anywhere anymore without seeing one of you two snogging my best mates! It's so bloody disgusting. First Remus, prattling on about you all night, then Sirius with Rain… I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL UP TO! You're stealing my friends! What potion have you all used? And Peter… shit, Peter! I cannot cope with seeing Peter snogging anyone!"

"Especially Lily, eh, James?" I interrupted. "Lily and Peter… actually forget I said that. That _is _pretty disgusting."

Sirius groaned. "Thanks for that image, Rain."

I smiled apologetically.

James' mouth was hanging open. "_Lily and Peter!" _he repeated in horror. "Why would she pick _Peter _over _me?"_

"Well, let's face it, James," continued Ruby. "Peter is much better looking than you, he's smarter than you, he's more popular… why _wouldn't _Lily pick him over you?"

He carried on gazing at her, eyes wide with shock.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm _joking, _James. Even _you've_ got more chance with Lily than Peter has."

It took him a while to process what she'd said. "You reckon?" He asked hopefully, at last.

Slughorn's voice boomed from the doorway before she could reply. "Good morning, everyone! I hope you've had a hearty breakfast: we've got a lot of brewing to do today!" _Is he looking at me? Why would he want to know about breakfast? _

We filed into the classroom and I slid in behind James, so Slughorn saw as little of me as possible.

Sirius looked at me oddly. "What was that?"

"What?" I lied smoothly, but not quite meeting his eyes. "I don't know what you mean."

He shook his head. "Ignore me. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Why not?" I asked, trying to steer the conversation into safer waters.

His cheeks turned a very faint pink and he muttered something about "quaffle", "quidditch" and "hospital wing".

"Right," I said, not believing a word of what he was saying. _What is he up to? _Then I thought of something else. "Where's Remus today?"

He turned an even darker shade of pink. "Um… hospital wing."

"Oh. What happened to him?"

"He… er… he fell off his broomstick."

"Right, yeah. So this was during the same quaffle incident you telling me about before?"

"Uh… yeah. Yeah, that's the one."

"Of course."

He looked nettled. "Rain… I can't… it's not my… shall I get the ingredients?" he finished lamely.

I nodded, sighing, squinting at the board. Slughorn had already written the instructions; we had done the theory last lesson. I pulled my textbook out of my bag, slowly turning the pages until I reached chapter fourteen - the Draught of Peace. I tried to read the passage, but nothing made sense until I had reread it ten times.

What was Sirius up to? I was filled with dread… was he cheating on me? But then I remembered Remus was involved. I breathed a sigh of relief. What was it, then?

"Got everything," Sirius told me cheerfully. His tone sounded at little faze.

"Good boy," I replied complacently. Then, I added thoughtfully, "Shall I go and see Remus at the end of the lesson?" I watched him over the rim of cauldron, checking for his reaction.

"No," he said quickly. "No, you don't have to."

"I would like to, though," I persisted, trying to gauge his reaction. "I'm sure Ruby will want to see him too."

"She's already seen him," he said a little shortly. I couldn't work out if he was annoyed at me, for asking questions, or if he didn't approve of Ruby visiting Remus. Probably both, I decided.

"You say that like you're not happy she's seen him," I commented lightly, as I cut the gurdyroot into small pieces. I glanced at him, hoping for an answer.

"It doesn't matter to me one way or another," he answered with an air of finality.

I took a deep breath. "You know I don't believe you," I said softly.

He didn't reply for a while. Despairingly, I chastised myself for going too far. _You idiot, _I told myself. _You stupid, pathetic idiot. _Forcing the lump back down my throat, I continued to cut the gurdyroot into smaller pieces.

"There's some things, Rain," he began, shocking me into silence. "Some things that… have to be told by the person themselves. Not by _others. _Do you know what I mean?"

It took me a while to process what he had said. "Basically, you're telling me that it's Remus' secret to tell?"

"I… I can't tell you."

"I see."

He turned to me, saying somewhat urgently, "Rain, don't go looking for things that don't… need to concern you. Everyone has things they don't want other people to know about. I'm sure I do, you probably do - "

I froze. _Did he know? _

"Rain?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, slowly.

He looked confused. "Well… just that there's a reason I can't tell you… so don't try to find out on your own. That's all. What did you think I meant?"

_He doesn't know. Pass it off as nothing. _"Nothing. I just felt like you were accusing me…"

"No!" he protested. "I wasn't!"

"Okay. That's okay, then" I told him quickly, desperate for him to leave the subject alone.

There was a pause. A very awkward silence. As usual, he was the first to break it.

"So. What are you getting me for Christmas?" he asked with his characteristic enthusiasm.

I smiled, grateful for the subject change. "Who says I'm getting you anything?"

He gasped melodramatically; I giggled and gave him the stirrer.

"_If _I get you something," I continued, sticking my tongue out at him. "You'll find out on Christmas Day, won't you?"

"I bet Evans will know before I do," he sulked.

"Yeah, but she - _what the hell are you doing?"_

"Stirring the potion. Why?"

"You're doing it wrong! It's supposed to be counter-clockwise, not clockwise! We've ruined it!" _You've ruined, you failure! Don't blame it on him! _

"Rain, it's supposed to be clockwise. It says so on the board."

"No! The book says counter-clockwise! Look!"

"Oh."

"And we're finishing in a minute! I've ruined it!"

"Rain… it's fine. Look, if we stir it the other way for a minute it'll be okay."

"No, it won't."

"Don't worry, it's fine. See?"

The potion was returning to its proper colour. I exhaled slowly. "Sorry," I murmured.

He was looking at me, concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," I said brightly. "I'm fine. I just… haven't had a lot of sleep lately either."

He nodded, still looking at me suspiciously.

"Really," I tried to assure him. "I just want to get a good grade."

He looked a little more convinced at that. "Well I think our potions looking good, thanks to my quick thinking," he joked. He said it as a joke, but I knew it was true. I'd have been useless on my own. I _was _useless. Utterly useless.

"Time's UP!"

Slughorn waffled around in his usual way, praising Lily and Severus to the heavens. He gave our potion an E; and seeing as I had messed up - yet again - that was good.

* * *

I didn't know what was making me do it, but somehow I found my feet traipsing their way to hospital wing as soon as the lesson was over. Sure enough, Remus was there, large as life, with cuts and grazes all over his face.

"Hey, Remus."

"Rain? What are you doing here?"

"I actually came to see you, believe it or not. Check you're okay. You are Ruby's boyfriend… and she really likes you."

"Really?" he asked in a small voice, blushing.

I nodded. "She's always talking about you. It gets on Lily's nerves."

He smiled embarrassedly: it obvious he was pleased. "I could say the same about you and Sirius."

"What do you mean?"

"Ever since he was paired up for Potions with you, he's been going on about how interesting and spiritual you are. And then when you went Hogsmeade, it got worse."

I could feel myself turning red, but I couldn't help wanting to know more. "'It got worse'?"

He nodded. "We started to hear how amazing you are in general. Then he started whining about how he didn't know if you would say yes if was to ask you out properly. It did get a little tiring after a while."

Although I couldn't help smiling, I decided to push what Remus had told out of my mind until I was in bed. I could smile myself silly about it then.

"So… how come you're in here?" I asked casually.

He looked a little flustered. "I… James, Sirius, Peter and I were practising quidditch last night."

"You should have been studying," I chided jokingly.

He smiled faintly.

"What happened then?"

"Sorry?"

"In the quidditch, I mean," I explained. "You were practising… and then what?"

"Oh, Peter hit me with a bludger," he mumbled.

_Sirius was lying then. It sounds like they're both lying. _"Peter? Wow. He doesn't look… though I suppose you can't judge a book by its cover."

"Yes," Remus agreed. "Yes, that's true."

"Are you okay now, then? Your face looks painful; is there anything else he hit?"

"My… my shoulder is a bit painful… but Madam Pomfrey says it will be fine in a couple of days."

"That's good. It's bad when there's loads to catch up on."

"Yeah. Yeah… that's true."

The conversation lulled into silence; I decided to go. "I'd better go, Remus. See you soon."

"I… yeah. Bye, Rain. Thanks for coming."

"You're welcome," I smiled and turned to leave.

He called me back. "Rain?"

"Yeah?"

"Does… does Sirius know you're here?"

I paused before answering - what if he told Sirius I'd been to see him? "No. He said I should leave you alone, but I thought you might want some company."

"Oh, right. Well… see you, then."

"Bye, Remus"

* * *

"Rain! Rain, there you are! Are you coming to lunch?"

_Crap, crap, crap. _"Actually, Ruby, I…"

"Good - I'm going too. I'm starving. Oh my God, I went to see Remus this morning! He is _so _sweet… and brave… I can't wait until he's out of hospital wing!"

I smiled in response, as she continued to tell me about Remus.

What was I going to _do? _I couldn't eat. Not to today: I had had lunch yesterday. What could I do? I couldn't leave now; Ruby would suspect something - she knew I hadn't eaten. _God, please help me._

"You've just missed Sirius, Rain," was Lily's greeting.

I smiled slightly, too preoccupied to do anything else. _How can I hide food when there are a hundred people in this room?_

"Rain?"

"Oh… where has he gone?"

"To see Remus with James, I think."

I should have been worried. I knew that. But all I could think about was how to get out of this situation. "Oh," was all I could say.

"Do you want potatoes?"

"Um… no thanks, Lily. I'm not really very hungry."

She narrowed her eyes. "Are you on a diet?"

_Oh, God: she knows! _"Not really," I said, trying to sound blasé.

"What do you mean, 'not really'?"

"Well… a couple of pounds. Nothing major." _But I'm still fat._

"You don't need to lose weight, Rain." _You're wrong. I have to _-_ I need to._

"I'm not really trying to," I lied.

"Well, have some potatoes, then. Here," she said, dishing them onto my plate before I could refuse.

"Have you seen Remus, Lily? He's being _really _brave. He's so…" Ruby carried on talking while I pushed the food around on my plate. The smell of it made my insides writhe with disgust. I tried cutting it up into small pieces to make it look as though I had eaten it; then I realised Lily was watching me.

"You haven't eaten any of that, have you?"

My heart beat faster, as I lied. "Yes… but like I said, I'm not very hungry."

"Well, you have to eat some of it, Rain. You won't be able to concentrate in lessons if you don't."

I nodded and forced myself to pick up some of the peas with my fork. My stomach churned as the fork came nearer my mouth. And if chewing it was bad; swallowing it was even worse. It made me want to throw up. I literally could not bare to have that _poison _inside of me.

I carried on in that way - forkful after awful forkful - until I thought I could leave without anything seeming suspicious.

"I've just remembered, Lily: I need to go to the Owlery to send a letter to Mum. I'll see you in Charms."

She looked up and nodded. "See you later, Rain." Obviously all the _food_ I had just eaten had calmed her suspicions.

"Bye, Rain," called Ruby, and she promptly continued talking about Remus.

I didn't need to go the Owlery at all. Instead I made another trip to an empty girls bathroom on the second floor; running the water before I locked myself inside a cubicle.

My stomach felt beautifully empty again when I came out.

* * *

**This chapter has been incredibly hard to write and you'll probably all hate me for it, but I have always planned this to happen. Like I said before the last chapter, Rain really is developing serious issues (namely, anorexia). It's partly why I have placed so much emphasis on her low self-esteem and the fact that she's been bullied - Rain has always struck me as the type of person to 'get' anorexia/bulimia. And as my English teacher would say, Rain is an 'unreliable narrator', so I feel like I need to explain this chapter now you've read it.**

**1 - As Mrs. Rose Malfoy said, I never went into detail about what Lucy said to her. In case anyone else is wondering: basically, she said that no one was good enough for Sirius; Rain would be no different to anyone else; Maria had slept with him and he thought she was too fat, etc, etc. Things like that, that really made Rain think, 'Oh God, if Maria's not good enough, then I'm definitely not. I need to do something... lose weight!'. And yes, Lucy is a jealous, evil little cow. Not to worry, eh?**

**2 - Rain keeps saying she 'doesn't deserve Sirius'. You might want to know why she decided to go out with him if she's so convinced of that. All I can say is: Sirius is a bit of a blind spot as far as she's concerned. This might sound a bit cliched, but she really has 'never felt this way before'. She's never had real romantic feelings about anyone before Sirius (I'm including David in that) so she doesn't know how to deal with him. She's decided in this chapter she'll try to make herself 'good enough' for him (that's where the losing weight kicks in). Like I said in the summary: "And Sirius Black? Is he the cure or the disease?" - Sirius is the 'disease' at the moment.**

**3 – Maybe you're also thinking, 'why has she suddenly become anorexic now?' Well, she hasn't _suddenly_. Since Ch. 16, she's kind of had a progression into it. She was really happy after the Hogsmeade trip, then she had the conversation with Lucy, and it's like BAM, back to square one – depressive Rain all over again. **

**Rain also kind of has _Idolization Syndrome, _e.g. she looks up to Lily almost like she's a god; now she's seen that Sirius isn't such a jerk after all, she does the exact same thing with him. So basically, they're far better than she can ever be, etc. Then she's confused over exactly what she feels for Sirius, she's getting bad grades in Astronomy, she's wrecked her friendship with David, she can't talk to anyone, she's feeling alone... so she's turned on herself and attacked her weight, because she feels it's something she can actually control – and there's the anorexia.**

**4 – Finally (you're probably bored of me waffling on now), it did occur to me that Sirius was a little OOC when Rain was having a go at him in the last chapter and the flashback in this one, but in the words of JK herself: "Sirius's great redeeming quality is how much affection he is capable of feeling." Because of this, I think he would be more concerned about Rain's wellbeing than anything else, so once he realised being angry with her wasn't helping, he would have tried a different tactic. **

**Phew, I'm done. Hope you liked it, or liked to hate it, if you know what I mean. Please leave me a review to tell me what you thought! Love, Sapphira. **


	19. Luna's Lycanthropy

**My Reviewers:**** NaFlower05; Asplode; siriusloverlollipops; EllieBaby; krazykook; Earenya; StinkyRodent. I love you all! You're so awesome! Thank you for reading & reviewing! It really does help to keep writing - it's one of the main reasons you've got this chapter so quickly. A week, guys! A week, how good is that (I'll shut up in a minute). So... review! **

**Question Time:  
****krazykook: Rain is about 5'2"/5'3" ish. Somewhere around there. **

**Earenya: Hey again! Hee... I'm glad you read it. And yeah, my copy & paste thing is crazy. Like me! And I'm glad you like my chapter too. We're ALL crazy! Love ya. (Yes, I am hyper right now.)**

**Okay, so I hope you like this chapter too! More Sirius/Rain, at the beginning at least... and Snape! Read and tell me what you thought!**

**Sapphira.  
**

* * *

"Remus told me you went to see him yesterday."

I swallowed nervously. "I did."

"Why?" Sirius asked lowly. "I did said you didn't have to."

I shrugged, not looking him in the eye. "I thought he might want some company."

"Me and James went to see him after lunch. You could have come with us, if you were desperate to see him," he replied, obviously trying to hide his displeasure.

I recoiled. "I wasn't _desperate… _I was just trying to be _nice," _I defended myself weakly.

He seemed to relax a bit. "Oh. Well, next time just tell me first, okay? We could go together," he suggested.

I forced a smile, privately wondering why there would be a next time. "Yeah, that would be good… _next time."_

Sirius still looked slightly worried at that, but he took my hand and led me down to the shore of the Lake. It was frozen over an the edges; in the middles, there was a hole in the icy surface where the giant squid had pushed several of its tentacles through. Although the clouds were obscuring the low sun almost completely - but the little light there was, was reflected off the ice in all directions.

"It's so beautiful," I breathed, trying to ignore the harsh hunger pangs in my stomach.

Sirius was watching me and smiling wryly. "It's nice to be able to appreciate the finer things in life, isn't it?"

I turned to him accusingly. "Don't _you _think it's beautiful?"

He shrugged indifferently. "I'd rather look at you," he said, eyes dancing.

I blanched. _Why? _I thought. _Why would anyone want to look at _me_ over that? _I leant my head against his chest, hiding my face from his view. "I have to go and see Skye soon," I told him, changing the subject.

"Skye Matthews? Seriously?" he asked disbelievingly.

I smiled thinly, looking up at him. "Siriusly."

"Ha," he fake laughed, rolling his eyes fondly at me.

"_Seriously," _I continued, still smiling. "We've got an Astronomy diary to do, so we're working together in the library."

"So you're not hanging out with me?" he questioned in a mock hurt voice.

"No. It would seem that my lunar project is too important."

"More important than me?" he gasped. "That's hard to imagine.

I giggled, rolling my eyes at the same time. "Even more important than you, Sirius," I affirmed, smiling as I kissed him.

As he reciprocated I could feel his tongue tracing my lip - suddenly nothing else seemed so important; not Astronomy, nothing. I just wanted him. I wanted _more _of him. And then unbidden to mind, came images that I had never even thought of before; images that I could never describe out loud. Without thinking, I moved my hand down slowly to his hip, and accidentally on purpose - he never would tuck his shirt in - grazed the exposed skin from there to his stomach with the tips of my fingers. He made an odd noise at the back of his throat, sending tiny thrills of excitement down my spine. Then I felt his own hand leaving the back of my waist and moving across to my side.

_No! _I panicked. _Please, no! I'm still too fat _-and it was so easy to feel on my hips. What if he saw the weight I still needed to lose? Would he dump me? I _couldn't _let that happen.

"I do have to go now," I told him, my voice ever so slightly higher than normal.

He didn't seem to notice; he just looked a little disappointed. "I'll see you later then?" he asked, kissing me again lingeringly.

"Later," I answered with a quiet sigh of relief, as he let go of me. I turned to walk back up to the castle, pulling my robes back around me.

"Maybe I'll join you," he called after me.

I shook my head, smiling, and continued up the path from the lake.

* * *

Skye wasn't there when I arrived at the library - it was so warm in comparison outside - so I put my bag down on an empty table and went find some books. Most of them I had read before; notes I had written for previous homework were still wedged inside some. None of them were from the restricted section - even though I was now in sixth year, I still hadn't plucked up the courage to go and investigate. It was mainly Slytherins who used the books in there: I could actually see Severus Snape in there now.

Severus had always been an odd boy from his first day at Hogwarts. He was the smart, greasy, ugly kid that no one wanted anything to do with. James and Sirius, in particular, made a special effort to make his life a miserable as possible - but until last year, Lily had told me he was ' very nice underneath'. Now, though, she was barely on speaking terms with him. And so in a way, I felt extremely sorry for Severus. The only real friend he had ever had, he had lost.

"Rain?"

Expecting the person to be Skye, I smiled and turned to face them. "I've already started to - _David?"_

He shifted uncomfortably. "Hi."

"Oh… um, hi." I said just as awkwardly. "I… what are you here for?"

He shrugged. "Skye said I could work with you two. If that's okay with you," he tacked on, looking straight past my eyes.

I immediately felt immensely guilty. I had been really nasty to him after he told me he was asking Skye to Hogsmeade. How could I not let him work with us now? "That's fine," I assured him cordially.

"Really?" he asked, looking surprised.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"

He shrugged again, muttering something unintelligible about "intrude", "friend" and "Black".

I perceived the drift of his answer - Sirius - and I didn't want to have that conversation with him. I decided to change the subject.

"Have you started the project yet?"

"Not yet," he answered, looking slightly more at ease.

I nodded. "Neither have we. The deadline's not in until the end of term, though, so we've got plenty of time to do it."

"Yeah," he agreed.

We lapsed into silence. And as it always did when I had nothing to preoccupy me, my mind jumped to thoughts about food.

I always made sure someone saw me eating at least once a day, so no one (Lily in particular) didn't ask questions. I just hoped nobody would notice how frequently I disappeared after eating, but with all the added pressure of our NEWTs, I thought that that was unlikely. It was also really handy having a friend in Slytherin. No Gryffindor would converse with a Slytherin it was absolutely necessary or they were trading insults - Lily wouldn't check up on my 'Skye excuses'.

"Do you want to start? We might as well…" he trailed off.

"Uh… yeah," I said, forcing myself back into the present moment. "I've already got some books… maybe we could look through these to start with?"

He nodded. "Okay. Good idea."

"Right." I smiled, and pulled one of the books towards me, trying to dispel some of the awkwardness. I stared at the same page for a while and scribbled some useless notes down, until I realised he was reading his book upside down.

I pursed my lips together, trying not to laugh. "Found anything interesting?"

He jumped and blushed. "Um… no, not yet."

"Maybe you should turn the book around? I'm no expert, but I'd say it was easier to study when you're reading it the right way."

He smiled embarrassedly. "Damn. You caught me."

I grinned back.

"So… how are things with you and… _Black."_

I beamed, then stopped myself. "Really good, actually."

I _think _I saw him clench his teeth. "That's good. Same with Skye. We've been getting quite close."

I nodded. "She talks about you quite a lot. I thought there might be something going on." And that was quite true. Skye _was _talking to me about David a lot. And constantly asking my opinion of it.

"_You don't _mind _me talking to David, do you?" she had asked me._

"_Me? Why would I mind?" _

"_Well… you know," she finished somewhat uneasily._

"_Well, I don't know so…"_

"_You're with Black now, Rain _-_ I get that, but it doesn't meant that you're happy about _-_ "_

_I sighed impatiently, rolling my eyes. "Skye, seriously, we've had this conversation about sixty times in the last week: no, it doesn't bother me; yes, I am happy for you both; yes, you're so good together. Okay?"_

"_If you're sure…"_

"_Yes, Skye. If you like him, go for it. Sorted?"_

"_I suppose so."_

"So, are you going to ask her out?" I asked, coming out of my silent reverie.

"Probably. Do you think I should?" He looked very concerned about my reaction. What was it with these two?

I shrugged. "If you like her. She likes you. _I'd_ ask her if I was you."

"Right," he said dully. For some reason, he seemed disappointed.

"Speak of the devil," I murmured, suddenly feeling a little light-headed as my stomach twisted and churned inside of me. "Hey, Skye."

"Hi, Rain. David." She smiled at him.

He looked uncomfortable again. "Skye, I'm really tired. I think I'd rather go and get some sleep. Is that alright with you two?" he asked, not looking at me. I guessed my opinion didn't really matter now Skye was here.

I just smiled and nodded; Skye looked gave him a look that felt like I wasn't supposed to see. "It's fine, David," she said _sympathetically? _"We'll start on our own."

"Okay. Thanks," he added before he walked off.

"He didn't sound very happy," Skye remarked. "What have you done to him?"

I looked at her weirdly. "Sorry?" What was she talking about?

She bit her lip, then shook her head, saying with a smile, "Never mind."

I shrugged. "You know he's planning to asking you out, don't you?"

She blanched. "I don't think so."

"He just told me, Skye."

"Great friend you are then," she said uncomfortably. "Telling me all his inner secrets."

"Well, I think it's about time you two got together. You're always talking about him; he obviously likes you too."

"Right."

A pause.

"So how are things in paradise?" she continued.

I looked at her blankly. "What?"

"You and Black," she explained. "How is he?"

"Sirius is great," I said a little shortly, leafing through _Luna's Lycanthropy_. "And that's exactly what I told David."

"_Okay. _Sorry for asking," she asserted, holding her hands up.

I closed the book. "Sorry," I apologised. "It's just that you both seemed to be obsessed with Sirius, and _I'm_ the one who's going out with him."

A crease appeared between her eyebrows. "I know. I just don't think he's is good for you, Rain. You're both so different and I don't… I don't like him. You'd be much better off with - "

"Skye?"

"What?"

"When was the last full moon?"

"Two days ago, wasn't it? Why?"

"Because we do actually have to start this Astronomy project, you know."

She sighed in acquiescence. "Fine. Have it your way."

I smiled. "Great. I thought we could start with the effect of the different phases of the moon…"

Two hours later and we were still working. It was half ten: the library would be closing soon. Skye had left the Sirius subject alone, and I was grateful. I knew I wasn't good enough for Sirius - she must know that too - but I didn't want to be constantly reminded of it. It was like having a pin stuck in your hand, and having it twisted by someone else.

"I guess we'd better finish up," I said eventually.

"Probably," she murmured, looking up at the clock. "Wow, I didn't realise it was that late."

"No, me neither. Time flies when you're doing Astronomy, huh?"

She grinned. "Or when you're having fun, in your case."

I laughed. "Astronomy is great."

"Mm," she agreed and then jumped slightly. "Oh, I just remembered something I was going to ask you."

"What?"

"Why wasn't Remus in Astronomy today? He normally sits in front of us, doesn't he?"

I put my bag back down: finally, I could tell someone about my suspicions. "It's quite a long story actually. Well, it's not - but I think there's more to it than meets the eye."

"And?"

I took a breath. "I asked Sirius yesterday where he was in Potions and he kind of like just told me that he got hit with a quaffle when they were playing quidditch but he looked really shifty and basically told me not to get involved, so I thought, 'Hmm, maybe I'll go and see Remus and ask him', so I did and he told me that he feel off his broom, so obviously one of them is lying, and I think that both of them are and it's like some kind of secret or something weird that no one is allowed to know about. What do you reckon?"

She looked at me blankly. "I didn't catch a word of that," she told me, aghast.

I sighed. "Okay. Sirius told me he got hit with a quaffle yesterday. He looked a bit shifty and told me that he didn't want me involved. I went to see Remus and ask him what happened. Remus told me he fell off his broom. So, what I'm saying is: something's not right. Did you get that?"

"Yeah. I got that one."

"So that do you think?"

"I agree with you," she admitted. "There's something weird about that. One of them has to be lying."

"I think both of them are," I stated boldly.

She nodded, thinking. "Yeah, you're probably right. It sounds like a badly constructed cover story." Skye could always put things in the right words.

"That's exactly what I meant!" I said excitedly, glad she didn't think I was crazy. "Because he's always ill every so often, have you noticed? Or visiting his sick grandmother."

"Yeah. I mean, you'd have thought she'd have died by now, wouldn't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Very funny, Skye. I'm being serious, here."

"Sorry. You are right though; it does seem like there's something going on."

"It does, doesn't it? It's like every month, he disappears somewhere."

"Mm. Every month. Like a really bad period."

It was obvious she was joking, but it made me think. "So he was ill two days ago…" Then the cover of _Luna's Lycanthropy _caught my eye.

Skye saw me looking at it. "That'll be it, Rain. He's a werewolf. Problem solved."

I turned to her. "I'm being stupid, aren't I?"

"No," said a voice behind me. "Actually, Sullivan, you're being uncharacteristically clever."

* * *

"This is just ridiculous, Severus," said Skye as we walked past the Great Hall. "There is no way in hell Remus is a werewolf."

"Matthews, stop disgracing our house and listen to me. There is something odd about Lupin; everyone knows that. He disappears every month at the full moon and always come back covered in scratches. It's so _obvious!"_

I have to admit: he was convincing me. Everything just seemed to _fit _with his theory. "He has a point, Skye," I said to her.

"One of the more intelligent statements of your life," he drawled at me. I ignored him, and looked at Skye.

She still seemed unsure. "Well…"

Severus rolled his eyes and turned to me, slowly. "Evans is your best friend, isn't she?"

"Yes." I didn't know how, but somehow he just looked like a normal, caring boy, instead of the sarcastic kid of a minute ago.

"Has she… um… does she ever…"

"Rain?"

I turned instinctively to the call of my name.

"Sirius."

He didn't look back at me. He was glaring at Severus with an unveiled hatred. "Why are you talking to my girlfriend, _Snivellus?" _he spat. "Shouldn't you be greasing your hair, ready for tomorrow?"

Severus glowered back at him, reaching inside his pocket to draw his wand.

Sirius was much too quick. Before I could stop him - before I could even speak - sardines were pouring our of Severus' nose. Skye rushed to his side, stepping back quickly when a particularly large one fell from his left nostril.

"Let's go, Rain," Sirius said darkly.

I gasped. "Sirius! You can't leave him like that!"

"Rain, just come with me."

I didn't say anything else; just stared at him and refused to move. Then, struck with a sudden pang of hunger, I was about to give up and follow him, when he sighed and removed the hex. Severus immediately went for his wand, but Sirius disarmed him first.

"Watch it, Snivelly," he warned. "Next time they'll be falling out of your arse as well."

He pulled me away from them; I turned to say goodbye to Skye, but she wouldn't look at me. Sadly, I followed Sirius, not saying anything until we reached the common room.

"What was he saying to you?" Sirius asked eventually. I could still hear the anger in his voice.

"He wasn't… he was talking to Skye…" I said pathetically.

"I saw him, Rain," he told me, irritated. "He was talking to you, not Matthews. What was he talking about?"

"Nothing much… really. He was just asking me about… Lily."

"_Lily? _Why would he want to know about _Lily?" _

"Well, they were friends… a while ago. He was just asking, Sirius. That's all."

He didn't look convinced. And he didn't look any less angry. "I hate him," he said finally.

I didn't answer.

"Goodnight then." He kissed me briefly and marched up to the boys dormitories without looking back. Part of me wanted to run after him; the same part that felt disgust whenever I threw up my dinner. But it was a very small part, and not worth listening to. I wouldn't humiliate myself by following him into the boys dorms. I wasn't even worth any time he wanted to waste with me.

I wouldn't force my company on him.

I made my way slowly to my own dormitory, hoping, however irrationally that Sirius would reappear - he didn't.

Both Lily and Ruby had already drawn their curtains on their four poster bed around them. Ruby had written me a note - she had left it on my bed.

_Way too tired to wait for you. Sorry. And don't wake me up when you read this. I'll kill you tomorrow if you do._

_Ruby X_

I smiled in spite of myself and quietly uncovered the scales from under my bed. I locked the door behind me when I had crept into the bathroom. I measured myself carefully - an experience that once again gave a feeling of pride at what I had achieved.

Then began again my nightly regime of sit-ups, press-ups and every other exhaustion inducing activity I could think of.


	20. Necessary Evil

**To all my reviewers: krazykook; siriusloverlollipops; Earenya; EllieBaby; Naflower09. Thank you so, so, so much for reviewing! It really helped me to get writing (as you can see). I love you all, and please review again!**

**Earenya: I am superdooper, aren't I? *is very** **proud of herself* Thank you for all your nice comments. Heee... nice happy feeling. Okay. I'm apologising in advance for this chapter. Sorry...**

**So I'm a bit nervous about updating this chapter. I have a feeling you're all going to hate me. And Rain - but I think she's understandable. And I warned you David would crop up again. man, I hate that boy sometimes. Okay, I'll stop sounding crazy now. I hope you like this (I have foregone some sleep to get this up)! Please review to tell me what you thought! ... It does get me writing faster... *wink wink***

* * *

"_Rain, is that all you're eating?" _Lily asked.

I was so sick of hearing that question. Time and time again. Always, "Don't do want some more potatoes, Rain?" or "Are you okay, Rain?" Yes, that was all I wanted. No, I didn't want any more potatoes. Yes, I'm fine.

In answer to Lily's question, I froze, then gave a tensed shrug. "I don't really feel very well."

Lily frowned and narrowed her eyes; I felt like I was being scrutinized by a security guard. After a minute, she unknit her eyebrows and looked at me sympathetically. "You do look a bit ill, actually. Maybe you should go and see Madam Pomfrey?"

I shook my head slowly. No, I _definitely _did not want to go and see Madam Pomfrey. I didn't want anyone apart from me interfering with my body. No one else: I was the one in control. "I'll be fine," I told her, praying she'd leave me alone.

"Well... you ought to eat something then," she said. "It might make you feel better."

"With the way I'm feeling at the moment, I'll probably throw it up," I replied. I almost laughed at that. Oh, the irony.

She nodded. "Okay. But if you do feel any worse, go to the Hospital Wing, right?"

I smiled faintly back at her. "Okay."

"See you later, then."

"Yeah."

I watched her leave, feeling so jealous. She was _so _pretty – so beautifully thin. Why couldn't I be like that? Why couldn't I be beautiful and graceful, like her? _You can, _a voice in my head told me. _You can, and you know what to do. Bathroom, now._ And without question, I followed the direction. I had learnt over the last month that that voice was the only thing keeping me sane. Without it, I was nothing; I was back to being fat and ugly.

As I turned to leave for the bathroom, someone stopped me. Someone much taller than me with black hair and grey eyes.

"Rain, wait. Where are you going?" _Crap._

"I... um... common room. To... find that Astronomy thing... the project I told you about yesterday."

"Right," Sirius replied, looking slightly confused. "Well, I'll come with you then."

"No! I mean, no, you don't have to."

He shrugged. "I want to. I wanted to apologise for last night. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Sirius. There's nothing to forgive."

He smiled, and took my hand as we walked up to the Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

There is such a thing as necessary evil. Sometimes, to stop a murderer from murdering, you have to murder yourself. Sometimes, to stop a war, you have to start a war. And sometimes, to deserve somebody, you have to lie to them.

That was my justification, I told myself as I cried alone, bent over the toilet seat. Sirius was waiting for me in the common room, waiting for me to "get my Astronomy homework" from my dormitory. Some part of me felt incredibly disgusted with myself – Sirius was waiting for me to make myself sick and then pretend it never happened – wasn't there something wrong with that?

_Necessary Evil, _I reminded myself. _It's just necessary evil. _

The smell of the vomit and sight of myself in the mirror when I had finished just made me want to repeat the process. With the fingers of my right hand covered in bile and saliva, I used my left to turn the tap on, washing my hands, and rinsing my mouth out. I grabbed my wand and whispered _'scourgify' _. The simple spell immediately made me feel slightly better: I was clean, and the grey tinge to my cheeks had gone. And so, moving as quickly as I could, I left the bathroom, for the common room.

"Rain, are you okay?" Sirius asked me as soon I was down the stairs.

"Yeah," I lied. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you don't look very well. And you just... I don't know. It feels like... like there's something you're not telling me. You're always dashing off somewhere... is something wrong?" He cocked his head to the side, silently asking me for honesty.

Unfortunately, honesty was one thing I couldn't give him.

"I'm fine. Honestly. I'm just tired, that's all."

He sighed. "Okay. I guess I'm the wrong person to ask," he murmured, so quietly I almost didn't hear what he was saying.

"Sirius, I'm _great," _I tried to assure him. "You're just being oversensitive, which is sweet, but a bit misguided."

He smiled slightly at my attempt at a joke, but it was obvious his heart wasn't in it. "I don't think you'll find oversensitivity on my list of flaws."

I sighed, frustrated. "Honestly, Sirius. I am _fine_. Never been better."

* * *

"Skye?" I called, suddenly spotting her and Severus standing in the Entrance Hall. "Skye, wait!"

I saw her look over her shoulder at me and stop; I hurried to catch her up. "Hey, Skye. Hi," I nodded at Severus.

He ignored me, and stared straight past my head.

"Are you actually allowed to speak to us, Rain?" Skye asked.

I bit my lip. "Skye, don't be like that."

She looked at me. "I wasn't being nasty, Rain. I meant it."

I sighed. "Look, I know he can be a bit... _harsh_ sometimes, but – "

"He's a bully. And you're too good for him." _Wrong way round, Skye. Wrong way round._

I grimaced. "Skye..." I broke off as I saw David approaching, now perfectly in earshot of what she was saying.

"That's my honest opinion," she told me, shrugging. "Not that I expect you to listen to a thing _I _say, because I'm not Lily Evans. Because what Lily Evans says is holy law, and can never be refuted."

"Excuse me?"

"You are a great person, Rain, but you are so incredibly _naive._ How long is it going to take you to realise that Lily Evans and Sirius Black aren't as wonderful as you think they are?"

"I don't think either of them are wonder– "

"Yes, you do! It used to be just Lily, but now it's Black as well. Can you not see he's just some cheating, obnoxious bastard?"

"_You _were the one who told me to go to Hogsmeade with him!"

"I never said that! I meant go as a group with Remus and James, not set yourself up on a date with him! And you haven't been the same since you've started going out with him. You've turned into this quiet zombie, who does everything Black says."

"I'm just not having this conversation. This is so – "

"So what? So true? I think it's about time you heard this, Rain. He bullies everybody who can't stand up for themselves, and you think he's some kind of god? What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing! Why are you saying all of this – "

"Because you need to know! I might not be _the _Lily Evans, but I can still tell you what I think. And I think you need to dump Black, stop treating him like an idol and get a fucking life!"

I just stared at her. One half of me wanted to collapse and cry; the other wanted to scream and shout and defend everything I had been doing over the last month. She knew _nothing. _Nothing about how much I had struggled with my weight – with everything – for Sirius; and he _was_ worth it. He was worth every second of it. Skye was wrong. She had to be: I would let her faze me now. Not when I'd come so far.

She saw what my decision in my face: she closed her eyes, murmuring "God help me". When she opened them again, she sighed, saying in a lifeless voice, "Don't say I didn't try, David."

He didn't reply; I felt his eyes on me, gazing, unmoving.

She threw her hands up in the air, giving up. She left without another word.

Severus left with her, sneering at me he passed. "Pathetic," he jeered, as he walked past me.

The only person who stayed with me was David. He didn't speak to me for a while, until he suggested that we go somewhere quieter, without so many people. I silently agreed and followed him until we were standing in a more private corner of the library. He waited for me to speak.

"I've screwed everything up, David," I mumbled eventually.

He still didn't say anything.

"She's one of the best friends I have. And I've screwed her over.

"I should never have gone out with Sirius," I whispered softly, feeling the truth of the words as I spoke them. "She's right."

_I don't deserve _him. _That's what she _was _wrong about._

"Rain, I..." David sighed, not completing his sentence.

"I've really made a long list of major cock-ups this term, David. I'm failing Astronomy, I'm going out with a guy who is way too... I'm going out with Sirius Black, I've just lost my best-friend... what's next, huh?"

"You haven't lost her, Rain," he said, evidently trying to console me.

I didn't want consoling. I didn't deserve consolation. "I have," I affirmed. "And you know what else I've done?"

"What?"

"I've been a bitch to you as well."

His face was full of emotion. "No, you –"

"Yes, I have," I interrupted. "I've been a real bitch, and I don't even know why, which makes me the mother of all bitches, doesn't it? I didn't even have a reason to be nasty to you, but I still did it. I am a complete and utter waste of bloody space."

"No, you're not," he told me fervently, pressing my hand. "You're kind, and funny, and beautiful, and everything that anyone would want in a girl."

I was speechless; I didn't know what to do: and knowing that, he leaned closer and closer to me, his lips almost touching mine. And then they did. It was a sweet kiss – not like the kiss I had shared with him before. This was different. It was gentle and tender and kind. His lips were soft, different from Sirius'...

"David, I –"

"Rain: don't. Please, I know you're with _him, _but don't –"

"What about Skye, David? She likes you; she's told me and you like her – we can't just go around... you know. It's not right. And..."

"Is that all that's stopping you? Rain, I never liked Skye _that _way. She doesn't like me in that way, either. I never wanted to ask her out, and she knew that."

"What? But then, why did you – "

"Because... because..." he bit his lip, trying to work out what to say. "Because I wanted you to like me. I thought... I thought I could make you jealous. I hoped that you would realise that you liked me as much as I like you. There, I've said it."

His earnest gaze was enough to break my heart. "Oh, David..." was all I could say. I put my arms around him, pulling him close to me. "I'm with Sirius, you know that."

"You were just saying how you should never have gone out with him a minute ago," came his muffled voice.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean that I don't..."

"What the HELL are you doing?" _Oh, no. Please, no. "_That's my best mate's girlfriend you're touching, arsehole!"

_James. No, no, no._

"James, please," I began.

"Shut up, you slut!"

"Don't talk to her like that," David snarled, standing up and marching towards him.

James snapped. He punched him, square in the face.

He turned to me. "How could you? How could you do that to him? Do you have any idea of how much he cares about you?"

"James, wait!"

"OUT OF THIS LIBRARY NOW!"

Madam Pince came scurrying over, pushing James and I towards the door. I hung back, trying to find David amongst the sea of staring faces. A group of fourth years were giggling, whispering to each other.

What had I done?

"If you go back in there after him, I swear, I will never forgive you," James spat at me, as soon as we were alone outside the library door. "And I will make sure Sirius never does either."

"James, it honestly isn't..."

"Not what it seems?" He laughed coldly. "I saw you _kissing _him. Explain yourself out of that. Go on, you two-faced, lying, bitch."

"I really care about Sirius, James – "

"And that's why you were kissing _him, _was it? You know what? Sirius was up last night, talking to me about you. He was so worried, so convinced something was wrong with you. This is what was wrong with you, isn't it? You were cheating on my best friend with that bastard!"

"No, James! You don't understand!"

"I don't want to understand. You make me sick."

We were outside of the portrait door now. The tears were flowing freely down my face.

"Password?" the Fat Lady asked in her usual lofty voice.

"Arcanum vestri," James replied, shaking in anger.

The Fat Lady swung open and I climbed through, murmuring, "Sorry" as a second year bumped into me.

"Rain?"

_Oh, no. _

"Sirius, go to the dorm now," James said in a harsh voice from beside me.

"Mate, what the hell is going on?"

"I'm not joking, Sirius, just go to the damn dorm."

Sirius looked puzzled. "Alright! What's wrong, Rain?" he asked softly, turning to me.

"You'll find out soon enough," was James' dark comment. "Just go to the dorm. This isn't a display you want to see in front of the whole of Gryffindor."

Sirius followed James up the staircase without another word.

"I'm sorry," I told him through my tears, as he walked beside me. "I'm so sorry. So, so sorry."

"Rain, what – "

We had obviously reached the dorm; James pushed me through the door and onto one of the beds.

"Prongs, watch what you're doing! You're going to hurt her!"

"Good," he hissed back. "Go on, then," he ordered me. "Tell him about your dirty, little secret."

Sirius looked back and forth between me and James. "Rain? What's going on?"

"I... made a big mistake, Sirius," I whispered.

He sat down next to me, looking at me. "What? What did you do?"

"I... had a massive argument with Skye... about you... and..."

"Just get to the point," James snarled.

"She... she didn't want to talk to me anymore. She left and I... David stayed with me and..."

"And she was all over him," James interrupted.

Sirius stood up, turning away from me.

"I wasn't, Sirius," I protested weakly. "We kissed... but it didn't... go any further. I swear. I pulled away..."

"Who initiated it?" he asked sharply, coldly.

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it does," he answered shortly.

"He... he did, but I... I reciprocated. For a while."

Sirius looked at James. "Is that true?"

James gave a strange nod.

Sirius gazed out of the window again. "Just go, please," he said, finally looking at me. "Just get out."

A pause. Then I did as he said.

"You're dumping me, aren't you?" I asked bitterly when I reached the door, turning my tearstained face towards him.

_So he's finally worked out what a useless human being I am._


	21. Freedom for the Taking

**To my reviewers: Earenya; krazykook; Innocent Magic; Naflower05; EllieBaby. Thank you so much for reviewing! It really means a lot to me, and helps me to get off my arse and actually write. I'm glad you all liked the drama in the last chapter and that you think I'm doing a good job with the anorexia - I was a bit nervous about that chapter. I didn't think you'd like it that much. Having saud that, I'm even more nervous about this one because it's pretty big, angst and drama-ish. So, please review again! I really appreciate all of them.**

**Earenya: Hee, I'm all for reality myself. And bad endings. Gotta love them. And the whole necessary evil thing: basically, Rain was feeling slightly guilty for what she was doing, but reminded herself that sometimes, things [making herself sick] have to be done even if you feel that it's wrong. (her take on things, not mine.) But I'm glad you like Rain; she really is very messed up at the moment. Thank you!**

**So, this chapter was pretty big to write, and was probably more challenging than much of what I've written before. I'm amazed I managed to get this up in a week (and I only started writing this yesterday! :D ). I hope you like it and you're not too angry with me. Also, I have a question for you all at the end of this, so please read it and answer it through a review. **

**WARNING - Although I personally believe that the content of this chapter is within the T rating bracket (which is what this story is), I think I ought to warn you that there are some dark themes in this. If graphic descriptions of self-induced vomiting, suicidal thoughts and suicide itself really upset you, give this chapter a miss. **

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_SILVER BALL - 25th__ DECEMBER_

_All students must notify their heads of houses if they intend to remain at Hogwarts during the Christmas holiday before the end of term. The ball is optional; students are not required to attend. Students will assemble in the Entrance Hall before the ball begins at seven o'clock on Christmas Day in the Great Hall. Formal dress robes are to be worn and appropriate behaviour is expected at all times. The ball with finish at midnight._

"Bet you're gonna stay for Christmas now, aren't you, Lily?" smirked Ruby smugly, as she reread the notice in the common room for the tenth time.

"Shut up, Ruby."

"What about you, Rain?" she turned to me. "You're staying, right?"

"Why would I?" I asked hopelessly. "I don't have anyone to stay for."

Lily sighed. "Yes, you do, Rain," she tried to reassure me.

"For us!" interjected Ruby.

Lily rolled her eyes and continued. "You and Sirius can sort things out and - "

"No," I managed through the lump in my throat. "He doesn't want anything to do with me, Lily. We're finished."

"Rain, whatever Sirius likes to say, he still cares for you. I'll bet he's just as upset about this as you are. In fact, I _know _he is."

I tried to speak; my voice sounded a little strangled even on the first syllable. I just wanted to go to bed, to curl up under the sheets and never see the world again. I had had enough. All the fighting was too much for me now. I was _tired. _Too tired to carry on.

And yet, still that voice inside my head told me keep going. Still, that voice told me _just a few more pounds to go. _Still, I battled on, feeling weaker and weaker, yet stronger and stronger every day. It wasn't just the few pounds anymore - the fact that I was very definitely too fat. But I had lost a lot of weight - I knew that. It still wasn't enough. It would never be enough until I was thin enough to walk on water. That day, I could finally be happy.

"You should go, Rain," Lily was saying. "I am."

"Hallelujah!" exclaimed Ruby.

Of _course, _Lily would go. She would look beautiful in her dress, as she always did - the belle of the ball. I would be standing by her side - the fat, ugly sister.

"I don't want to go," I murmured.

"Look, we'll pick out your dress at the weekend, okay? You don't need to worry about money and that."

"Ruby, please - "

"Oh, get real, Rain. The whole year will be going. You can't _not _go."

I said nothing.

"I think you should go in white, actually, Rain. I'll go in a warm colour, I think, maybe some kind of pink…"

"You are not going in pink!" Lily interrupted, suddenly. "You _know _pink clashes with my hair."

"Yeah, but it doesn't with mine, and I'm the one who'll be wearing the dress."

"But you'll keep coming over to talk to me, won't you? _So, _you can't wear pink."

I sighed; Lily and Ruby both turned to look at me. "What?" they asked in unison.

"I was just going to say that it doesn't matter what colour dress you both wear - _I'm _not going to be there," I told them dully.

"_Yes, you are."_

"Lily, please don't make me - "

She sighed. "Rain… sometimes you have to do things you don't want to get something you _do _want. And I'm sure, if you go to the Silver Ball, you'll be back with Sirius by the end of the night."

I shook my head wordlessly.

She paused. "Of course… if you were to talk to him _now, _you might be back together by the end of the day…"

* * *

"Is it okay, if I work here?"

Skye looked up at me. "Of course, it is, Rain. You don't need to ask."

"I just thought… after Tuesday night…"

"I was bit out of order. I'm sorry: it's your choice who you pick for a boyfriend."

Tears began to pool in my eyes. "He's not my boyfriend anymore," I told her, my voice cracking.

She sighed. "I know, Rain. It's all over the school."

I shrugged wearily. "Nothing new. It seems everything I do is talked about these days." That was so true. Ever since I had started going out with Sirius, people whispered about me in the corridors; the girls gossiped about me in the toilets too.

"That's once of the cons of being the longest standing girlfriend of Sirius Black, I suppose."

"Yeah."

A pause.

"I was talking to Severus this morning," she said, changing the subject.

I tried to pretend I was interested, but the only thing on my mind now was Sirius. "Oh?"

"Mm. He won't let go of his werewolf theory."

I shrugged again. "He's probably right," I said, moodily picking at my fingernails.

"What?"

"Well, there was something weird going on. And none of them are going to the Silver Ball."

"The Marauders?"

I nodded.

"The Silver Ball is always on the full moon, isn't it?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Hmm. There must be some other explanation, though. I can't believe Remus is a werewolf."

"I don't care."

"Rain… are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm dandy. Obviously."

She raised her eyebrows. "Have you sorted things out with Black properly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Have you got to the awkward friends stage?"

"We haven't spoken since Tuesday night. When _it _happened."

"I think you should," she told me. "It might make you feel better."

"Maybe."

"And… I don't really…" She suddenly looked uncomfortable, awkward even. "Um… you've lost a lot of weight recently, Rain. You're getting… well… a bit _too _thin. Do you know what I mean?"

I stared at her. Too thin? What was she talking about? Could she not _see _the pockets of fat all of my body? Was she blind?

"Mm. Actually, Skye, I think you're right. I think I will go and see Sirius."

She looked worried. "If you're sure…"

"I'm sure."

* * *

I had had no intention of going to see Sirius; I had just wanted to get away form Skye; but somehow, my feet directed me towards the common room automatically, and before I knew, there he was, with James, Remus and Peter.

"Sirius, can I talk to you for a minute, please?"

He just looked at me. "Talk to you," he repeated coolly after a pause. "Go on, then. I'm listening."

I looked around at James, Remus and Peter, sighing. "Alone?" I asked finally, in a high voice that was not my own.

James was furious. "I don't think that's - "

But Sirius glanced at him, and, though he refused to meet my eyes, he followed me silently to an empty corridor.

I soon realised I would have to be the one to initiate the conversation; Sirius was looking very determinedly at anything except me. I licked my bottom lip, trying to find the words to begin - and tears pricked my eyes at his pointed indifference - even anger would be better than that. Eventually, unable to stand the silence any longer, I blurted out the first thing that came to my head.

"You hate me, don't you?"

He shrugged, still not looking at me. "I don't hate you," he offered finally.

"You're angry with me?"

He didn't reply.

"Are you going to ignore me forever?"

His forehead furrowed.

"Sirius, please. We're never going to sort things out if you won't speak to me."

He raised his gaze. For a moment I thought he was going to look at me, but he just settled on staring straight past my head. "What if I don't want to sort things out?" he asked, finally looking into my eyes. His gaze was calculated, almost as though he was testing my reaction.

My heart dropped into my stomach; even though it was what I had been expecting - he should have someone far better than me.

"Then we don't sort things out, I suppose." My voice sounded dull, lifeless, even to me. Ironically, my listless tone seemed to bring him to life; for the first time, some kind of emotion appeared upon his face.

"How long were you cheating on me for?" he asked quietly, sounding slightly strangled.

I shook my head, ready to scream myself hoarse. "I _wasn't, _Sirius. I told you what happened on Tuesday night."

"I knew he fancied you," he said through gritted teeth. "He was always staring at you. I _hate_ him."

"I'm sorry, Sirius."

"So am I."

Silence.

"Lily told me you're not going to the Silver Ball."

"No."

"Oh. Are you going home?"

"I'm staying here. I'm just not going."

"Why not?"

"None of us are going - James, Remus and Peter. And anyway, even if I did go, the only girl I wanted to go with would rather kiss another guy than stick with me… so what's the point, really?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. "If you mean me, then - "

"Of course, I mean you!" he finally exploded. "Who else? You've screwed me over, Rain Sullivan. And you what the crazy thing is? I actually want you back! Isn't that crazy?" His laugh was like that of a deranged man.

_He wants me back? _"Sirius, we could still get back together," I said. "You could un-dump me and we could - "

"No, we can't," he said harshly. "Because every time I see you, I imagine _you kissing him. _I can't deal with that. Sorry."

"You care about me." Through my tears, I tried to sound confident, make the words sound like a statement; they weren't - it was a question.

"So does David Connor," he spat bitterly.

"There has never been anything going between us, Sirius. You've kissed a lot of girls, haven't you? Wasn't there one that didn't mean anything to you?"

"You can't even compare the two!" he shouted.

"I can!" I cried back. "I had all of your ex-girlfriends to deal with, but I just accepted it. Can't you do the same?"

"Accept the fact your _friend _wants to shag you? That you kissed him and probably did much more? No, I fucking can't!"

I was tired. Far too tired to say anything else. I'd fought and lost. This wasn't my weight; I couldn't control this. He'd be better off without me anyway. I was useless.

"Okay, then," I breathed, defeated. "We're over, I get it. You're free."

He stood still, evidently taken aback. And the longer he was frozen in place, the more his anger seemed to abate. He even looked a little regretful; but then again, maybe I was just being hopeful - after all, why would anyone regret being free from me? If I was him, I would be running a mile.

"Are we doing the friends thing?" I asked him in a small voice, breaking the long silence.

"What?"

"You know - staying friends, even though you won't forgive me, and I still…"

He looked alarmed at the way the conversation was turning. "You're dumping me?"

I sighed. "You _already_ dumped me yourself, Sirius. You can't accept the fact I've kissed someone else, you're so angry with me you can't look at me… you've just told me that. I'm just saying what's hanging in the air."

"There's a big difference between telling someone you're having a hard time forgiving them and wanting to dump them," he said softly.

"What do you want me to do, Sirius? When I tell you I don't want you to end things, you lay into me; and when I accept that we're over, you act like it's the most illogical thing in the world!"

"Because you're supposed to fight back!" he shouted. "You're supposed to tell me over and over that Connor means nothing to you until I believe it! You're not supposed to give up until you've won - until we _are _back together. You're supposed to be - "

"Someone else?" I interrupted bitterly.

He was shaking, from frustration, from anger - I didn't know. "Maybe you are someone else: you are so _reserved, _I wouldn't you know what? I don't think I _do_ even know you. I don't think you ever _let_ me knowyou.

"You think you're so much better than everyone else. You thought you were better than me, didn't you? All your crap about bullying - you were always lecturing me with your superior principles about hurting people. Doesn't it ever get lonely on your high moral ground."

_Like you wouldn't believe, _was my unspoken answer. But how could he get me so wrong? And so right at the same time? I _didn't _think I was better than everyone else. How could I, looking at myself in the mirror? I _knew _I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything - I had been confronted with that truth ever since had began going out with him - and now he had obviously discovered that too. So that was that. I realised then: he must hate me. And with good reason; but that didn't stop the lone tear from tumbling down my cheek. I turned my face to the side, attempting to blink back the rest, quivering.

"I'm sorry," I breathed. I couldn't even bring myself to say his name. I looked around at him; my eyes met nothing.

He had gone.

* * *

"I'm guessing things didn't go well?" Lily asked softly, as soon as I stumbled into our dormitory.

"You guessed right, Sherlock," I Mumbled.

She sighed, and drew me into a hug. "Oh, Rain. I'm so sorry. "

"So am I," I said in a muffled voice.

And I was sorry. So unbelievably sorry.

"It will work out. Somehow."

"No," I whispered. "No, it won't. He hates me, Lily. He really does."

"I'm sure he's just angry…"

I shook my head, beginning to cry, as she released me. "He… he just left. He was saying… and then I tried to…"

"Sshh, calm down, Rain." She flicked her wand at her draw. Chocolate filled her hands, its sickening, sweetly aroma making me wanting to retch.

She near force-fed me. It didn't make me feel any better like it was supposed to - just sick, sick, sick.

It'll be okay, I promise."

She kept repeating that promise; it was like a mantra, trying to calm me. But it didn't do anything to comfort me. I _knew_ she was wrong; _knew_ it was just words - I would have done the same in her place. The only thing I could think to do was what that voice kept telling me to do. And like every other time, I listened to it and did its bidding, because I _knew_ that it was the only thing keeping me sane.

"I want to go and study," I told her quietly.

"Will that make you feel better?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Well… okay then. Maybe it'll take your mind off everything?"

I nodded again.

She hugged me again, and left the dormitory. I didn't move until I heard her foot on the last step; then, as usual I shut myself in the bathroom with the scales and my wand. I washed my hands first - it was part of my routine - and didn't wipe them. When my fingers were wet, it didn't feel so horrible when they were slid down my throat. I sighed, feeling dizzy and looked into the mirror above the sink.

_You've ruined everything, _the voice told me. _You're pathetic and weak._

The eyes in the mirror gazed back at me, filling with tears. I looked away to wipe the salty water off my cheeks, moving closer towards the toilet.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth wide and forced my right index finger into my epiglottis. My fingernails scratched my throat as I made myself gag. I choked; the undigested chocolate splashed into the water along with the salad I had eaten for lunch. Saliva, bile and regurgitated food hung from my mouth, pooling in the bottom of the toilet bowl. The acrid taste and smell of the vomit hit me potently, but still I plunged my fingers back into my throat.

_You deserve this. This is your punishment for being such a worthless human being._

I gasped for breath. There was barely anything left in the vomit now; the red colour of the tomato was there, clear as crystal in the toilet - the strong colour I had eaten first to indicate I had gotten everything out. There was no meat there, either; I never ate meat anymore; it much harder to throw up than everything else. Once more, I gagged on my finger, this time only bringing bile up. Everything was out. It was gone.

Shakily, dazed, I rose and flushed the toilet, ignoring the sudden head rush. I staggered towards the sink, scrubbing at my skin, and rinsing my mouth out.

I looked at myself in the mirror again. I could see my eyes, watering and puffy, and my runny nose, but this time I was smiling. I was empty again. And back in control.

As I pulled out the scales, the vein on my left wrist caught my attention. It was blue and very close to surface of my skin, throbbing. I wondered what it would be like to slice it open, see the blood flowing out onto to the floor. Would it hurt much?

_Not any more than you're hurting at the moment, _the voice told me.

So maybe I could take all the pain away? A sharp pain, and it would all be over. No one would be able to hurt me any more; I could escape. Escape from everything I hated on this Earth in just one easy slash. I would be gone.

And it wasn't like anyone would miss me. Lily, Ruby - they were the only people who cared about me in Hogwarts, but they would get over me eventually, meet new friends and lay me to rest. As for Sirius… he'd probably be glad I was gone.

My family: it was only Leah and Mum. Leah, I knew, would want to celebrate my death. She might even crack open the champagne on my grave. Mum would miss me, but with time, she would learn to fix her own mistakes and remember me fondly. It wouldn't hurt her too much.

But there was still someone holding me back… someone I barely ever mentioned. Someone I couldn't even remember, but someone I had always longed to meet. Someone I still loved, whoever they were.

_My father._

They say you can't miss what you've never had. How wrong can you get? I've always wanted my father; but never had him around. Always went to bed, dreaming of him when I was little, picturing how he would come and rescue me from Leah, how we could go away together and live on a little island in the middle of the ocean with no one else except for Mum, if she wanted to come. She would have been better by then; happy, instead of sad. She wouldn't need the drink or the antidepressants. My Dad would make it all better. He would be perfect - with brown eyes instead of my blue ones and my hair, with a deep, soft voice and big hands. We would dance about on the beach, jumping waves, building sandcastles, eating ice-cream. And then when the sun went down, we'd watch it together, and talk - just talk - he'd promise never leave me again, how he'd always be my Dad, watching my back. As soon as the light had faded, he would carry me back to our cottage; we'd have some toast and hot chocolate and he'd tell me stories as I fell asleep in his arms.

A child's mind is so vivid - so full of colour and hope. But I wasn't a child anymore, and I realised, with a sharp pang, and my mind wasn't like that anymore. I was aware of how grey the world was; I knew the cruelty of real life. I understood I would never find my father. I believed I had dealt with it, like everything else life throws at you - at moments like these I knew it was something I would never really deal with. Right now, I wanted someone I could write to, speak to about Sirius, and for them to tell me it would be okay, that it didn't matter. I wanted my father. And he wasn't there.

But he was somewhere. It awed me to think that he was someone in this world, actually living. It was insignificant and obvious; just the possibility that he was out there comforted me. I had always hoped that, perhaps, one day, I might meet him. Perhaps. Perhaps he would hug me, cry, just hold me because he was so glad to see me, finally meet me. His long lost daughter.

That wouldn't happen. I knew it wouldn't. Because even if, by some miracle, I did find him, what were the odds he would turn around and welcome me into his life? One to ten million? He was young when he had me, I knew that much. Why would he want a mistake he had long forgotten about to resurface? It would be like a beautiful painting, with one small, brushstroke slightly out of place, quickly covered with some acrylic paint, and then ruined by some kid picking at the acrylic. What would you do to the kid if they did that? Would you want to be a father to them? No. No, of course you wouldn't. And he wouldn't want me.

No one wanted me.

And so, as I looked at the vein in my wrist, I reached for Ruby's scissors from her makeup bag. Slowly, wondering what the best method would be, I drew the blade across my wrist as a sort of practice run. The blood trickled out. The cut wasn't particularly deep, but it still should have hurt. I couldn't feel anything. It was like I was outside of my body, watching myself take my own life.

Like an auctioneer, I decided to cut three times.

_Going… _Any famous last words?

_Going… _God, help me. Forgive me, my Father.

_G---_

The door slammed.

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**My question: I'm considering writing the next chapter [but probably the one after it] from Sirius' point of view. It would either be 3rd person limited, like how the actual Harry Potter books are written (he did this, he did that) or in first person (I did this, I did that). Let me know what you think - please review!**


	22. End of Battle

**To my reviewers: Earenya; Innocent Magic; stewart02; Kanika Meskhenet; jazi12amaze; Maudie; krazykook; EllieBaby; Naflower05. Every one of those reviews made me so happy! Thank you so, so, so much! I love you all, you awesome people. Thank you, also, for all your help with POV question - I'm pretty sure of what I'm doing now. So, this chapter is dedicated to each one of you. Thank you, and please review again!**

**Earenya: Hee, my God thing. It just sort of felt right :D As for hope, with this chapter... wait and see. Love you!**

**Happy reading!**

_

* * *

Like an auctioneer, I decided to cut three times._

Going… _Any famous last words?_

Going… _God, help me. _

_G__¾_

_The door slammed._

The scissors fell from my hand. Dizzy, disorientated, I looked up.

Lucy.

Her eyes were wide; her hand was frozen in midair, where she had opened the door. She was quivering, looking at me like I was an escaped psychopath. Even in complete shock, she was so much prettier than me. My jealous eyes roamed her face and her body; what I saw made me want to grab the scissors again.

But I didn't. Instead, I just gazed up at her, dreamlike, waiting for her to do - say - something. I could see that she was struggling for words; that she could barely render a sentence.

"Wh… what are… what are you d… doing?" she stammered.

My head swam, but even that couldn't silence that voice inside my head.

_Lie, _it told me. _Lie to her now._

"I… I…" I stuttered.

She stared uncertainly at me, as if part of her wanted to run away. Then, swallowing, she glanced at the blood on the floor; every second more and more seeped out, staining the white bathroom floor crimson. She pulled out her wand, shaking as she raised it.

A white hot pain seared through my wrist and vanished as suddenly as it had began. The cut had closed up slightly - not enough to stop more blood from trickling out - but enough to make it appear more of a graze than gash.

I let my wrist lie on the floor, discarded like litter.

"Did you just… were you trying to…?" she whispered.

I didn't answer.

She gasped. "You need to see Madam Pomfrey. Right now. You need… you need help."

_NO! _shouted the voice. _You can't see anyone. You don't need help. You don't need anyone else. They'll destroy what you've worked so hard for!_

"I… I'm fine. Just a bit… upset."

She looked at me, aghast. "No." She shook her head. "You need help."

"Lucy," I said desperately. "Please. I don't need help."

She moved slightly closer towards me. "No," she murmured. "I don't believe you."

I looked at her helplessly. I almost wanted to tell her the truth; to share the pain with someone else. "I…" I faltered.

_Don't you dare, _said the voice. _You've come so far. Don't you dare ruin it now_.

"What if they lock me up, Lucy? I'll fail my exams… I don't need anything. I'm absolutely fine. I've never done anything like this before and… I won't do it again."

"I'm… I'm not going to be responsible for… I have to…"

"Please, don't," I pleaded. "I'm fine… I don't need anything."

Her eyes widened. "You… you just tried to… _kill _yourself… you're telling me you're fine?"

_Lie. Keep lying, you idiot. Don't lose the only thing you have. _

I nodded earnestly. "Please don't tell anyone, Lucy. Everyone will think I'm a psycho. I'm fine. I'm not going to do it again, I promise. Just, please, please, don't tell anyone."

"You're crazy," she said, backing away from me. "You're not fine. You need help."

"So you're… you're going to tell Madam Pomfrey? McGonagall? Dumbledore?"

She gulped. "Well… I… yes, I suppose."

My heart stopped. "You're going to tell them now?" I whispered.

Looking uncomfortable, she nodded; then she sniffed, and froze. "What is that smell? It's like vom- " she stopped. Her eyes, nervously darting around the room, had rested on the scales a metre away from me.

_Please, no. _

She raised a shaking hand at me. And from her face, from her eyes, I realised she knew.

"_You_… so thin… scales… Oh my _God_."

She turned. She ran.

_STOP HER! _the voice screamed. _STOP HER!_ _STOP HER NOW!_

"LUCY!"

But she was already past the door.

"LUCY!"

Down the steps, I ran after her.

"LUCY!"

The common room was alive with the buzz of conversation. And I was sure, as I rushed to follow Lucy, I saw a brief flash of grey eyes and black hair - for once in my life I didn't pay the person any attention - instead, I focused on Lucy. She stopped at the portrait door, glancing at me, and for one terrifying moment, I thought she was going to announce everything to everyone there; _thank God, _she turned and hurried down the corridor.

My vision went black. I gripped the wall, waiting, just waiting, for everything to seem normal again. I _had _to find Lucy. Find her, before she ruined everything.

"Rain?"

"Rainster, are you okay?"

"Sorry Ruby," I said shortly. "I have to do something."

"Yeah, right. You're going to the Hospital Wing."

"_What?"_

"You look ill. Like, _ill."_

"I'm _fine!"_

"I swear, one day that'll be written on your gravestone. 'Here lies Rain Sullivan, still _fine _to this day'."

"I… I've just got a headache. Too much studying."

"You get way too much like Lily everyday. Enough with the studying, okay?"

"Yes, whatever," I said desperately. "I just need to find Lucy."

"No… you either go to the dorm to sleep your headache off, or I go and Lily and you go to the Hospital Wing."

_Enough's enough._

"Look, Ruby, you're not my mother, so just butt out and leave me alone, yeah? "

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm just trying to _help, _and you - "

"I don't need help! I don't need anyone's help. I just need to get out of this room. I'm going to walk out of this common room now. Is that alright with you?" My words were acid, but I couldn't do anything else. I rushed off.

I had never experienced panic like that before.

If Lucy had gone anywhere near the Hospital Wing… the teachers… what the hell was I going to do? They would try to _ruin _me. Could I run? No. That was impossible. But I couldn't just let them bundle me away into the Hospital Wing.

I had to act as if nothing was wrong. Act like Lucy was the crazy one. I could drink a load of water, so was a normal weight if they made me stand on the scales. If I could lose the weight in the first place, surely I could do this.

Maybe if I… I stopped as I passed a room on the seventh floor. I had never noticed it before. _Hide in there, _the voice told me. _While we decide what to do. _As always, I obeyed it. I opened the door and closed it quickly behind me.

It was like a royal bathroom. There was a huge, full-length mirror on one side of the room; a sink adjacent to it; and, resting neatly on a table in the middle of the chamber, was a clean, girl's Gryffindor uniform, a hairbrush, and a goblet.

Without thinking, I darted inside the shower, leaving my clothes in a heap on the floor. The warm water gently cascaded down my skin, not bruising my back like the harsh torrent that came from the dormitory bathroom. Once I was clean, I turned off the water and draped one of the huge, white towels around my body, stepping out of the shower.

The mirror lucidly told me how far I had come in the last couple of months. From a complete fatso, I had turned into this: smaller and more delicate. I could visibly see my ribs protruding, and my thighs no longer looked like huge slabs of ham. I couldn't let anyone take this away from me. Even if I was to put half an inch on… but I had to thinner still. This wasn't enough. But another half a stone might do it. Just another half a stone.

That's what I lived for: the feeling of glory with every pound I lost; that control over _something. _I couldn't live without that.

But it was just so painful. So painful to get up everyday and face everything again. That was why I wanted to take my life; why I still did. I should say goodbye first though, my conscience told me. Lily and Ruby had been so kind to me since I arrived at Hogwarts. I owed to them to say goodbye. And for that reason, I decided, I would wait. Besides, there was nothing sharp in the room.

I put the clothes on easily. The fresh linen of the shirt smelt amazing and it glided effortlessly over my skin. The jumper was far too big for me - the skirt likewise. That served as encouragement for anything.

I tugged the brush through my hair, dragging the knots out with mere force, before I moved onto the goblet. Time after time, I filled it up and drank its contents. I stopped when I got to the point where my stomach was painfully bloated.

I exhaled slowly. I stepped out of the room.

There was no one in the corridor except for me. Did that mean Lucy had kept her mouth shut? A frenzied hope built itself up inside my head, nearly driving me insane.

"Miss Sullivan?"

I whipped around. "Professor McGonagall."

_Lucy's told her. She must have told her. Oh God, what am I going to do?_

"It's past curfew, Miss Sullivan," she said severely. "Why are you not in your common room?"

"I… I've been studying, Professor."

She raised her eyebrows. "Well, as pleased as I am that you seem to be applying yourself to your studies, this behaviour is against school rules. If you are caught out of bed after hours again, you will find yourself in detention."

"Yes, Professor."

"Very well. Off you go."

Relief soared through me as I walked back towards the common room. Did that mean Lucy hadn't said anything?

"You really are a lunatic, aren't you?" came a voice from behind me.

I didn't answer.

"Rain? I'm talking to you."

"Why?" I asked hoarsely, checking the corridor for teachers as I turned to face him. "Why _on earth _would you want to talk to _me, _Sirius?"

"I just wanted to know if you were… what was going on. I heard your conversation with Ruby."

"You shouldn't listen to other peoples' conversations," I sniffed.

He shrugged. "I shouldn't do a lot of things, but I do them anyway."

"Sirius… why are you here?"

He shrugged awkwardly again.

"Because," I continued nervously, "I really have to find someone, so if you would just - "

"Miss Sullivan?"

"_What?"_

"If you could accompany me to my office with Miss Lucy McFadden here… I think there are some important things we need to discuss."

_No. No. No._

"Professor, I'm sorry but - "

"Now, please Miss Sullivan." His voice was both at once kind and commanding.

"I really can't, I have to - "

"Miss Sullivan, if you do not cooperate…" he didn't finish his threat. I had never seen Dumbledore look so dangerous.

Then I remembered - the water I had drunk. It didn't matter; they didn't have anything on me. It was my word against Lucy's. Me, a trusted student, against a known rule-breaker. I could do this. I had to.

I nodded to him. "But Professor, Lily and Ruby won't know where I am…"

Dumbledore looked at Sirius. "Mr Black, I'm sure you could inform Miss Sullivan's friends she is with me."

Sirius stared at him. "Yes, sir," he said finally, glancing worriedly at me.

"Excellent. Well then, Miss Sullivan. After you," he added politely.

I gave him a small smile, and followed him on the dreaded path to his office.

* * *

It lasted a long time, that interview with Dumbledore. A long, long, time. He decided eventually, after hearing Lucy's account of things and Madam Pomfrey's assessment, that I was unfit to remain in school. I was sent to a rehabilitation centre in Somerset for an indefinite period of time.

I wasn't allowed back to my dormitory to pack anything. I was forced to wait in Dumbledore's office until Ministry officials had been informed of my future whereabouts. Under the instruction of that voice, I destroyed half of Dumbledore's possessions in my panicked frenzy. I never managed to evoke an angry reaction out of him. He just sat there, watching me, pitying me.

After a while, I was collected by a team of green-robed healers and a some of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad. I laughed wildly, at first, as they took me away.

But then, tired, hurting, hungry, I gave up.

I didn't have to fight anymore. It was a bittersweet loss.

* * *

**3rd**** February 1977**

_Dear Lily and Ruby,_

_Thank you for your letters. My healer let me read them yesterday during therapy, and after nearly two months of being in this place, I'm finally allowed to write one back. In answer to your questions, I'm feeling alright. Martha, my healer, says I'm doing well._

_When I first came here, the place felt like my own personal hell. You get put in a room with nothing but a bed and a glass of water. There were no windows, nothing _-_ it was just like a prison. They have a garden and a field outside for when you're allowed outside. It's amazing how much I took things like that for granted before I came here. At Hogwarts, I never thought twice about going outside, but when you barely see the light of day, outdoors seems like a whole new world. _

_The therapy was beyond hard. If you imagine being interrogated by two talking dementors, you won't be far off the mark. You have to tell them everything about you. Literally, everything. Everything you did as a child, what your bedroom's like, your family, friends… it probably sounds silly, but it's terrifying having someone knowing that much about you. Then they get to the whole subject of depression, how you deal with it and how it relates to your childhood, etc. That was hard, but it's getting easier now. Actually, that's a lie and a cliché. It doesn't get easier at all, but you get more used to it. Martha says that you have to be honest with a problem like mine, or it just gets ten times worse. And seeing as I've spent the last couple of few months lying to everyone and everything that I meet and I've ended up in here, I suppose honesty really is the best policy. _

_In any case, it's impossible to get around the rules here. They take your wand away so you can't perform magic and under some law restriction, I was so insane I couldn't leave without my healer's permission. The first few weeks I was here, I tried everything _-_ running away, refusing to eat or drink, lying my way through therapy… none of it worked. In the end I tripped up. I told too many lies in therapy and they caught me out. I think that day was last time I said I was fine. Now, I know that I'm not. And Martha says it will be a while before I am._

_I'm sorry for the way I was last term. Especially for last conversation I had with Ruby. It all seems like such a blur. They keep telling me it's not my fault, but I'm still sorry. _

_There is a lot of time to think about things in here. When you're alone in a room without a window, you can't help but think about yourself and everything that's happened to you. According to Martha, most of my problems originate from my family, but there's something else that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks. If either of you speak to Sirius soon, tell him that his literally crazy, ex-girlfriend is sorry for what she did and everything that happened. I hope that, one day, we'll be friends again. _

_And I hope Lily, that you are still getting an impossible amount of Outstandings and Ruby is still my lovable little twin. I miss you both. A lot. I don't think I'll be back at Hogwarts until September, so I suppose I'll just have to carry on missing you. I am getting better though, slowly but surely. Please don't worry about me too much. _

_I love you both,_

_Rain. _

* * *

**16****th**** February 1977**

_Dear Mum, _

_I hope you're okay. I'd love for you to visit, but I don't think they'll let you in this place. It's alright, though __-__ you don't need to worry._

_It's mostly the same in here. Therapy, lunch, more therapy, meditative time… it gets repetitive after a while. Having said that, in a way, I don't want to leave. I'm scared I'll go wrong if I do. You'll know what I mean. _

_My friends are being great about everything __-__ sending me letters, being really supportive and all that. I'm glad I have them. They really are the best friends you could wish for. I'm sure that if I was them, I'd have given up on myself months ago. Ruby says they had a ball at Christmas at Hogwarts. I thought you might be interested in that; it's your kind of thing. Lily looked beautiful (she's the redhead) as she always does, and I'm sure Ruby was stunning too. Severus Snape, a boy in my year, got himself into trouble there __-__ nearly got bitten by a wolf. He's okay now, though._

_Martha says I'm doing well. I'll write to you again when I have more to write about. I miss you too._

_All my love,_

_Rain._

**29****th**** February 1977**

_Dear Dad,_

_I know it's ridiculous to write a letter that I'm never going to send and that you're never going to read. But I'm going to write it anyway. _

_I'm in rehab right now. That's a great way to introduce myself, isn't it? 'Hi Dad, never met you before… I'm in rehab… recovering from chronic depression and anorexia…' _

_It's tough in here, Dad. Most days, like when I write these letters, I know I've got a problem. But then, there's still that voice at the back of my mind that tries to convince me that I'm fat and worthless. Three weeks ago, I thought I was doing great. I wrote my first letter to my friends and I told them everything that was going on. Now, I'm starting to regret being so open. Because I really hate it in here. Despite what I've told everyone. I really hate it. I hate being treated like a mental person, I hate not being allowed to do what I want, and I hate that voice. That voice telling me I'm useless all the time. Even now, I can't help but believe it._

_I feel like there's something missing. Sometimes, I think it's just me getting used to living like a sane person again. Other times __-__ like now __-__ I think it's you. I've spent a lot of time in here wondering what it'd be like to meet you now. Would you want to see me, Dad? _

_I suppose you don't want to hear any more of my mad ramblings. And that's stupid anyway, because I'm never going to send this, like I said. _

_You know, I never thought it was possible to love a person this much without having met them. But I do; I love you, Dad. Wherever, whoever you are, I love you._

_Your daughter,_

_Rain Sullivan._

* * *

**...**

**It's so sad how many people suffer from anorexia and don't even make it to the stage Rain's at now. **

**So, we've made a lot of progress with this chapter. I hope you liked it! And I hope you don't think everything's happened too quickly, but this is how it flowed when I was writing it. Rain is sounding a little more sane now, but I hope it's obvious she's still got a very long way to go. After all, writing to your father when you don't know who he is, is not the epitome of sanity. **

**The next chapter will be from Sirius' POV, but we'll be going back a bit in time to the Silver Ball. Please review!**


	23. Mad, Self Hating, Anorexic

**To my reviewers: jazi12amaze; Earenya; stewart02; siriusloverlollipops; Kanika Meskhenet; EllieBaby; Innocent Magic; krazykook; Maudie. You are all very beautiful people and I love you lots and lots. Your last reviews made me feel like I'd written something good and worth reading, which was really nice - that happy, smiley feeling. Hee. I was reading them and smiling at the computer when I was supposed to be revising last week - I think several people think I'm mad now, even if they didn't before. So yeah, I am VERY glad you all thought I did a good job, and please review again! Love you all.**

**Earenya: Oh my God, thank you! Ahh! You nearly made ME cry. I don't know that many people with anorexia, actually. But what got me writing this again after my break in the summer was this girl who joined our school in September. She was German - she couldn't speak English very well - and she really was such a lovely person. She was very open - she told us that she had been anorexic and was in recovery. A month after she came, she had to go back to Germany because "she was a little sick again" and I haven't seen her since. **

**Okay, so here is a very nervous writer submitting her latest chapter. Instead of studying (my mocks are two days away - eek! Wish me luck!), I wrote this, so basically I've forfeited an A in Biology to get this up for you. How's that guilt trip? Hee. Anyway, first chapter with Sirius as the narrator. I hope I've got it right... please review and tell me what you thought.**

**Love, Sapphira.**

* * *

**Mad, Self Hating, Anorexic: ****SIRIUS**

**13th December 1976**

Wednesday the thirteenth. Not Friday the thirteenth, but still damned unlucky. And miserable and painful. Don't get married on Wednesday the thirteenth. You'll be divorced by the end of the year. Don't give birth on Wednesday the thirteenth, either, or your kid will get anorexia. Just like Rain Sullivan.

Rain was always a bit crazy. If I'd have known how crazy she actually was, I don't think I would ever have bothered getting involved with her. Yell out "Shallow" all you like, but it's true. If a survey asked me whether I would have preferred an anorexic girlfriend, or a non-anorexic girlfriend, I would have put a tick by the non-anorexic one. But, I suppose, sometimes you just don't get that choice. I didn't get a choice with my family of nutters, and, in the wise words of my best friend, James Potter, "You don't get to choose who you fall for". Ah, well. I'd take Rain any day over Lily Evans.

Lily Evans was ginger. And sometimes, she could be a very scary ginger.

On the 13th Wednesday 1976, I presumed to ask Lily for Rain's whereabouts. This following narrative entails her response and my subsequent fall into some place I had never been before. Enjoy yourselves. I didn't.

* * *

"Where is she?"

Evans narrowed her eyes at me. "You mean Rain?" she asked slowly, her voice shaking slightly.

I sighed, exasperated. "Obviously. She went to Dumbledore's office with Lucy McFadden. I just wanted to know…" I paused, not sure what to say next. I mean, I was supposed to be furious with the girl; why would I be asking after her wellbeing? Then again, I suppose I knew the answer to that already. "I wanted to know if she's okay," I finished eventually.

Tears sprang into Evans' eyes. I felt a bit alarmed at first (if there's one thing that scares Sirius Black, it's crying girls), then uneasy. Had something happened to Rain?

"Rain's… left," Evans croaked.

The blood drained out of my face. "What do you mean, 'she's left'?"

"That," she whispered. "She's in a rehabilitation centre in Somerset."

"_What?"_

"I… she's not well. She's been… sick for a long time."

I froze. _Sick? _How could she be sick? I opened my mouth and closed it again.

"She lost a lot of weight," she continued in a blank monotone, staring at the wall. "She… she's anorexic. That night… Lucy found her… she…" she squeezed her eyes shut. The tears trickled down her cheeks. "She had a pair of scissors… she… her wrist…" she broke off.

I walked away. I couldn't hear anymore.

_How could she? _She was smart and beautiful… she was everything. Why would someone like her want to take her own life? How could she even _think…_ I shook my head, rubbing my face with my hands.

She was anorexic. _Anorexic. _I had thought anorexia was only for the mad, self-hating girls out there; Rain had never fallen into that category. She had always stood up for what she believed in, hadn't she? She was the one who got stroppy when I picked on Matthews, told me I shouldn't be acting that way. She wasn't mad. She wasn't self-hating. Evans must have got it wrong. Red-heads always misheard things…

I paced all the way up to Dumbledore's office. I was going to ask him in person. This was just ridiculous. Pathetic. Just obviously _not _happening.

I came to a stop outside the gargoyle: I didn't know the bloody password. "Damn Dumbledore and his sweet fetish," I muttered to myself.

Someone chuckled behind me. "Succinctly put, Mr Black," he chortled.

I tensed. "Where's Rain?" I asked shortly.

He stopped smiling and sighed. "Perhaps you should come into my office, Mr Black."

I followed him without another word.

"Sit down," he instructed quietly, once we were inside the room.

I sat.

"First, I must ask you not to repeat what I am about to say to anyone else, Mr Black." He paused. "I understand that you are in a relationship with Miss Sullivan?"

I gazed up at the ceiling. "Not anymore," I mumbled.

"In that case, I must impress upon you the fact that Miss Sullivan would probably not wish me to inform you of - "

"Rain never wanted to tell me anything, anyway," I interrupted morosely.

He glanced at me shrewdly. "Do I have your word that you will not repeat a word of this?" he asked finally.

Eventually, I gave the wizard a stiff nod.

"Very well."

"Take your time," I said sarcastically.

He sighed. "There is no easy way to tell you this, Sirius," he said gently. "Rain has been suffering from a disease called anorexia. Over the past few months she has been depriving herself of food. On Monday evening, Madam Pomfrey found her to be significantly underweight. She was essentially starving."

"H…how?" _Starving..._ how could she do that to herself? What, in the name of Merlin, could make her do something like that?

"Sufferers of anorexia are incredibly good at hiding their condition, Sirius. They are strong and determined. They usually become excellent liars, and Rain is no exception."

"She… she was lying to me?"

He sighed again. "You have to remember, Sirius, that Rain is ill. She is not her proper self."

_Ill, anorexic, underweight… _"I… will she… she will get better?"

"Many anorexics have made a full recovery…" he stopped. "It would be wrong of me to give you false hope. Anorexia is not a disease like dragon pox, Sirius. It cannot be cured with a potion or spell."

"What are you saying?"

"From the report I have had from her healer, Rain is not settling in well at the rehabilitation centre. Of course this is to be expected, but do not think she will be back in school in a month's time, Sirius. I doubt she will be back again this year."

"Can I… can't I write her a letter?"

He shook his head sadly. "Not yet, I'm afraid, my boy. Perhaps later on in the year."

"Am I allowed to tell James?" I asked tonelessly.

"I understand you may want someone to talk to about this. You may inform Mr Potter as long as he does not repeat what you have told him. He must understand the seriousness of this."

I nodded and made to leave. At the door, I turned to face him again. "Who did she tell? About the… illness."

"Rain did not tell anyone. Miss McFadden found her in a bathroom with a pair of scissors." He closed his eyes for a moment. "She was attempting suicide."

* * *

B.R. - Before Rain: I was happier then. I had great mates, Outstandings in every subject, and my pick of the girls. I slept easy.

Now, I was lying awake, thinking about _her, _praying she would recover. Dumbledore's words, her own, and her actions were playing over and over in my head, track after track, a long, painful litany. I just wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her, apologise for being such a bastard. I groaned. What the hell had happened to me?

"Pads?" I heard James whisper. "You alright, mate?"

"Dandy," I muttered back.

"You're still thinking about Rain, aren't you?"

I rubbed my eyes. "I'm such an idiot, James. I was so horrible to her when we broke up… didn't let her explain anything. I just made it like I was the victim… and I wasn't, was I? _She _was."

"You couldn't have known that, Sirius."

"I should have done," I said bitterly. "I should have noticed there was something wrong with her. But I didn't."

"You _did, _Sirius. You just didn't know what it was and… and I convinced you that she was… cheating on you."

"This isn't your fault."

He shrugged. "It's not yours either."

Neither of us spoke for a while.

"I don't understand why do I care so much," I said eventually, giving voice to something that had been on my mind. "I mean, I know anorexia is horrible and all that, but if it had been Maria Chen, or any other girl I'd been out with… I wouldn't be lying awake now, that's for sure. I wouldn't care enough."

"I suppose you just _do, _Sirius. I mean, I don't know why I'm in love with Lily… I know she's smart and beautiful, but why should I love her just because of that? You know what I mean? Same thing with you, I guess."

I looked at him incredulously. "You think I'm _in love?" _I repeated sardonically.

"Aren't you?"

I gazed up at the ceiling. "I don't even know what love is."

"Maybe Rain's the first girl you've loved," James suggested. "Maybe that's why you don't know what you're feeling."

I snorted disbelievingly. "I'm seventeen, James. I don't _do _love."

"You can't help falling in love, Sirius," he persisted. "Otherwise I would not be feeling this way about Lily."

"You sound like such a gay boy."

"You just sound like you're shallow. Or you don't want to admit that you've finally found a girl you have feelings for."

A pause. "Who made you my counsellor?" I asked churlishly.

"No one. I'm just saying…"

"You think I'm in love," I stated.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

I sighed. "Well if I am in love, then it's pretty damn awful."

"Aye," he agreed.

"It almost makes me want to turn gay."

"Yeah. Whoa, Sirius," he said suddenly. "If this some kind of _admission _then I'm sorry, but I don't do… the whole… bum thing, okay?"

"Oh God, no!" I exclaimed in disgust. "Prongs, come off it!"

"Just wanted to make that clear."

"_Jesus."_

* * *

**18th December 1976**

* * *

"Hey, Siri. You going to the ball?"

"No."

"You're not?"

"No."

"Well, you'll miss out on taking me with you…" with a flutter of her eyelashes.

"Good."

She seemed shocked. "Excuse me?"

"Have you got something in your eye? You keep blinking all the time."

"You're an idiot, Sirius Black," she hissed angrily. "You should get yourself a girlfriend who isn't a fucking psycho and move on."

"You should get yourself a fucking life, you jealous bitch."

"Take that back."

"Actually, I do take that back. Get a new face to go with it." I walked away.

Stupid, slutty, _girls. _

I couldn't believe I'd actually found them sexy a couple of months ago. Obviously, I hadn't see that past the inch of makeup, they were dumb, pathetic and clingy. Idiots.

This new cynical attitude I had developed was really starting to get on my nerves. How ridiculous is it, when you're as good looking as me, that you offend every girl in the school? And it wasn't even like I had a shit personality. I was impossibly charismatic (that's not bigheaded; it's just honest) but instead, I chose to keep insulting everyone. What was wrong with me? _Don't even answer that, _I thought to myself, wryly. I had had enough of blonde hair, blue eyes and anorexia in my dreams; I didn't need it in my waking hours too. Wanting something you don't have is _the _most infuriating, unproductive pastime imaginable. Wanting some_one _you don't have is just painful. When that person is your ex-girlfriend, anorexic and in rehab, it's ten times worse.

"Hey, Sirius."

"Ruby."

She looked awful. Not being nasty; she really did. Her eyes were surrounded by dark red circles, probably from lack of sleep and crying. I knew how she felt.

"How are you?"

"Just brilliant," I answered sarcastically. "I'm having the time of my life."

"Ditto."

We broke off into silence.

"So… I heard you're not going to the ball?"

"What's the point?"

She shrugged tiredly. "Don't know. Don't even know why I'm going."

"Mm."

Another silence.

"She never realised, you know," she mused sadly.

"I really can't be bothered solving riddles, Ruby. Spit it out."

"I meant she never realised how much you cared for her. She thought you never wanted anything to do with her after her escapade with David. I guess she was wrong, huh?"

"I guess," I replied shortly.

She glared at me. "Look, Sirius, I'm trying to be nice here. I'm it wouldn't hurt if you could just show me some kind of civility. This is harder for me than it is for you. She has been my _best friend _for _six years_. How long have you cared about her? A couple of months?"

"Shut up," I snapped. "You don't know what you're talking about."

She scoffed. "What, are you actually in love with her or something?"

I didn't answer. Her eyes widened. "You're in love with her," she said shakily. "You're in love with my best friend."

I still didn't deny it. I don't think I could. I'd finally worked it out:

I was in love with Rain Sullivan, a mad, self-hating, anorexic.

* * *

**26th December 1976**

* * *

"Mr Black, you do not seem to understand the seriousness of what you have done. Severus Snape could have _died. _If it wasn't for Mr Potter and his quick thinking, that probably would have been the case."

I shrugged. "No skin off my nose."

"_Mr Black! _You will accompany me _immediately _to the headmaster's office. You will prepare yourself for expulsion. Is that clear?"

I kicked the chair aside on my way out. Expulsion, whatever. Who actually cared? They could all go and fuck themselves.

"Peppermint toad," McGonagall pronounced. The gargoyle swung back without a second's hesitation.

"He's here, Albus."

"Thank you, Minerva."

She left and shut the door quietly behind her. I didn't sit down.

"Have a seat, Sirius," the old wizard said.

"No, thanks."

Dumbledore sighed. "Let us begin then. You know why you are here."

"Obviously."

"Was this a joke that got out of hand, Sirius? Or did you intentionally intend to cause harm to Mr Snape?"

I shrugged.

"Sirius?" His tone was a clear warning.

"Thought it was funny," I mumbled eventually.

"You thought it was funny?"

"That's what I said."

He leaned back slightly in his chair. "Sirius, I cannot impress upon you the gravity of this strongly enough. Whatever dislike you may have for Severus is not reason to knowingly lure him into danger. You know of Mr Lupin's condition, Sirius, and you know the dangers that accompany that condition. It was inexcusable - wrong - of you to act in the way you have acted tonight. If I was not aware of other factors which may have influenced you, I would consider expulsion."

I shifted ever so slightly on my feet.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," I said emptily.

He sighed again. "However. I have decided to give you a month's worth of detentions. You will apologise to Severus when he leaves the hospital wing."

"Yes, sir."

He leaned towards me. "Is there anything else you would like to discuss with me, Sirius?"

I looked up at him blankly. "No, sir," I replied quietly after a pause. "Nothing at all."

His forehead creased ever so slightly. "Very well. Off you go."

I followed his direction and walked across the office. As I neared the door, he spoke again.

"Sirius, it may relieve you somewhat to learn that Miss Sullivan has shown some signs of improvement in the last couple of days."

I stopped dead.

"She… improvement?" I stuttered.

He nodded. "It seems that there is truth in the saying, 'things get worse, before they get better'."

"I… thank you, sir. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said with a small smile.

As I shut the door carefully behind me, I felt lighter. Happier.

* * *

**4th February 1977**

_If either of you speak to Sirius soon, tell him that his literally crazy, ex-girlfriend is sorry for what she did and everything that happened. I hope that, one day, we'll be friends again. _

* * *

_Dear Rain,_

_I'm glad everything seems to be going well for you so far. I hope you'll be back at Hogwarts sooner than next year. I'm really missing you ---_

_Dear Rain,_

_I don't really know what to write. I'm not used to writing to people in ---_

_Dear Rain,_

_I don't want you to be my friend or my ex-girlfriend. I want you to ---_

_Dear Rain,_

_I think I love you. That probably sounds a bit scary written on paper but ---_

_Dear Rain,_

_I've started a million versions of this letter now. Everything sounds great inside my head and then on paper, it just looks stupid. _

_And so does this, so I'm not going to send this or write much more. I'll wait until they let you out of that place. _

_I love you,_

_Sirius Black_


	24. My Summer Holiday

**To my reviewers: Naflower05; EllieBaby; krazykook; Earenya; Kanika Meskhenet; jazi12amaze; Mrs. Rose Malfoy; stewart02. Thank you so much for continuing to read and review! As always, I love you all, and I'm so glad you liked the last chapter. Please make me happy again and review!**

**Earenya: Ahhh! Thank you so much! Hee... I'm glad you liked my little thing with James. A little humour sheds light on the whole world... I don't know what I'm talking about. Thank you, love ya!**

**Here's the next chapter. Again, I am forfeiting sleep to get this up, but still, here it is. My mocks are over now (YAYY!!) so I am much less stressed and am in a better mood - even though I've failed at least two. Oh, well. So anyway, the 'coming out' chapter... hope you like and review to tell me what you thought. I love you all!**

**By the way, and you're going to laugh at me now, but I've finally realise that you can actually reply to reviews with the URL thing (yes, I am that stupid), so I will do that from now on. Love you!**

**

* * *

**

**27th June 1977**

* * *

"I don't want to leave Somerset."

"I know you're scared, sweetheart. But you have to come home some day. You can't stay in here for the rest of your life."

"I'm scared, Mum. I'm scared of what'll I do when I get out. I'll slip up, I know I will… and I'll be back where I was. And I can't go there again. I can't go back to being that person I was a few months ago. I just can't."

"You won't slip up, Rain. You'll still have the therapy with the healer - you just won't be living here."

"You don't understand! It won't be the _same, _Mum. Martha won't be around so I can't just get her when I feel horrible and then summer holidays will be over before I know it and then I'll have to go back to Hogwarts and I _can't _go back to school until I'm well. And I'm not well! I know I'm not!"

"Rain - Rain, listen to me. I _do _understand. I've been right here, where you are now, remember? And I was scared too. But that's good - you know you've got a problem and you've got to deal with it. That doesn't mean you can live your life in here forever."

"I _like _it here."

"Rain, please just come home. We can talk about this on the way."

"Not yet. I need another week."

"And another week after that. And then another. Rain, can't you see that the longer you put this off, the harder it's going to be?"

"But what if I slip up?"

"You won't, Rain. And Martha says your inpatient treatment is over now. _She _thinks you can cope."

"I…"

"Just for a week? You can always come back here if it's too much for you. Whenever you want."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I'll try. But I know, Mum. I'll be back in here before the week's out."

* * *

**6th July 1977**

* * *

Passing the gates on the way out of the rehabilitation centre was like arriving in London after a life spent on a sunny beach in Greece. Like arriving back in reality after a holiday in a fantasy - which I suppose was really what it was. The crazy train I been travelling on for the last few months had ended its journey at the final platform. But the platform was in the middle of a city, and I had no idea where to go now, or how to get there. I was lost. I was lost in my own city, in Reading. Lost and alone. And as we walked up James Street, our house didn't seem like my home anymore.

"It's still exactly the same as when you left - but Leah's moved out, of course, so it'll just be you and me. That's alright, though, isn't it? Just the same as it's always been…"

And it was the same; she was right. But _I _had changed. Everything _felt _different, even though it all looked the same. Again, I felt lost on the platform.

"… not like we have the money, anyway. Your bedroom will probably look a bit empty without Leah. It's still weird seeing her bed all neatly made up…"

She let me open the door. The key felt cold and rigid in my hand and it stuck in the lock. I could feel myself shaking as I turned it.

I don't know what I expected. I don't think I expected to feel like an alien in my own house. I gazed at the empty hallway. I just didn't belong.

"… at your room, I suppose. Rain?"

"Yeah?" I murmured back, in a daze.

"I was just saying… maybe you want to be own for a little while?"

"I… yeah. Thanks, Mum."

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

I nodded weakly back, unmoving.

She moved awkwardly away from me, into the kitchen, closing the door softly behind her. I knew how she felt.

Eventually I found the strength to climb up the stairs. When I reached my bedroom, I collapsed onto the bed, exhausted. I wished I was back in Somerset. Anything to escape this isolated, aimless feeling I had. A lone tear slipped out from my eyelid, seeping down my cheek, resting on my neck. My eyes fell on the wardrobe. Slowly, I sat up, walked towards it and opened its wooden doors. I gazed in fascination at its contents. My old pair of jeans lay at the bottom, discarded and unwanted. I picked them up, sliding my new jeans off and replaced them with the old ones.

They barely stayed on my hips. I had put on some weight in rehab; not as much as Martha had hoped, and evidently not anywhere near enough to fit into my old clothes. I could feel the jeans slipping down my thighs.

I saw my old favourite dress folded neatly in the corner of the wardrobe. It was white and summery, the sort you wear on a beach on holiday. It would no longer fit me, I thought sadly, tracing my finger fondly over the embroidered pattern. I considered shrinking it, but I realised that that would only ruin it. And so I laid it back down again, where I found it. It wasn't really mine any longer. I would have felt strange wearing it again - even if it did fit me.

As I gazed down emptily at all my old clothes, I caught sight of a folder partially covered by a green jumper. Picking it up and recognising as my old infant school English work, I flicked through the pages. I froze when came to the page entitled, "My Summer Holiday".

_Then we went to disneyland paris and we went on rides all day. I liked the its a small world best. then my daddy and me went to have a vanila icecream. I had a sprinkels on mine like daddy. Mummy had choclate. after that we went back to our hotel to have dinner and go to bed._

I stared at the page. And I wanted to cry, but it was as if I couldn't remember how. I could vaguely remember writing it: I had been sitting next to Sally Copland, trying to think of something impressive to write. _Sally _had been to Spain with her parents that holiday and was using the new pen she had been bought while there. She would always had a new pencil case, full of felt tips and coloured pencils, while I sat quietly next to her, ashamed of my own broken ruler and nibbled pen. And I could remember reading my work, "My Summer Holiday" out to the rest of the class, like the teacher asked me to, and I could remember wanting to die when Sally asked me why my "daddy" never picked me up from school.

Sighing, I lay back down on the bed, gazing out of the window at the city outside. Eventually, I began to feel drowsy and I fell asleep, "My Summer Holiday" still clutched in my hand.

* * *

**18th July 1977**

* * *

"Where you going, Rain?"

"Just into town."

"Oh, right. What for?"

"Well… I need new clothes, Mum."

"Of course you do," she whispered after a slight pause. "Right. Well, we'll go into London _together_. Make a day of it, yeah?"

"Mum, it's okay, I…"

"No, we'll take a train to Paddington now," she said firmly. "It's been bloody ages since we last had a trip out on our own, isn't it? And you can go to the Dragon Alley, or whatever it's called, and get your stuff for September. It'll be great!"

"Honestly, I…"

"And I think it's about time you got out of this house. A trip to London will do you loads of good. I'll just get my railcard and some money and we'll get going."

"Mum, I've got money enough of my own. I had some saved up in my room - you don't have to…"

"Of course, I do. I'm your _mother, _Rain. I _can_ afford to get you some new clothes, you know!"

"Well, if you're sure…" I faltered.

"I'm sure."

London was a big place. It is incredible to think that in such a big place, even with your mother by your side, that you can still feel impossibly lonely. But I managed it. It was similar returning to Reading, but, at the same time, so different. I was supposed to _know _the place - it was my home and yet I felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong. I still felt lonely, but I didn't feel like an outside. I was just another person in the crowds.

"So, what's first, clothes or Dragon Alley?" came Mum's voice next to me as we left the platform.

I shrugged, smiling weakly at her pronunciation. "It's _Diagon _Alley, Mum."

"Oh. _Diagon _Alley. I knew that. So, are we heading there first?"

"I… no. No, we'll do that last, if that's okay?" _Save the best until last, _I thought sarcastically.

"Fine. Let's get going then. Oxford Street here we come…"

Three hours later, we finally came to the Leaky Cauldron. Tom grinned and winked at me as we passed. Somehow, re-entering the wizarding world was not so weird as I had thought it would be. Maybe it was because I was finally getting used to not belonging anywhere but in Somerset. Maybe it was because it was the world I had been in during my crazy train months. Maybe it was because I had a tiny crush on Tom. Or maybe, it was because I had found somewhere I _did _belong in.

We went into Madam Malkin's first and came out without buying anything. And then, following Mum's suggestion, entered Quality Quidditch Supplies.

"This is _amazing, _Rain! I cannot _believe _I am actually looking at a real life _broomstick. _Will it work for me, do you think?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so, Mum. Only if you're a witch."

"I _am _a witch, Rain," she replied, winking hard at me.

I smiled faintly and gazed out of the window.

"Shall we buy one? We should - let's be daring and buy one. Screw the water bills - you _need _one of these!"

"Mum, you can't just 'screw the water bills'."

"I can! And anyway, you get an allowance from the school, don't you?"

"Not for broomsticks, Mum. That doesn't count."

"Well, who cares? I'll buy one for you!"

"Mum," I said through gritted teeth, taking off my cardigan. "You're on the dole, you can't just throw around money whenever you want. You've already bought me a load of clothes today - this is not…"

I broke off.

_Sirius. _

He had already seen me. He was still staring at me, as if he could look at nothing else. So _close _to me_. _

He opened his mouth to speak, and then shut it again. Mum had fallen silent next to me.

Tentatively, I spoke first. "Hello," I said quietly.

He swallowed. "Hi."

"I… how are you?"

"Um… good. You?"

"Fi - better," I corrected myself. "I'm better than I was."

He smiled shakily. "I'm glad."

I gave him a small smile back.

"I… are you coming back to Hogwarts in September?"

I nodded. "Hopefully. Martha - I mean, my healer says it will feel weird at first… but yeah… I'm coming back."

"I'm glad," he said again. _"Really _glad." He paused. "I missed you."

"Rain, I'm just going for an ice cream at that place outside," Mum said awkwardly. "I'll see you in a minute, okay?"

I gazed at Sirius for a moment more, then turned to her. "You don't have the right money," I said softly.

She shrugged. "Who says you need money to get an ice cream? I'm sure there's a _very _nice man who runs the shop."

I grimaced in embarrassment as she left. "She still acts like she's seventeen," I said to Sirius, not looking at him.

He smiled gently. "She's cool. You seem like _her _mother."

I sighed. "I feel old enough to be," I muttered.

He looked concerned. "How are you _really?"_

"Better. I am, honestly. You should have seen me a couple of months ago. But it's hard. Coming back here, I mean. It was even worse coming back from Somerset. It was like… hard. Just hard. I got so used to life in rehab - I even _liked _it at one point."

He made no answer. He just waited for me to continue.

"You get so tired," I said eventually. "It sounds stupid, but it's just so _tiring _being anorexic and that. All the lying and dashing about… it exhausts you. And in rehab they do everything for you. They look after you… there's just nothing to do except therapy and think. God knows I've done a hell of a lot of thinking since January."

"What did you think about," he asked softly.

"I… my family mostly. My… my father. My sister. My mother. The reasons why I'm so fucked up. And then Lily. Ruby. Skye. You."

"Really?"

I shrugged. "I thought about everything from time to time. Like I said, there's not much else to do." I paused. "I don't know if Lily told you, but I asked her to tell you that I'm sorry for what I did. I am, really."

He looked at his hands. "She told me. She showed me the letter."

It was my turn to look away. "Oh," was all I could say.

"You said… you said that you hoped we could be friends again."

"Yeah," I breathed. "Yeah, I said that. I guess I could use a friend."

"A friend?" He seemed disappointed. I wondered faintly whether he had wanted to be more, but I quickly banished the thought from my mind.

"Yeah. If you want to be, obviously. I'm not forcing you into anything you don't want to do. I mean, if you don't want a crazy, anorexic friend, then I get that, I do. Honest."

He took my hand in his. "Don't think like that, Rain. Of course, I'll be your… _friend."_

I smiled, and clutched his hand in mine. "Friends."

"On one condition."

"What?"

"That you won't ever do anything like this to yourself again. And if you feel it… _coming on_, you tell me."

I grinned weakly. "Okay. If I feel it _coming on, _I'll tell you."

"Promise?"

"Pinkie promise."

"Excuse me?"

"Pinkie promise. It's what me and Leah used to do when we were kids. Like an Unbreakable Vow, only it's not unbreakable."

"Oh." A pause. "Who's Leah?"

"My sister," I replied blankly, tonelessly. "We don't do it anymore."

"You have a sister?" he said, surprised.

I smiled sadly. "Yeah. I used to."

"I'm sorry. Did she… did she die?"

"No, she's still alive."

He looked confused. "So why did she 'used to be' your sister?"

"We didn't get along very well when she moved into the junior school. She hates me now, and well, I guess I'm too keen on her, either."

"Oh."

There was a short silence.

"I suppose, I'd better go and find Mum. Bye, Sirius."

He gazed at me wistfully. "Bye, Rain," he said gently, pulling me close to him in a tight hug. His arms were tight around me, and I thought I felt his hand tremble slightly as it passed over one of my protruding shoulder blades. There was a lot of emotion in that hug.

I smiled at him as I pulled away and picked up my white cardigan that I had dropped on the floor while Mum had been talking. A folded piece of paper fell out of its pocket and landed on the floor. It was fell slightly open as Sirius bent to pick it up for me.

He looked at it, and then something caught his eye. He opened it and read the title:

"_My Summer Holiday"_


	25. Fathers and Sisters

**Hey everyone! So I'm not dead... Since last Christmas (that sounds longer than it is) I've just had so much going on in life: exams (trying to get into medical school is not much fun), family, life and just general blahness. And I didn't feel much like writing when the World Cup was on - Viva España! I loved it. I was actually in Spain when they won it, so that was a really good experience, especially after England's embarrassing performance. (i.e. Wayne Rooney: you've really upset me. David Villa: _please_ marry me.)**

**Hey, Earenya? If you are reading this, and remember my existence, I just wanted to say hi. Hi!**

**But anyway, here is the next chapter, all one scene, but I think you'll see why. And don't forget to tell me what you thought! Love y'all!**

* * *

"That was Leah," my mother said, putting the phone down. "She's coming round soon to see how you are."

I stared at the threaded bracelet around my wrist, twisting it round in circles. "Leah's coming?"

"At three."

"Oh."

She cocked her head to one side, suddenly looking concerned. "Is that okay?"

"Fine," I sighed, before walking out of the kitchen door.

She hesitated before speaking when she saw what I was doing. "Uh… Rain?"

"What?"

"Are you… shouldn't you eat something? You missed breakfast."

"I'm fine. Stop worrying. You can always phone Martha again, like you did last week," I retorted angrily. I ignored her hurt expression, leaving the room without a backward glance.

I entered my bedroom to see a speckled tawny owl tapping on my window with its beak. I recognised it immediately. Sirius. I had grown accustomed to it appearing on the window ledge now - ever since I had met Sirius in Hogsmeade that day, he had fulfilled his promise of being a friend to me and had replied religiously to my letters the day he received them. It was comforting to know that I had friends that cared enough about me to waste their time and energy writing to me: Lily, Ruby and Skye had not abandoned me either. From what I could tell from their letters, Ruby's constant lewd remarks about Lily and James' relationship were beginning to pay off. I smiled as I thought of this. It seemed that James had been right when he said that persistence worked. For him, it seemed like it had - at long last.

As I opened the latch on the window, the owl flew in and sat pompously on the end of my bed. He stuck his leg out stiffly and I untied the letter from around his feet. _Dear Rain, _it read in Sirius' familiar scrawl.

_Hope you're feeling better. Again. I'm getting quite good at this writing thing now._

_You'll never guess who I saw in Diagon Alley yesterday (or Dragon Alley as your mum calls it). Your buddy, David Connor. Can you tell him to stop giving me evils when he walks down the street, please? It's freaky _-_ looks like he's giving me the eye. Anyway, I went into Flourish and Botts and I saw him looking at a magazine called 'Wondrous Witches and Where to Find Them' (it's a porn mag, in case you didn't know). He's not having muck luck is he? Poor bloke. It's embarrassing when people see you reading stuff like that. Obviously, I personally wouldn't know. He went the most amusing shade of luminous pink I have ever seen. Twat. _

_What else have I done that's interesting? Not much, really. James is getting really excited. He thinks his little love story with your crazy, red-headed best friend is finally starting to go somewhere. If you know anything about it that I don't, can you give me the heads-up, please? If she is still not interested at all, I should know so I can let him down gently before she tells him (again) what a toerag he is. _

_I hope your mum's well. She sounded at little bit insane when I saw her in Diagon Alley the other week, but she's cool. You should see my mother… _

I skimmed over Sirius' rant about his mother, smiling slightly. It was obvious he didn't get on with his family and I was surprised that he had chosen to tell me about them - I remembered Ruby telling me that Sirius never spoke about his family at school. It was nice that he had confided in me.

_More than nice, _came the soft admission from my conscience. I sighed. Sirius was a still a subject of uncertainty with me. After the past few months I had spent away from him and everything else related to school, I had not really given him much thought. I had had other things preoccupying me, my family, my recovery and my general discomfort with the life I had returned to - all taking priority inside my mind. Although I had thought about everything from time to time during my stint in rehab, the idea of rekindling my relationship with Sirius had never really crossed my mind, convinced as I was that he wanted nothing more than platonic friendship with me. Seeing him in Hogsmeade made me doubt myself. And his newfound regularity in letter writing had left me wondering. Was it possible that he might still have feelings for me? I liked to think that he did. But the self-deprecatory voice of my anorexia still haunted me, weeks after my release from rehab.

A knock at the front door startled me. Realising that it must be Leah, I hastily folded Sirius' letter in two and shoved it under the duvet. My mouth felt dry.

I could hear her voice downstairs. She was talking to Mum, their voices slightly hushed. So I couldn't hear what they were saying, obviously. Then her footsteps sounded on the staircase. Closer and closer, until I heard her reach the landing. I turned to look at her.

My sister stood in the doorway. Her eyes darted over to where I was sitting and she inhaled sharply when she saw me. Did I really look that different? _She_ looked much the same as she always did, except that she had changed her hair colour. Before her hair had been a muddy brown colour but now she was blonde, like I was. It suited her.

"Hi," she said finally.

I looked up at her. "Hi," I murmured back.

A pause.

"So you're anorexic."

"I… yeah."

She didn't say anything; she just let her eyes hover over my face and body. Eventually, she spoke in a soft voice that I had rarely heard her use before. "Why did you do this to yourself?"

I just shrugged. I looked at my feet.

She walked to the other side of the room, looking out of the window. "I didn't know if I should come at first. Didn't know if I even wanted to."

Another pause.

"I'm sorry for that, Leah."

She turned to stare at me. "What?"

"I'm sorry that you don't like me."

She snorted and then turned back to the window. "You're right," she said eventually. "I've never liked you."

"Why?"

It seemed like she wasn't going to answer.

"You were always Mum's favourite," she said quietly without looking at me. "She always loved you that little bit more than she loved me."

"That's not true, Leah."

"Yes, it is," she hissed. "She loved you more because you were _his _child. Whoever your father is, she loved him more than she loved mine. I remember what it used to be like when Mum was still drinking. She would go out, leave us on our own and then she'd come back. And she was always pissed when she came back and she'd scream and scream for ages until she passed out. And then, the next afternoon, when she'd got over the hangover, she would come and find you. She would _cling_ to you and promise you that she was going to bring your dad back and that everything would be okay when he did."

"But she didn't, Leah," I whispered sadly.

She glared at me. "At least she tried. At least she _tried_ to find your dad so she could play happy families with you and him. She never bothered to do that with me. So don't you see? She loved you _more._

"And you know what? I hated you for it. You were smarter than me, you were prettier than me, you never screamed, you never shouted. There was always some reason why you were better than me. So when we got to junior school, I was glad you found it so hard to make friends. I was _glad _because I had something you didn't."

I couldn't believe what she was saying. "Leah, I've never been any of those things," I said slowly. "I've never been smart or pretty. All I've ever been is Leah Sullivan's little sister. No one cared about _me_."

She shrugged. "At school, maybe. Not at home. Which is why I was always so nasty to you. And the way you reacted was brilliant. I'd call you a bitch and slap you and you would never do anything except go to bed early and sniffle under the duvet.

"And then you got that letter. You got to leave for that 'magic' school. Isn't every kid's dream? To get told that you have magic powers and you can go and live in another world? Well, it happened to you. You left and went to live in another world for three quarters of the year to learn how to turn people into frogs. And what did I get?" Her voice was rising. "I got to stay here! I got to stay right here, in this shit-hole. I got to count myself lucky I got a job in a lap dancing bar with blokes who smell like piss."

"I know that's bad, Leah. But it's not all been saying hocus-pocus and riding broomsticks for me either," I said quietly. "I've just spent six months in rehab."

She stared at me, let her eyes rest on my collar bone and then looked away.

"Do you have any friends?" she asked me suddenly.

"At Hogwarts… a few," I stuttered, surprised at the direction of the conversation. "Not many."

"Boyfriend?"

I hesitated. "No. He dumped me."

"Why?"

I looked up at the ceiling. "He didn't want me any more, I guess." My voice shook a little.

"Oh. I'm engaged."

"I know."

"Everyone kept asking me why I hadn't asked my sister to be a bridesmaid. I didn't know what to say."

I shrugged and stared at the floor. "Because there's no point having a bridesmaid that you don't like," I said blankly.

Another silence.

"That's true," she said finally.

"So… who _did_ you ask?"

"Mel and Karen - met them a couple of years back. I thought Cath would upstage me… she spends more time in front of the mirror than me."

"And… who's going to give you away?" As soon as I had said the words I knew that had been the wrong thing to say.

Leah's eyes hardened. "I know who _won't _be giving me away," she said coldly.

"I'm sure you'll find him, Leah. One day."

She glared at me. "Who taught you to be so patronising?"

I lowered my tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry."

She sighed and lay back on her old bed. "Fuck me, I need a drink."

Yet another silence.

I picked at the threads on the duvet I was sitting on. Leah stared at the ceiling.

"I wish I knew where he was," she said softly.

"Your dad?"

She nodded her assent.

"Does Mum not know anything?"

She laughed bitterly. "Mum spends her time either drinking or buying food for you. Like she cares."

"I don't know why she's started the obsessive food-buying," I said, remembering my earlier irritation. "Stuffing chips and bread into my face isn't going to cure me."

"Did you tell her that?"

"Yes. But every time I say anything she just wants to cart me back to Somerset, so what's the point?"

"At least she actually gives a shit."

"I guess."

"So… what about your dad?"

"Still don't know," I said after a pause. "Don't know who he his, what he is, where he is."

"Does it bother you?"

"Yes," I admitted. "Yes, it does. But I've got no chance. There's five billion people in the world and I know nothing about him."

"Yeah, but around half of those five billion people are female, who will not be responsible for impregnating our mother seventeen years ago. Unless there's something I don't know."

I had to smile.

"So yeah," she concluded, smiling a little herself, "you can rule out two and a half billion people. That should even up the odds somewhat."

"And I can forget Mr Greene next door too," I said grinning. "He wouldn't touch Mum with a barge pole."

"Yeah. Definitely not with his own _personal_ barge pole. He'd put a padlock on his boxers first."

And then, with the image of our beer-bellied neighbour in padlocked boxers, I started to laugh. Properly, for the first time in months. I heard Leah's familiar giggle on my right and I realised that she was laughing with me. And even as my sides started to ache with the laughter, I felt a pull at my heart: Leah and I should been doing this years ago - laughing together as sisters.

As our laughter began to subside, as it inevitably did, I turned to look at Leah. Unlike the years before, I could see now how similar her looks were to mine. She had the same jaw, the same skin tone, although her nose was a little larger than mine. It was her eyes that really stood out. They were just like mine; the same shape, the same size, the same colour. But there was one fundamental difference between her face and mine. Whereas she had grown into her features and become pretty, I had not. My face was haggard and drawn, with sunken eyes. The hair that I had used to love had turned thin and limp. Not like Leah.

"Leah?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I come to your wedding?"

"I don't think you - "

"I won't say anything or embarrass you or anything like that. I won't even speak to you if you don't want me to - I'll sit at the back and it'll be like I'm not there. It's just… I'd really like to come."

She sighed. "I think… I'd like you to be there. And you don't need to sit at the back. I'll save that seat for my future mother-in-law."

"Thank you."

She shrugged.

"So, what's your mother-in-law like?"

"She's a bitch. A spiteful, evil, little bitch. She'll probably wear black just to show me how much she hates me."

"Oh. Does she get on with Mark?" (Mark was Leah's fiancé.)

"Not really. She's still a bitch though."

"Yeah."

She put her hands behind her head. "What about you and your boyfriend?"

"Ex," I reminded her sullenly. "He's okay."

"How was the break-up?"

"Messy. We've made up now though - we're mates."

"Has he got another girl?"

"I don't think so."

She snorted. "Being mates after breaking up is bullshit. It doesn't work. If he's agreed to be mates with you instead of fucking some other girl, he still likes you."

"I wish," I said bitterly. "But still, a girl can dream."

"What's he like?"

"Fit. Like _fit._"

"Well, that's a good start."

"He's really clever. He's popular - everyone likes him. Most of the girls fancy him."

"Oh, he's _that_ kind of guy," she said with a knowing look. "Is he a loser, or is he pretty nice?"

"He's great," I replied, sighing with a small smile. "Sweet and kind when he wants to be."

"So why did you break up?"

"His best mate caught me kissing another - "

She gasped, grinning, interrupting me. "Rain, you complete _slag!_ I never knew you had it in you."

Her tone made me smile. "It wasn't like that."

"It never is."

"_He _kissed _me_."

"But you kissed him back."

"I didn't know what was happening."

"It's not that hard: when someone smoshes their lips on yours, we call it _kissing_."

I snorted with the beginnings of laughter.

"Now that is just unladylike."

I continued to laugh: I had never realised that Leah had developed a sense of humour. I just couldn't get over how good it felt to have some semblance of my sister back.

"I've missed you, Leah."

She looked surprised. "Why?"

"I've always wanted a sister."

She smiled wryly. "But you got me, huh?"

I took a breath. "I'd like _you_ to be my sister."

"I think… I'm pretty sure I could use a sister too."

"Really?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry for everything, Rain." She said it with such remorse in her eyes that it made my heart melt.

I shook my head. "Forget it. Doesn't matter anymore"

"Sisters?"

We did something then that I thought we would never do again: we hugged. She put her arms around me, I put my arms around her, my head rested just under her chin and we hugged as sisters.

I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so happy.


	26. Returning Home

**Hey everyone! It's a miracle I've actually got this up - if my grammar and stuff is not perfect, it's because I wrote this while I was suffering with the remnants of a hangover. I don't think I've ever murdered my liver so much in one night before (I'm still new to drinking).**

**Anyway, one of my reviewers, HPLUVR71495, asked me to do a recap of everything that's happened so far, so here we go from Ch.1 : Rain gets her letter from Hogwarts, becomes best friends with Lily and Ruby. In sixth year, she is glad to get back to Hogwarts after the summer to get away from Leah (who is basically bullying her). Sirius & James play a prank on her at the Welcoming Feast and she gets upset and accidentally gets Sirius in trouble with McGonagall. Sirius has a go at her in the common room afterwards and she feels even worse. The next day, she walks in on Sirius bullying Skye, a Slytherin and stands up for her. They become friends. ****Sirius and Rain continue to argue over the next few days and David (her Ravenclaw friend) is there to comfort her on day after she walks out of Potions because of Sirius. David kisses Rain and tries to tell her that he loves her but they get interrupted by McGonagall. Later on, she argues with Lily and Ruby about it and they refuse to talk to her for a few weeks. Eventually they make up after Rain ends up in the Hospital Wing after passing out in Astronomy. **

**Rain gets partnered with Sirius for Potions, they start to get on better, and David gets jealous. She is confused over her feelings for David, while Sirius starts to realise that the way he treats some people can be a little harsh. Sirius asks Rain to Hogsmeade, which cheers her up and she starts to forget about David. Their date goes really well and they kiss. Lucy McFadden (another Gryffindor girl) is jealous of her relationship with Sirius so she tells her some story about how mean Sirius is to get Rain to dump him. Rain doesn't dump Sirius but her self-confidence issues begin to surface and she decides to lose weight to made herself 'worthy' of Sirius. This quickly becomes full-blown anorexia and she starts dieting and making herself sick. Her grades start to plummet and Sirius begins to think she doesn't like him. He tells her he cares about her a lot and they start going out properly. Meanwhile, Skye decides to help David out by pretending to out with him to make Rain jealous, but Ran is so wrapped up in anorexia and Sirius that she doesn't even notice. David finally catches her off-guard and kisses her. James sees, tells Sirius who dumps her. Rain is devastated. Skye and Rain also start to figure out Remus' secret. Rain is eventually so depressed she tries to take her own life with scissors. Lucy catches her in time and Rain is sent to rehab in Somerset. Six months on, and Rain is out of rehab and finding it hard to adjust to life on the outside. She meets Sirius when she goes to Hogsmeade and they clear up any animosity between them. They both still care for each other. Rain and Leah finally bury the hatchet.**

**Phew! Done. And please review to tell me what you thought of this chapter! Love you all, Sapphira.**

* * *

Now that Leah and I had finally put our differences aside, the house seemed to liven up considerably. Although Leah shared a flat with Mark, she did live near us and so she spent a lot of her time in the house with me and Mum. This also meant that I finally had an opportunity to meet Mark, who regularly came by with Leah when he wasn't working. It turned out that Mark, a trainee nurse, was a great guy. At first, it struck me as odd that Leah had not chosen to marry someone with a slightly more 'macho' career; before now she had always gone for the more sporty types, but the more time I spent with Mark the more I liked him.

It was obvious that he really loved Leah. I was glad of it, and not just because she was my sister and I wanted her to be happy. Leah needed his love. Since she had been young, all she had wanted was to be loved - just like me. Neither of us had known our fathers, and I knew how much Leah missed having a loving paternal figure in her life. And as she had told me, she had always felt that I had been Mum's favourite child (although that wasn't true). She had loved school because she was popular and she had adored the feeling of being liked. But eventually she had to leave school. I did wonder if that was why she had stayed working in the lap dancing bar for so long - for the attention and the admiration - but I never voiced that out loud. It didn't matter anymore. Now, she had Mark's unconditional love. She finally had her happy ending.

Up until now I had always looked forward to going back to Hogwarts after the holidays. Apart from anything, I had fallen in love with the magic castle in my first year and it was nice to return to the place where I was happiest. However, mostly it had been my (at best, strained; at worst, downright violent) relationship with Leah that made me especially glad to be out of Reading. But this didn't apply anymore. While our relationship was still not perfect, Leah and I were at last, what I would call sisters. We loved each other. And besides anything else, she was so similar to me. Minus Hogwarts, she had experienced what I had experienced - Mum's drinking problems and her long, tangled line of relationship issues, absence of a father and living without ever having much money. I would miss her a lot when I got back to school. It was a shame, I thought as I lay in bed on 31st August 1977, that I would have to leave my sister so soon after I had found her.

Outside I could hear the noise of the city. The cars, the soft hum of conversation, the drunks from three houses down - it was all there. I would miss that too. As much as I loved the rurality of Hogwarts, I also loved Reading's urban life. There were too many people there for it to be a point of interest what I was doing with my life. Unlike Hogwarts, where I knew it would be common knowledge that I had just come out of rehab. That was what I was dreading most about going back. Of course, I was looking forward to seeing my friends again (especially Sirius, my subconscious whispered), but at the moment the dread was far outweighing any excitement I felt.

I wasn't completely stupid. I knew people would have been talking about me while I had been away. That was inevitable and I could understand it. I appreciated that someone starving themselves for months and then attempting to kill themselves in a bathroom was probably quite high profile gossip. I was also grimly anticipating the stares and the thinly-veiled whispers; that too, would be inevitable. It would be unpleasant, but what would be worse were the jibes and insults from the Slytherins. I would have to grow a thick skin next year, I decided as I punched my pillow into a more comfortable shape. I fell asleep shortly after.

The next morning was all a bit of a blur. I woke up early, at half past six - but despite having so much time and having packed the night before, the hours before we had to catch the train to King's Cross slipped by unnoticed. Before I knew it I was standing at the barrier between Platform 9 and Platform 10. For the first time I felt like I had a proper family with me. Mum, Leah and Mark had all turned out to wish me goodbye.

"What is this place called again? Platform 9¾?"

"Yeah, that's it."

Leah raised her eyebrows. "Weird name."

"Weird place," I grinned back, though my mouth was starting to feel dry. "I _will_ see you all at Christmas, right?"

"Of course, sweetie. Have you got everything?" Mum interrupted with a false smile. "You know, books, clothes…"

"All your freak magic crap," Leah added.

My heart was beating a little quicker. "Got it all." I looked at the clock … 10:47… "I guess I should get going then. I don't - "

But the rest of my speech was interrupted by Leah. She flung her arms around me, holding me tight to her chest, whispering, "I'm so sorry. I really am so sorry."

"It's fine, Leah," I whispered back. "It's okay."

She let me go, a little pink, but smiling. "Write to me."

"Really?"

"Yes. And look after yourself."

I laughed. "Isn't this Mum's role?"

She shrugged. "Big sister's prerogative, too," she replied, winking.

I smiled and squeezed her hand quickly. "I really should go." I had just seen Piers Price, a Hufflepuff in my year, walk his trolley towards the wall.

Mark stepped forward. "Have a good term, Rain," he said, patting me on the back in a one-armed embrace. "Take care."

"Sure. And make sure _you _take care of _her_," I responded in an adult voice, gesturing towards Leah.

"Shut up," she said, rolling her eyes but I could tell she was smiling.

"Little sister's prerogative." I grinned at her and then turned to Mum.

"Thanks for looking after me and everything, Mum," I said cautiously, looking at her hands rather than her face.

She drew me into a tight hug and I could feel her tears dampening my hair. "Don't be stupid," she breathed shakily. "Have a good term," she added as she released me. "And don't do anything… just… look after yourself. Like your sister says."

We all laughed softly. Then a voice:

"Rain?"

A flash of red hair and emerald eyes, an unmistakable combination - my best friend, Lily Evans. Alone. She was walking slowly towards me, as if she wasn't sure just how close she should come. I opened my mouth and then closed it again, at a loss for what to say. Struggling to keep myself together, I smiled briefly at her, mouthing "wait" before turning back to my family to say my goodbye.

Mark went first. His hand rested on my shoulder as he smiled. "Enjoy yourself, kiddo. See you soon."

I nodded. "Christmas," I promised, then moved on to Leah. "I'll miss you."

She screwed up her face; it almost looked like she was trying not to cry. "You too. See you at Christmas."

There was a short, awkward pause before Mum moved forward. "I love you," she said softly, putting her hand to my face.

I smiled through my own tears. "I love you too, Mum."

She let her hand linger a little longer on my face, and then she took it away. I moved back, closer to where Lily was standing, and looked at them all: my family. I smiled one last time, and then turned to Lily. She didn't speak, just nodded wordlessly and followed me to the barrier. I swallowed, breathed heavily… took one last look at them… Mark waving… Leah smiling… Mum crying… the wall of bricks… closer… closer again… almost there… about to break through….

A new world emerged before me. And as glad as I was to be here, I felt a little torn in two. I had left part of myself behind the barrier.

There stood the Hogwarts Express, right in front of me, and I realised with a pang of sorrow that this would probably be the last time I ever boarded this train. All the owls, cats, trunks, people were also here, strangely familiar and foreign and the same time. There was so much… so many things about the platform that I had noticed before. It was as if my vision had been magnified twenty times - every detail suddenly stood out, as obvious as life.

"You look like a first year again, seeing it all for the first time," came Lily's amused voice from my side. I had forgotten she was there. It took a moment to register.

"Lily!" I exclaimed loudly, and threw myself onto her. I could feel her surprise - for the few moments she didn't hug me back - but then she did, and then she was laughing, and I was crying, and I was finally like, _Yes, this is it. This is home._

We couldn't talk quickly enough. Everything she said made me smile until my cheeks ached and the feeling made me regret furiously that I had missed out on so much. I could have lived through everything she was telling me.

Ruby joined soon after, and after our enthusiastic (if a little teary) reunion, I learnt that Lily had been chosen as Head Girl. Lily beamed proudly at this and I was happy for her, although not surprised. I wasn't surprised either, that Ruby had not been chosen as the replacement prefect - I was shocked, however, to learn that Lucy McFadden had been chosen instead. After thinking about it for a while, I did wonder if it hadn't been to do with the fact that she was the one who had discovered me in the bathroom all those months ago. As much as I had disliked her before, there was no doubt as to the fact that I would not be standing on the platform in the here and now if it hadn't been for her. She had, in effect, saved my life.

I discovered also, as we were boarding the train that there was a new addition to our little group. In my absence last year, Lily had befriended a girl in our House, in our year, called Mary Macdonald. I had never taken much notice of her before now - she had been rather quiet and bookish - but from what I could remember, she was nice enough. And now, as I sat in our compartment with her and Ruby (Lily was in the prefect's carriage), I could not think of a reason as to why I had not got to know her better. She was calm and unassuming, yet confident. I liked her.

"I'd like to be healer," she was saying. "But you have to get such high grades… I don't know if I'll make it."

Ruby snorted. "I couldn't be a healer. I'd kill everyone in sight."

Mary and I both chucked. "Seriously, though," Mary continued. "It must be so rewarding. You know, helping people, making them better."

I nodded. "Healers are so important. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for myhealer." I hadn't meant for that to slip out. I felt the whole compartment tense. Weirdly enough, it didn't seem to bother me.

I took their silence as a cue to continue. "I mean, Mum did her best and everything, but mostly, the only thing that worked and made me feel better and more confident was the therapy with Martha - my healer."

Mary looked at me sympathetically.

Ruby wore an odd expression and took my hand. "I'm happy it worked, Rain," she said simply, in one of her rare periods of seriousness.

"So am I," Mary added, touching my arm and smiling a little.

There was a silence. But then, the compartment door opened, and the moment was lost.

At the doorway stood four men: two were tall, both with black hair; another was slightly smaller with distinctly shabby clothes; and the last, a little behind the others, was smaller still, with a slightly rat-like appearance. Yes, it was the Marauders.

The silence reappeared, awkward and uncomfortable, and it lasted longer this time.

James broke it first, although I was deeply aware of Sirius watching me expressly. "I'm glad you're… well, you know. I'm glad you're here."

I smiled slightly. "I am too. It's nice to see you again."

He looked down. "I think… I owe you an apology, Rain," he said, looking me squarely in the eyes for the first time. "I'm sorry for the way I behaved last term. I had no idea of your _condition."_

The word _condition_ made my lips twist into a smile. "It's fine, James. There's nothing to forgive. You were looking out for your friend." And I tried my hardest not to look at his friend. I think I just about succeeded.

James let out a breath he'd obviously been holding. "Thank you, Rain. Shake?" He offered his hand out.

I took it gladly, and shook it, saying with a grin, "You know, James, as far as my _condition _goes, you can call it anorexia. I'd rather not have people think I was pregnant, if that's all the same with you."

We all laughed, James included, though he looked a little embarrassed. "I'm glad to see that you've lost none of your sense of humour," he said ruefully.

I just smiled angelically at him - that is, until my eyes came to rest on a badge pinned to his robes. "You're Head Boy?" I squeaked. And then, forgetting myself somewhat in my surprise, I said rather accusingly to Sirius, "Why didn't you tell me?"

He looked quite startled that I had suddenly started speaking to him. "Thought never occurred to me," he said complacently. "Besides, it's humiliating having a Head Boy as a best mate." He pretended to shudder, while James mimed hitting him over the head.

I laughed through my lingering surprise. "It's amazing to see you again." I meant both of them, but when I saw the way Sirius was looking at me, I realised that what I had said could be interpreted as being aimed directly at him. That made me turn a little pink, so I didn't say anything else. Especially when Sirius came to sit on my other side. The proximity of his body to mine was making me nervous and hot and so I was glad when Lily decided to reappear.

"I cannot believe they made you Head Boy, Potter," she was saying angrily. "What was Dumbledore thinking?"

"That I'm a charming, charismatic individual, of course," was his witty reply. But really, Lily had to have seen that one coming.

"Don't talk to me, Potter," she said crossly, folding her arms, although her eyes lingered on his chest, which was slightly exposed. "I can't believe I have to work all year with you," she muttered to herself, but loudly enough for us all to hear.

I caught Ruby's eye and we both looked away, trying to stop ourselves from laughing. Mary also seemed to understand and was hiding her smile with her hands.

"Shut up, you three," Lily growled.

Ruby winked at us before speaking. "James' eyes are on his face, Lily. Not where you were looking."

Lily's cheeks turned the same colour as her hair. James' face was a comical mixture of elation and incredulity. Mary and Ruby were laughing. Peter and Remus were chuckling too. The only person I did not dare look at was Sirius. His arm was resting uncomfortably close to mine and he changed his position a little, giving my shoulders less room, so it would be more comfortable for me to lean against his side. Slightly suspicious, I moved my legs to the left and away from him and I leaned on the table, instead of against him. He waited for a couple of minutes, and sure enough, he put his arm on the back of my seat so that when I leaned back, I would be settled comfortably in the crook of his arm. I made a mental note not to do that. I didn't want to feel any more uncomfortable that I did already.

"Exploding snap anyone?"

Everyone except Lily, Sirius and I decided to play, so we were left to make conversation by ourselves while the others indulged themselves in the excitements of exploding snap.

"So, who was the guy you were with at the station?" Lily's question took me a little by surprise. I thought I felt Sirius stiffen next to me, but I was probably imagining it.

"Oh, that was Mark."

"Mark?"

"Yeah. He's Leah's - my sister's - fiancé."

"Oh, right. Well, she's a lucky girl. He is _hot_."

I had to stifle a giggle as I saw James look around. "He is," I agreed.

"Sorry, who is this person?" asked Sirius, looking mildly affronted. For the first time in a while, I had the courage (and the excuse) to look at his devastatingly handsome face. His face really was so perfect, and that was without the sculpted body… _concentrate, Rain. Now._

"Mark is my sister's fiancé," I said, quickly snapping out of my reverie. "He's a great guy. I'm glad she's with him - she usually goes for loser jerk types."

He made a silent 'o' with his mouth, seeming to be somewhat appeased. "Hey, I thought you said you didn't get on with your sister?"

"I didn't. But I do now."

Lily smiled widely, genuinely, at me. "I'm really happy you've sorted things out. That was bugging you for ages, wasn't it?"

I nodded. "It's sorted now though. It's nice having her back."

She smiled again and patted my hand.

I grinned. "You're like my grandmother, doing that."

Lily laughed. "How dare you!" she exclaimed, but she was still grinning.

My back was starting to ache from hunching over the table, and my elbows were starting to give way to the pain they were in from propping me up on the table. Completely forgetting the danger if I sat back, I did exactly that - I sat back. I feel straight into the trap and ended up leaning on Sirius' arm. Swallowing my fear, I looked around at him and to my amusement, I saw him smiling to himself.

"What are you grinning about?" I asked, though I suspected I already knew the answer.

"Oh, nothing," he said lightly and touched his eyebrow absent-mindedly with his free hand.

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

I shook my head and gazed out of the window. I thought about moving away, but Sirius' arm really was just too _comfortable _and besides, I was really quite happy there. After a few minutes, James and Lily exchanged a rare friendly glance when their side won exploding snap and I noticed that Ruby was too busy watching Remus to pay attention to winning the game. Peter was Peter, as always, trying hard but not getting anywhere. But Mary, sitting quietly, having played her hand, was looking at Sirius and me. She was smirking slightly, but when I caught her eye, she just smiled, shook her head and looked away. I would ask her what that meant later, when we were in our dormitory. For now, I was content simply just to sit next to Sirius and watch my friends.

I was enjoying life as it came.


	27. Felix Felicis

**Hey everyone! Again, sorry it's been such a long time again. I will try to get better at updating. A-Levels = fail right now. I just got a D in my Biology CAP. I have never had a D in my life until now. **

**Anyway, next chapter. As always, I hope you all enjoy it! And if you have time, a review to tell me what you thought would be lovely. :D**

**Love, Sapphira.**

* * *

For the first time in nine months, I was in front of the mirror again. My thighs had grown considerably since the last time I looked. My stomach larger than it used to be. My beautiful bones were not as prominent as they once had been, and I had breasts again. _You're getting fat again, you mean. _The bathroom was invitingly close. _Come on... _

No. I wouldn't return to that.

_I can help you get Sirius back again. I can make you beautiful. I'll __help__ you._

I wouldn't listen to that voice anymore.

_Can't you see what's happening? They're brainwashing you. I'm the only thing that can stop you from becoming that fat cow you were this time last year. _

No. No, no, no. Not again. Leave me alone.

_And let you end up fat and hated? Is that what you want?_

Stop it. I want you to go away. I'm not going to listen.

The voice became quieter. After a moment, I swallowed and tore my eyes away from the bathroom door, trying to collect myself together.

I put my hand in my pocket to pull out my wand, but my fingers met glass. Cool, hard glass.

* * *

**6 hours earlier**

"Felix Felicis! A tricky little potion to brew – definitely not for a faint-hearted potioneer! Because it takes six months to make, you will only be brewing the initial stages of it, but I expect you to do it well. You will also be writing an essay on it for me, so I suggest you pay careful attention this lesson."

"I swear his suit gets tighter every day," Ruby whispered to me, gesturing at Slughorn's new maroon outfit.

I stifled a laugh.

"Now, as it's a new year, I'll be putting you into different pairs to work with (apart from Lily and Severus, of course). So, going down the alphabet: Miss Allen with Miss Bellamy, Mr Black with Mr Connor..."

Sirius with David? That was likely to be a brilliant partnership, I thought to myself sarcastically. I could almost see them giving each other evils already.

"Mr Lupin with Miss Matthews, Miss Perkins with Mr Pettigrew, Mr Potter with Mr Price, Miss Rosier with Miss Sullivan..."

I looked across the room at Slytherin corner. Bertha Rosier. She was sitting behind Skye, scowling at me.

"And that's it! So each of you sit in your pairs – let's start as we mean to go on!"

I saw Bertha walking towards me, smirking. What I wouldn't do to be working with Sirius instead, like last year.

"Hello, Mudblood," she greeted me nastily.

I said nothing.

She sneered.

"Come on, then. Why did you decide to start making yourself puke?"

I didn't reply. Instead, I settled for curling my hand into a fist by my side, imagining what it would be like to hit her.

"Did you suddenly realise just how pathetic you are?"

"Piss off, Bertha," I snapped. Who did she think she was?

She pulled her wand out. "What did you just say," she hissed.

"I said, 'piss off'. Did you hear me that time?"

"Shut up, Mudblood," she spat.

I shook my head. "I'm going to get some hellebore."

Trying to calm down, I spent a little more time than was necessary in the store cupboards. Taking my time, I looked through all of the shelves, and Slughorn's pre-prepared potions. Among them, I found an example of the Felix Felicis we were supposed to be making, admiring its smooth golden colour. I looked behind me to see if anyone could see me – they couldn't.

And without thinking, I just took it. The glass of the bottle was cool underneath my fingers as I waved my wand over it, temporarily shrinking it so that I could fit it into my pocket. With another look over my shoulder to check no one was watching, I hurried back to my workbench – to Bertha. Yes, I could definitely use some luck.

* * *

Even after Potions was finished, Bertha still didn't leave me alone. She followed me after dinner when I left the Great Hall to go to the library.

"Alright, Mudblood?"

"What do you want, Bertha?"

"I think you should apologise, Sullivan," she said forcefully. Her face was right next to mine.

"That's nice," I replied in a blank voice.

"You swore at me earlier."

"Yeah. And?"

"Mudbloods don't swear at me."

I was starting to get annoyed. "Whatever," I answered.

"Especially not _fat_ ones."

I was too angry to think. I just threw myself at her, luckily knocking her wand out of her hand in the process. She screamed once, and then I aimed my fist at her mouth. That shut her up. I tried to hold her down by her neck with my other hand but she started to pull my hair. My head was forced backwards, at her mercy. I could see her bloody face from where I had punched her smirking above me as our positions switched and she slapped me – hard – and hit me just above my eye. Howling in pain, I grabbed her head and made to stand up, pushing her to the ground again. I kicked her in the stomach, winding her, and then, aiming squarely at her bony nose, in the face.

It seemed that those years with Leah were finally paying off. I definitely had the edge over her when it came to muggle fighting. But I had to admire the Slytherin determination. Despite having a broken nose and being covered in blood, Bertha still managed (somehow) to pull me back to the ground. She was heavier than I was; something she had obviously realised because she kept trying to use her weight to pin me to stone floor. Almost grinning to myself at her simple tactic, I seized her wrist and twisted it behind her back, just so she couldn't –

"WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE?"

We looked up. Bertha stopped trying to bite my arm and I let go of her wrist. I looked around briefly, shocked to discover that we suddenly had such an audience. It seemed like half of the school had just witnessed our display. And in the middle of them all: McGonagall.

Great.

"This is ridiculous behaviour!" she was shouting. "Both of you, in your final year and brawling like a pair of drunken muggles!"

"But Professor, she –" Bertha began.

"A week's worth of detentions for the pair of you! And twenty points from both Slytherin and Gryffindor – don't look at me like that, Miss Sullivan! Miss Rosier, I think you should pay Madam Pomfrey a visit. Miss Sullivan, you should get back to your common room. I'll deal with you later."

So we both slunk off in different directions; McGonagall was still watching. I picked up my wand and shoved it in my bag, bitterly regretting that I hadn't used a nasty hex on her. Madam Pomfrey could easily fix a broken nose.

The first person I saw bounding towards me was Mary. To my surprise, considering that I had just lost our house twenty points, she was grinning.

"Was that just me, or did you just completely maul Bertha Rosier?"

"No, I mauled her. Didn't do any lasting damage, though."

"Wow," she laughed. "You've _changed_, Rain Sullivan."

"Next time, I'll shave her moustache for her," I returned dryly. "At least then she might pass for a girl. I'd be doing her favour."

We giggled all the way up to the tower, until I turned my attention to the two foot Astronomy essay that needed finishing by tomorrow. Sighing, I opened my bag to retrieve some blank parchment and a couple of ink bottles, and began my essay.

During the evening, Sirius sidled up to me. He was seemingly intensely curious to know what had actually happened between Bertha and myself.

"So she definitely came off the worst, then?" he asked, looking concernedly at my rapidly forming black eye. He made to raise his hand I – to touch it, I thought – but then appeared to think better of the action.

"Don't insult me. She's lying in the Hospital Wing as we speak."

"You look very proud of yourself."

I smiled. "Yeah. It's not every day I 'maul', as Mary says, a Slytherin."

"No, it's not," he said, frowning. "Why the sudden change of character?"

"She was winding me up."

"Fair enough, but I always thought you were more the suffer-in-silence type?"

"Yeah, well. There's nothing wrong with punching someone in the face every once in a while."

"As long as it doesn't get to be a habit," he warned.

"Like you can talk," I replied resentfully. "Had a rendezvous with Snape recently?"

He scowled. "That's different."

I raised my eyebrows. "Of course it is."

He sighed. "Look, I don't want to patronise you, but you're not the biggest girl in the school. Just watch yourself, yeah?"

I stared at him. "For someone who doesn't want to be patronising, you really are doing a good job of making yourself sound like a sexist twat."

I began to walk away, irritated by his mini-speech, but he grabbed my arm and held it fast.

"I'm sorry. I... that came out wrong. I just meant: don't go making yourself any unnecessary enemies – not now, while Voldemort's on the loose."

"I'm not scared of them."

He ran his hand through his hair. "That's not the point."

"No – the point is, it's okay for you to go chucking your weight around, but when I hit someone for taking the piss out of me, that's totally unacceptable."

"I'm just trying to look out for you, okay? I don't want you to get hurt."

"Whatever. I'm going to bed." I tore my hand out of his grip and started marching towards the staircase.

"Rain, wait!" I heard him shout behind me.

"No," I called over my shoulder. "I'm going for a lie down – like a good girl. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Rain –"

But I'd already reached dormitory door before he could finish his reply.

I launched myself onto the bed, punching the mattress as if it was Sirius' head. Why was he so arrogant? Did he _want _me to turn into the yes-lady I had been last year? That attitude had turned me to anorexia, the very thing he had kept warning me against in his letters over the summer. What was wrong with hitting a Slytherin? All Bertha Rosier did was bully other people, and the only language she understood was violence. Really, I was doing the right thing. I was standing up for myself, just like he did. _He_ did it all the time. When was the last time he went easy on Snape? The hypocrite.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"What?" I snapped.

Lily crept around the edge of the door. "Just me," she said quietly. "You left this in the common room."

"Why did you bother knocking?" I asked churlishly, taking my astronomy essay from her. "It's your dormitory too."

She shrugged. "I didn't know if it was safe to come in. I heard you've started beating people up."

"Only for fun."

She sighed and sat down on the bed next to me. "Sirius is cursing himself out there."

"Good."

"He really does care about you, you know. You should have seen him last term when you were ill."

"He's a twat," I said in a strangled voice.

"Do you still like him too?"

"Like I said. He's a twat."

"That's a yes, isn't it?"

"Leave me alone, Lily."

She paused. "Why did you hit Bertha? It's not like you."

"She's a bitch."

"Well, yes, but that still doesn't explain why you hit her."

"I was angry."

"You were angry?"

"That's what I said, isn't it?" I snapped, sitting up.

"So why did you go off on one at Sirius before? Were you still angry?"

"He was annoying me. Apparently, it's okay for him to go around jinxing Snape all the time, but I can't hit Rosier when she goes out of her way to wind me up."

She pressed her lips into a thin line. "Well, be that as it may, he was really only trying to look out for you. He didn't mean anything by it."

"Didn't he? That's not how it sounded to me."

"Rain, you're blowing this all out of proportion. The poor guy cares about you. He just wanted to help."

"Yeah, well, he can keep his help to himself in future. You tell him that from me."

She snorted. "Tell him yourself. You're making a big mistake by refusing to talk to him."

"Am I," I said sarcastically.

"Yes, you are. Rain, Sirius really likes you – anyone can see that. And you clearly fancy him back, so why are you making this so difficult? Just go and talk to him and be_ happy."_

I scoffed. "Spoken to James recently? Why don't _you _go and talk to _him. _That would make him pretty happy. Might wipe that permanent scowl off your face as well, with any luck."

"Fine," she said angrily, standing up. "I'm not talking to you while you're like this. I'll be downstairs if you ever decide to come to your senses."

"Yeah, whatever," I said loudly as she moved towards the door. "Don't forget to slam the door on your way out."

The door slammed. My eyes started to water. What was I doing?

* * *

For the first time in nine months, I was in front of the mirror again. My thighs had grown considerably since the last time I looked. My stomach larger than it used to be. My beautiful bones were not as prominent as they once had been, and I had breasts again. _You're getting fat again, you mean. _The bathroom was invitingly close. _Come on... _

No. I wouldn't return to that.

_I can help you get Sirius back again. I can make you beautiful. I'll __help__ you._

I wouldn't listen to that voice anymore.

_Can't you see what's happening? They're brainwashing you. I'm the only thing that can stop you from becoming that fat cow you were this time last year. _

No. No, no, no. Not again. Leave me alone.

_And let you end up fat and hated? Is that what you want?_

Stop it. I want you to go away. I'm not going to listen.

The voice became quieter. After a moment, I swallowed and tore my eyes away from the bathroom door, trying to collect myself together.

I put my hand in my pocket to pull out my wand, but my fingers met glass. Cool, hard glass.

Felix Felicis.

It could solve all of my problems. It would help me sort things out with Lily and Sirius. Maybe my fellow Gryffindors wouldn't mind that I had just lost them twenty points. A bit of luck was exactly what I needed. It might even stop the self-hating voice come back again – for a while at least. Wasn't Felix the answer to everything?

With that thought in mind, I uncorked the bottle. I took a sip, then a mouthful. And waited.

The feeling the potion had given me as I crept down the stairs was literally magical. I felt like I could do anything, be anything. And there was no voice inside my head telling I couldn't unless I lost more weight.

And as I ventured into the common room, I overheard the following conversation:

"Let's face it, Pads. As lovely as she is, the girl's a head-case. She'll come round."

"Yeah. Hopefully."

"You know, Sirius, I don't get you. Why don't you just tellher how you feel?"

"I'm not talking about this now."

"Look. Next time you see her, go up to her, ask her for a private word and just _tell _her. That's all you have to do."

"What if she doesn't feel the same way?"

"Don't be a prick, Pads. You're a good-looking bloke – of course, she wants you. What's not to like?"

"You two look happy," I said before I even realised I'd planned on speaking.

Sirius looked up at me sharply, alarmed.

James winked at Sirius. "I _am_ happy."

"I've just been speaking to your one true love," I said dryly. "I don't think I put her in the best of moods. I reckon she wants you to go and cheer her up."

James suddenly perked up. "Really?"

"Sure. Just go easy on the 'Lilykins' name calling. She's not in the mood. Not that she ever is," I added as an afterthought.

James stood up, grinning. "Well then. I'll see you losers later. Oh, and er, Sirius?"

"What?"

"Good luck," he said with a wink, and then walked off.

Sirius groaned and put his hand over his eyes. "Remind me why he's my best mate again."

"Because you're both a pair of twats who bond well over hexing Snape."

A pause.

He gazed at me. "Look, Rain. I'm sorry about before. It just came out all wrong and I..."

Under Felix' orders, I shook my head. "It's fine. I was a bit annoyed that you weren't congratulating me on my victory against Bertha Rosier – that's all."

He smiled tentatively. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it."

"The thing is... " He put his hand on the back of his neck, seemingly struggling for words.

"Sirius, can we go outside?" I asked quietly.

He swallowed. "Um... yes. Of course."

I led him out of the portrait door and into an empty classroom.

"I missed you in Potions today," I said in a small voice, gazing at the floor.

I looked up to see his eyes widen. Felix told me to keep speaking.

"Sirius?"

"Yes?" he answered softly.

"I... when I said I wanted to be friends... that wasn't exactly what I meant." I swallowed and glanced up at him.

He took a small, hesitant step towards me. "So... what did you mean?"

I covered his hand with mine. "What do you think?" I whispered.

He looked at our entwined fingers with a shy smile. Gently, he pulled me closer to him so that we were touching: his chest on mine. My head tilted upwards and I closed my eyes, imagining the feel of his lips on mine once more. Until I didn't need to imagine it anymore.

Until it became real.


	28. Trusting a Liar

**Hey, everyone. I'm back again. I hope you all had good Christmases/New Years. As usual, I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever... but this update is slightly longer than usual to compensate :) ****My life has been crazy recently. **

**I read _The Bell Jar _yesterday. I can honestly say that Sylvia Plath is one of my favourite authors. Ever. I can't believe it's taken me so long to finally read it - my English teacher has been telling me what a wonderful novel it is for ages. **

**Anyway, on with the story. Quite a major Sirius/Rain relationship chapter, I think, so I hope you enjoy. I love you all for reading, and if you have time, please leave me a review to tell me what you thought.**

Much love, Sapphira.

* * *

Being Sirius' girlfriend again was different from the first time around. Instead of receiving the death glares from his exes and countless other girls, there were the awkward silences whenever I walked by, the false sympathy, and yes, the complete – albeit unspoken – shock that Sirius was with someone like me. It didn't worry me too much. I had other things at the forefront of my mind, but it didn't escape my notice.

Sirius himself was wonderful. Of course he was still ridiculously good-looking, and he was as smart and funny as ever, but now, there was something else. I had learnt to trust him. I felt able to talk to him properly, like a best friend. I could tell him things knowing that he wouldn't tell his friends, or laugh at me, or run a mile.

And most of all, we were happy.

It was hard to find time to spend together though. No one was letting me forget that NEWT year was upon us, and for me it was much worse than for anyone else. I had an impossible amount of work to catch up on from last year, and it I had already been forced to drop Charms because of the excessive workload. For now, I was just about managing to cope with Potions, Astronomy and Care of Magical Creatures. Transfiguration was more of a challenge, but I liked the subject and I didn't want to let it go.

I was now regularly staying up late into the night. My new bed time was usually at about half three, meaning that I was getting an average of four hours of sleep every day.

Tonight was no exception. It was two o'clock and I was still nowhere near finishing the Transfiguration essay I had been working on for the past five hours. The common room was silent. The only other person in here was Bernie Watts, who had returned from detention a couple of hours ago. By the rate at which his quill was moving, it was obviously that he was wishing to avoid another evening spent polishing the cauldrons in the dungeons. Sighing, I leant back in my chair and reread everything I had written. The introduction sounded good at least. It was when I reached the third paragraph that the essay seemed to fall to pieces. Frustrated, I crossed out 'morf' and replaced it with 'morph', and did the same again two sentences on.

"You've spelt your name wrong too," said a voice behind me.

I looked up at the top of the page and found he was right: instead of "Sullivan", I had written "Sulivun". I corrected it.

"Aren't you going to bed?"

I shook my head. "I've got to finish this before the morning."

Sirius smiled. "It already is morning."

"You know what I mean."

He sighed and began to play with my hair. "Why don't you ask McGonagall for some extra time? She knows how much you have to do."

"Because she'll tell me that I can't cope and that I need to go and see Dumbledore. She told me that last time."

"_Can_ you cope?"

"Yes."

He looked at me sceptically.

"I'm getting there. I just need a couple more weeks to sort everything out."

He didn't look convinced. "If you're sure…"

"I am. And anyway, what are you doing down here?"

"Came to see if you were still up," he said with a shrug.

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Nothing," He said innocently, but his eyes darted away from mine. "Just wanted to talk to you."

I raised my eyebrows. "At half past two in the morning? Right."

He looked a little uncomfortable, and said nothing.

"What aren't you telling me?"

He muttered something illegible.

"What was that?"

There was a pause. "Wanted to make sure you were still okay," he mumbled at last.

I drew back in surprise. "What?"

"Well, you've been so tired and stressed and not here… just thought you might slip so I…"

Oh he did, did he? I should have been – I _was –_ annoyed with him, but after the flash of anger, all I could feel was surprise that he cared so much.

"You're angry with me, aren't you?"

I shook my head. "I… No. It was a nice thought. It's nice that you care."

He looked at me, and then smiled as if he knew something I didn't – but before I could question him, he leant towards and kissed me firmly, lingeringly. I pulled away as I begun to run short of oxygen.

"You should go to bed," I told him softly.

"I should," he agreed, gazing at me. "So should you." He tried to kiss me again, but I turned my head away.

"I mean it, Sirius. You'll be tired tomorrow."

"So will you."

"Yes, but…"

He cupped my face gently in his hands. "I'm staying up with you."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"I have to finish this essay."

"Then you'll finish it even faster with my help."

"You staying up too is just pointless."

"Arguing about this is pointless."

I sighed. "Fine. But if I'm not done by three, you're going to bed."

"I'll go to bed when you do."

"Okay. You win."

He grinned. "That's the way I like it."

We spent the next hour in relative silence as I scratched down everything I could think of to do with Gamp's Law, while Sirius played with my hair and only spoke to patiently correct my mistakes. I was finally finished when the clocks chimed five. Finished with Transfiguration at least – there would be more assignments to do tomorrow.

"Done!" I exclaimed triumphantly, and I closed the textbook.

Sirius smiled sleepily. "Great."

I gazed at my boyfriend – the term still seemed strange – and felt a wave of gratitude wash over me.

"Go and sleep," I told him tenderly as I kissed him goodnight. "And thank you for staying up with me."

"Anytime," he replied, kissing me back.

I watched him amble up the stairs to his dormitory before I turned to my own.

* * *

Because we had stayed up so late, Sirius and I were only just in time for breakfast the next morning. Most of the good food had gone, leaving us with the dregs of pumpkin juice and cold bacon. Lily, Ruby, Mary and the rest of the Marauders had already left for Transfiguration.

I fiddled around with the food on my plate. It looked horrible. Why should I eat it when it was so disgusting? It was practically inedible. Hardly worth the calories.

Had I just thought that? _Hardly worth the calories. _It was only an offhand thought, I reasoned. If I decided not to eat the food, it would be because I genuinely did not like it – not because I was worried about my weight.

"Are you okay?" Evidently, Sirius' eyes missed nothing.

"Fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Why?" I shot back.

The familiar look of discomfort settled on his face. "You… the fork… I just…thought you might…"

"Excuse me?"

His eyes narrowed. "You know what I mean," he said, lowering his voice. "Don't pretend you don't."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I lied. He was starting to get on my nerves.

"Yes, you do," he hissed back.

I didn't reply.

"Why haven't you eaten any of your breakfast?" he asked quietly after a pause.

"It's easier not to. I'd have to go and make myself throw up if I did," I retorted nastily. "It's less hassle not to eat it in the first place."

For a moment, Sirius looked absolutely horrified. Then his expression turned to anger when he realised that I wasn't being serious.

"That's not funny," he told me furiously as I grinned appreciatively at my joke. "That's just sick."

"Good pun," I told him, biting back a laugh.

He stood up when he figured out what I meant.

Then he left when I failed to apologise.

I felt a pang of guilt as I saw him disappear out of the hall. I had deliberately wound him up until he flipped, and now he was angry with me. I sighed and finished my pumpkin juice. Why had I not just told him that I was not eating because I didn't like the food? Would that have been so difficult?

It was because he had tried to interfere. He was doing what always annoyed me: he was butting in. Sirius didn't really know anything about anorexia. He was not a healer; he was not a teacher. And yet he was still trying to tell me what I should and should not be doing – he had done that when I had punched Bertha Rosier last week. Lily had told me that he was only trying to help, that he just cared about me. If that was the case, he was doing completely the wrong thing to help me. I didn't want to be smothered or controlled. I wanted to be left alone to recover alone, with Martha's help.

I realised now that there was a big problem with our relationship.

While I had learnt to trust Sirius, _he did not trust me. _

_

* * *

_

Unsurprisingly, he did not speak to me throughout the whole of Transfiguration; instead he spent the lesson talking to James, who was sitting behind us.

For once, I tried to focus entirely on McGonagall.

The lesson dragged on and on. At one point I wondered if the clock at the front of the class was even working, but then the minute hand moved a fraction of a degree, and I realised that I was wrong. Finally, after what felt like ten hours, and not just the usual, two, the bell rang. I didn't bother trying to make conversation with Sirius. I could tell from the expression on his face that he had yet to forgive me, so I just walked towards the door, eager to get out of the classroom.

McGonagall called me back.

I could not help noticing that Sirius threw as a glance on his way out. I felt an odd emotion: part of me wanted to kiss him; the other wanted to hit him.

"How are you, Miss Sullivan?" McGonagall asked once everyone had left. It was her standard way of beginning conversation with me.

"Good, thank you Professor," I answered politely.

"I have been speaking to your other subject teachers. I think it would be in your best interests to drop another subject."

I sighed. "Another one?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Are you managing to keep up with your work?" she countered.

"Just about," I answered a little defensively.

She raised her eyebrows disbelievingly. "Hm."

A pause. "Not quite," I conceded eventually.

She nodded once. "You are taking Transfiguration, Potions, Astronomy and Care of Magical Creatures. I assume that you will keep Potions and Astronomy, so that leaves a choice between Care of Magical Creatures and Transfiguration."

I shrugged, non-committal.

"Is it an interest of yours to pursue a career that involves working with magical creatures?"

"No."

"Do you have _any_ long term career plans?"

No, I didn't. The only long term plans I had ever had was to be thin. Never had I thought beyond that. It was the only thing I had really worked for because it had been the thing that I had really cared about.

"I suppose I should start thinking about it," I answered eventually.

"You should." Her tone was quite severely. "And when you have, I would like you to come and see me."

"Yes, Professor."

"In the meantime, I suggest you speak to Professor Kettleburn about dropping Care of Magical Creatures. You will not be able to cope with more than three NEWTs."

"Yes, Professor."

"You could always consider dropping back a year, you know," she told me, peering over her rimmed spectacles at me.

"No," I said quickly, almost desperately. Dropping back a year was the last thing I wanted to do. "I don't want to do that. I'll drop Care of Magical Creatures."

She looked at me curiously for a moment. "Very well, Miss Sullivan."

I took that as my invitation to leave.

* * *

I had expected to have to prise Sirius away from the Marauders in order to get a chance to speak to him. I had been wrong. As I entered the common room, I saw that it was completely empty. Except for Sirius, who had moved his usual armchair slightly away from the fire, and was staring out of the window. I briefly wondered why there was nobody else here but him. Then I realised it wasn't important. At least no one would overhear our conversation.

I bit my lip, trying to find the courage to go and speak to him. I forced my legs to move.

He stared at me as I stood awkwardly in front of him. There was something hard in his expression, and he didn't speak.

"I need to talk to you," I said eventually, when it became evident that he was determined not speak first.

He just looked at me.

"I know you're angry with me," I continued slowly. "And I guess I know why. But you have to understand that questioning everything I do isn't going to help me. It's only going to make things worse."

He still didn't say anything. I felt the familiar irritation rising to the surface.

"This isn't easy for me, Sirius." I couldn't completely hide the annoyance in my voice. "I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but if you start going off on one every time I slip up then…" I trailed off.

"So this morning was a 'slip' then, was it?" he finally asked, glaring up at me.

I grit my teeth. "You're twisting what I'm saying."

He laughed bitterly, derisively.

I was starting to lose my patience. "See, this is what I don't get about you. You say that you hope I get better, that you know it's hard but you'll be there to help me. You _don't _know, Sirius! You don't know anything about it, but you're trying to act like my healer."

"Because I care!"

"Then stop acting like you know better than me! _I'm _the one who has spent months trying to deal with this. You don't know – you have _no idea _what this is like. You can't just say, 'Eat some cake and it'll all be fine'. It doesn't work like that!"

He gazed at me, shocked by my outburst, like he always was when I had something to say.

A pause.

"You don't trust me," I said lowly.

He looked up at me. He didn't reply.

His silent admission confirmed everything I already knew.

I smiled bitterly at the floor. "I knew it. You never have."

"How can I?" he exclaimed, heatedly. "You lied to me all last year. You lie all the time. Every time I ask you if you're okay, you lie. How can I possibly trust you after everything you've done?"

I looked at him emptily. "So I'm a liar," I repeated hollowly. "I've made it impossible for you trust me because I'm such a horrible person. Well, I'm sorry for being such hard work. How have you managed to put up with me all this time? An annoying, lying freak." My voice was sarcastic – but I wasn't sure that I meant it to be sarcastic. The words rang all too true.

There was a short silence before his eyes softened for the first time. "That's not what I meant," he said quietly. "Not at all."

His tone made me want to cry. "But it's true," I murmured unhappily. "I lied. Still do. I just… I can't help it. Everything's so hard. It's like… no matter what I do, it's still going to be there and I can't make it go away. I can hear it and even when it's not very loud, it's there, just waiting. And I know what it's waiting for – it's waiting for a bad moment and it'll catch me and I'll be back again, in the cycle. And I _can't _do it again. I'd rather die."

And then I was crying. I was crying so hard it was almost like I was trying to cry the pain out, cry the voice out of my head, so I didn't have to listen to it ever again. I barely registered Sirius' arms around me. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to forget everything – forget anorexia – so I could have a normal life. I didn't want to have to walk around with two voices in my mind anymore. I wanted my own voice, just mine, to exist in my head. I didn't want to controlled. I wanted to live like a normal person. Perhaps I would.

Someday.

* * *

"Do you _want_ to be with me, Sirius?" I asked bluntly, staring at the floor.

He looked up, shocked. "Of course, I do. What kind of question is that?"

I shrugged, not meeting his eyes. "So you're not with me out of pity, then?"

"No!"

"But you don't trust me," I repeated softly.

He looked uncomfortable. "Rain, I didn't mean…"

"Do you trust me?"

"I…" he trailed off.

"That's a no," I surmised. A pause, then I calmly continued. "Why would you want to be with someone you don't trust?"

He opened his mouth then closed it again, as if he was about to say something, but thought better of it. "I _do _trust you on most things," he said, slowly and deliberately. "But not when it comes to _you."_

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't care about yourself. You don't know how much I… how much we _care _about you. And you talk about anorexia like it's a joke. Like it's funny that you make yourself sick. You tried to kill yourself, for fuck's sake! Once you're dead, you're dead, gone. Normal people don't do things like that! And you wonder why I don't trust you?"

"I know I'm not normal," I hissed back. "I wish I was, but I'm not. If you can't deal with it, then you know what you can do."

He put his hand on the back of his head in frustration. "You always take the easy way out, don't you? Why can't we just talk about this instead of acting like children?"

"Says the person who gave me the silent treatment all day?"

Silence.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked quietly.

"Doing what?"

"Trying to pick an argument. Trying to get me to walk away."

"I'm not."

I was. I knew that I was winding him up; I was doing it on purpose. I couldn't help it. It just felt so nice to know that I wasn't the only person who was angry. That was why I had punched Bertha last week, why I had annoyed Lily, why I kept trying to argue with Sirius. I enjoyed it. All the anger that I felt towards myself was being unleashed on everybody else. I was making everyone hate me… _just as you deserve._

That voice.

"Leave me the hell alone!" I shouted. "Get out of my head!"

Sirius took a step back. He was shaking. "What?"

"I wasn't talking to you," I told him wildly.

A pause.

"But there's no one else in the room."

* * *

"I hear this voice."

"Okay…"

"It's not as crazy as it sounds. I promise you."

We were still sitting in the common room. The sun had just set and lessons would be over in a few minutes, for the day. It wouldn't be long before the masses of student flocked in and we no longer had the privacy of an empty room.

Sirius was leaning his head back in his armchair, looking at the ceiling, his face strained. I wondered if he was about to get up and leave. If I had been in his position, I think I would have. I was making myself sound like a crazy person. He didn't move.

"Do you really want to hear this?" I asked him doubtfully.

He nodded. "I want to understand you."

I almost laughed.

"I hear this voice inside my head. Well, it's not really a voice. You know when you see someone and you think something bad about them before you can stop yourself? It's like that. Sometimes I look at food, and I think, 'You shouldn't be eating that – you're too fat'. It's what I think before I realise that it's the anorexia and I have to ignore it. That's why it's like a voice – it says things and I can't stop it."

"Okay."

"'Okay' as in 'Okay, you're a freak', or 'okay' as in 'Okay, I know what you mean'?"

"Okay, as in I know what you mean."

"I'm glad you said that."

He looked at me, surprised. "What did you think I was going to say?"

I shrugged. "I _feel_ like a freak. I know I'm not acting normal but I'm just… this is hard, you know? I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm scared… I just need time to deal with everything."

He gazed at me tenderly. "What are you scared of?"

I felt the tears beginning to pool in my eyes. "That I'll fail. I want recovery, but I'm scared I won't get there. That you won't want me anymore because I'm such hard work."

"Rain, that won't happen. I promise you."

"I trust you," I said with a bitter smile.

He looked at me sadly. "I'm sorry."

I sighed. "Don't worry about it. I deserve it, I suppose."

He shook his head. "Don't think like that. It's my fault… and yours." He laughed without humour. "We're both to blame."


	29. Quidditch

**I'm back! Again, I'm sorry about the lack of updates recently... but better late than never. I hope you all enjoy this one. There might be a few typos here and there - for some ridiculous reason, it's 3.25 in the morning right now, and I'm up posting this. And as ever, thank you to my lovely reviewers.**

**Also, I'm planning to edit Chapters 1-15, or thereabouts. Nothing too major, but it would be nice to here what you all think. Thanks for reading! Love, Sapphira.**

* * *

"Lily, can I ask you a question?"

"If you have to."

I casually checked my nails, slightly annoyed at the way the polish had chipped on my right forefinger. "Why do you hate James so much?"

She paused, and pulled the brush through her hair slowly, as though she was debating what she was about to say.

"I don't hate him," she said finally.

"So… you like him, then?"

She put the brush down and sighed. "Does everything have to be an extreme? Just because I don't hate him, I must be in love with him?"

"I never mentioned anything about _love," _I replied smugly, purposely twisting her words.

She glared at me in the mirror; I stopped smiling. "What are you trying to say?"

I thought about my words carefully before I spoke. "I'm saying… that it's not a crime to have feelings for someone, Lily. Whoever they might be."

"I know that," she said immediately.

Lily knew everything.

"Maybe you should talk to him," I suggested.

She looked at me, aghast. "Why would I do that?"

"Lily, the only reason he acts like an idiot in front of you is because he fancies you like crazy. He's so nice when you're not around."

"Well, thanks for that," she answered sarcastically. "It's just me that turns him into a complete _toe rag_ then."

"You I didn't mean it like that."

She rolled her eyes. "Just because you've finally cleared up your issues with Sirius doesn't mean that the best friends have to hook up as well."

I ignored the jibe. "If you took some time to talk to him, you might even start to like him."

"I won't," she assured me.

I held my hands up in defeat. "Fine. Whatever you say. I just think you should think about it, that's all."

"Why? Some boy likes me so I have to say yes when he asks me out? What century are we in?"

"Since when did you become such a raging feminist?" I muttered, exasperatedly as I left the dormitory with my Gryffindor scarf.

We were playing Ravenclaw today. It was the second match of the season; the first had been Hufflepuff vs. Slytherin, with Slytherin easily winning. Sirius and James were both playing, and I had promised Sirius that I would turn out in full Gryffindor attire to support him.

"I've always been a feminist!" Lily exclaimed, following me. "You know the Equal Pay Act only came into force a couple of years ago, don't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"And there is still so much sexism _everywhere_. Men think they can do whatever they like, and women are just inferior beings. It's disgusting. I mean, this is 1977 for God's sake…"

Lily's rant petered out into an angry mumbling once we reached the Great Hall so I stopped listening. The Great Hall was crowded, as it always was before a match. I could see Skye sitting alone on the Slytherin table and made a mental note to speak to her when I had finished breakfast. I often wondered whether her decision to spend her time mostly by herself was by choice or by circumstance. Despite being close friends with her, it was something that I had never wanted to ask her in case I hurt her feelings or embarrassed myself.

Conveniently, Sirius was sitting opposite James, which meant that there only two spare seats on the table: one by Sirius and one by James. I quickly took the one by Sirius, leaving Lily with no option but to sit beside James. I gave her a sweet smile as she glared at me from the other side of the table.

"You look a bit green," I said sympathetically to Sirius, seeing his nerves.

He smiled at me and lifted his lips to meet mine as I bent to kiss him.

"Yeah. What went wrong with your make up, Pads?" James chipped in with a stupid grin, desperate to seem witty in front of Lily.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Hilarious. You're not going to impress her by knowing the word 'make up', James."

I grinned and looked at Lily but she stubbornly refused to meet my eyes. "Lily's all about feminism these days," I added. "She doesn't wear make up."

James stared at her in wonder.

"'She' _is_ here, you know."

"Not off burning more bras then, Evans?" Sirius asked dryly.

Lily glared at him too. "You think you're funny."

"Yes, I do," he agreed.

She pointed a finger at him. "You're arrogant."

He shrugged. "On occasion."

"Sirius, stop being so rude," James cut in, looking worried.

"_Sirius, stop being so rude,_" Sirius mocked crossly. "I'm not the one being rude, mate."

"I'm sorry, Lily," James said to Lily. "He's just feeling nervous about the match."

"Of course, he is," Lily replied sardonically, but she didn't say anything else, and opened the newspaper lying next to James.

Sirius rolled his eyes again and took a sip of pumpkin juice. There was a couple of moments of lingering uncomfortable silence, before Sirius turned to speak to me.

"Did you tell McGonagall that you're dropping Care of Magical Creatures?"

I nodded, sighing. "Yes. I'm going to miss it, though. I liked Care of Magical Creatures."

"You can always study it when you finish Hogwarts," Sirius reasoned.

"I know. It's just… everyone else is going to have five NEWTs, and I'm going to end up with three."

My time away from Hogwarts had really messed up my education. The high-flying careers - namely, healing and becoming an auror - were closed to me. I had thought about perhaps becoming a teacher and returning to Hogwarts when Professor Bakshi retired from his post in Astronomy. But then, there was no guarantee that I would get the job if I applied for it, and of course, there was the fact that Bakshi probably wouldn't retire for years yet - which meant that I would still need to find some other job to do in the meantime. I had considered working for the Ministry, but like healing, that door was no longer open for me. Besides, being in the Ministry had hardly been one of my childhood dreams. And that left Potioneering. Again, it had never been my life ambition, although admittedly it was preferable to spending the rest of my life working in Madam Malkin's.

"Anyway," I began, shaking off the anxiety that crept up on me whenever I dwelled on my future. "How are you feeling?"

Sirius pulled a face. "Bit edgy, but I'm okay."

"I don't remember you being this nervous last year," I observed thoughtfully.

"That's probably because you didn't fancy me last year," Sirius remarked dryly. "You wouldn't have noticed."

"I _did _fancy you last year."

He looked at me doubtfully. "Not until… actually when did you start to like me?"

I shrugged. "Hogsmeade? I think that was my defining moment."

He seemed slightly disappointed. "Only then?"

I felt uncomfortable. "Well… yeah. I mean, you were hardly Mr Charming to me at the beginning of the year, were you?"

It was his turn to look uncomfortable. "That wasn't because of you. I was feeling really low after leaving home and I just… I took it out on you."

"And then there was Skye," I pressed on, doing my best to harden my heart against the regretful expression in his eyes. "You treated her pretty badly."

He narrowed his eyes. "She's a Slytherin."

"They're not all bad. _She's_ not."

"Most them are," he replied, and I saw him glance at his brother.

I sighed and let the subject drop.

"Where's Ruby and Mary?" I asked Lily, suddenly noticing their absence.

"Mary's in the library and Ruby's still in bed," she answered, looking up from the _Daily Prophet._ Her lips made a fine line of disapproval as she mentioned Ruby's name.

"Wish I was still in bed," I muttered. "It's Saturday. Why does Quidditch have start so early?"

Lily stared at me. "It's half past nine!"

"Yeah," I agreed. "_Early_."

"I've been up for three hours already."

"Well, you're just special."

She scowled at me over her newspaper, and helped herself to more toast. Gazing at the food on the table, and feeling a little uneasy, I copied her and took a slice of toast. Eating was getting slightly easier, but I still could not bring myself to eat bread and croissants in the quantity that the others did.

Lily gasped as she turned a page.

"What?" James and I exclaimed in unison.

"Amelia Bones' parents have been murdered," she responded, horrified.

"Amelia? But she's… that's horrible," James murmured. "Horrible."

Lily nodded weakly. "The Dark Mark was found above their house last night. Two people gone - just killed. It's sick."

"And Amelia," I added softly. "One minute everything's fine, and then the next she's lost both of her parents. Imagine having to deal with something like that." I shook my head sadly. "She must feel like her whole world has just collapsed."

There was a moment's silence as we all thought about Amelia. She was a lovely girl - a sixth year Hufflepuff. How anyone could do something like that to her… it was unthinkable.

"It makes it seem so _real_," James said hollowly after a while. "There's going to be so many more Amelias. People are going to die. It feels like nothing can touch us inside of Hogwarts - but this… it's real. There's a war going on, and at some point, we'll have to fight."

* * *

"I think you're clear on the David front."

I looked up. "What?"

"He's going out with Hera Kinlan," Skye informed me.

"Hera Kinlan?" I repeated, thinking the name sounded unfamiliar. "What house is she in?"

"Ravenclaw, same as him. She's nice."

I smiled. "Good. I'm pleased for him."

"So am I. His mooning over you was getting a bit boring," she replied, winking.

I cringed. "Well, I'm glad he's over it. I knew it would fizzle out."

Skye grinned. "Of course, you did."

"What about you?" I asked after a moment's pause.

"What do you mean?"

"Have you got anyone… you know…" I let the question hang in the air. I expected her to deny it immediately; to my surprise, she didn't.

"I… might," she answered uncomfortably, her eyes moving away from mine.

My mouth fell open. "Really?"

"No need to sound so surprised," she laughed, regaining some of her composure.

"No, I wasn't… I didn't mean…"

She waved her hand dismissively. "I know. Listen, I'll tell you about it later. I think someone's waiting for you." She gestured towards the bottom of the staircase, where Sirius was standing, with his quidditch robes slung over his shoulder, watching me.

"You _will _tell me later," I told her, smiling. "I'm already excited."

She rolled her eyes good naturedly. "Later."

I laughed, and turned away.

I was pleased that David had finally managed to find himself another girl, and thankfully this time, it didn't seem to be a ploy to make me jealous. His feelings for me had caused both of us nothing but upset, and he had obviously realised that he was wasting his time. He had moved on, and I was glad.

As for Skye… I wondered who her mystery (soon-to-be) boyfriend was. He was probably another Slytherin. As a general rule, the Slytherins kept themselves to themselves much more than any other house - although our friendship was clearly a testament to the fact that there were exceptions.

"How are the nerves?" I asked Sirius as he took my hand.

He grinned. "Bearing up. How are _your_ nerves?"

"Huh? Why would I be nervous?"

"Well… it's just… Madam Hooch is refereeing, and the thing is…"

"What?" I asked, feeling a little worried.

"It's been going on for a while, but I need to be honest with you now. Rolanda Hooch and I are seeing each other."

My throat tightened. "Really?"

He burst out laughing. "Rain, are you for real!"

After a moment's consideration, I began to smile. "You were quite convincing."

He shook his head, still laughing. I waited for the hysterics to subside.

"Honestly, though. You're not seeing anyone else are you? Not even McGonagall?" I added McGonagall as an afterthought, trying to make the question seem like a joke.

"Not even McGonagall," he responded, smiling and kissing me.

"Well, that's my mind at ease." Actually, I felt a little shaken up. Sometimes, Sirius' jokes weren't as funny as he thought they were.

"Evans walked to the pitch with James, you know," Sirius mused.

My jaw dropped. "Did she?"

He nodded. "While you were talking to your Slytherin friend."

"That's odd. I asked her about James before breakfast…"

"Oh?"

"She was still in denial." I shrugged. "Maybe she's had her moment of realisation."

"I told James that I would ask you if she ever talks about how she feels about him. Can I ask you, or is it… confidential?"

I hesitated. "She doesn't really say anything that he wouldn't guess. And even if she did…"

"You wouldn't tell me," he finished simply, coming to a halt as we reached the changing rooms.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise," he said fervently. "I shouldn't be putting you in an awkward position. She's your best friend; I understand that."

"Thank you, Sirius."

He smiled and bent down to kiss me again, lingeringly this time. "Anytime."

* * *

I made my way to the Gryffindor stands, unable to believe how quickly the seats had filled up: only a few minutes ago, they had been almost empty. Now, the only space among the seventh years I could see was by Peter, so I quickly scurried to take it before anyone else could, smiling at Peter as I sat down.

Peter had always been a subject of interest to me. Despite lacking the good looks and intelligence that James, Sirius and Remus were proud possessors of, he had still managed to squeeze himself into the most popular group in our year. I assumed it was out of pure perseverance - that, and the fact that he shared a dormitory with them, so in reality, I supposed it would have been hard for the other Marauders to escape him, even if they had wanted to. Having said that, I had shared a dormitory with Maria Chen for over six years now, and we were hardly close friends. Perhaps Peter had a certain je ne sais quoi about him that I had never noticed before. Maybe there was more to him than met the eye.

I was brought out of my reverie by the shrillness of Madam Hooch's first whistle. I grinned wryly to myself as I thought of Sirius' earlier joke. Now that I was away from Sirius, I was able to think more clearly, and I could see the funny side of it.

"Captains, shake hands!"

I watched as James cordially shook hands with the Ravenclaw captain. There was always a much better feeling about the matches when Slytherin were not playing.

Sirius was wearing his quidditch robes, which definitely suited him, but I couldn't help thinking that the look could have been improved even more with a little more skin showing. I felt myself turn a little pink when I realised that my musings had resulted in me missing the starting whistle.

Being used to football, quidditch was always a treat for me to watch. The blur of the players, particularly the drama of the seekers, had fascinated me ever since I joined Hogwarts. The fast pace of the game was incredible; football paled in comparison.

As I had expected, James scored the first goal of the match. His mid-air victory dance elicited loud cheers from the Gryffindor crowd and I found myself laughing out loud at the Ravenclaw keeper's facial expressions.

"They're good, aren't they?" Peter said to me, in admiration, as Sirius hit a bludger directly towards a Ravenclaw chaser, and James promptly collected the quaffle as it fell from his arms.

"They are," I agreed, gazing fondly at Sirius. "What about you? Have you ever tried out?"

Peter shook his head, his eyes still fixed on James. "I'm no good at quidditch. I'm no good at anything much," he sighed, turning towards me.

"I'm sure that's not true," I reasoned. "Everyone's good at something."

"Not me," Peter sighed. "The only thing I'm good at is getting bad grades."

"What do you take?"

"Muggle Studies, Herbology, Astronomy, Charms and Transfiguration. I'm failing all of them while James and Sirius are getting O's across the board. Without doing any work."

"Maybe you should stop comparing yourself to James and Sirius," I suggested gently. "They're just unusual. Most people have to do loads of work just to pass."

"I suppose so. But it's hard to ignore."

"You could get them to help you. They wouldn't mind, surely?"

Peter smiled bitterly. "I wish. They've got better things to be doing."

I was taken aback. That didn't sound like James and Sirius, and especially not Remus. "Better things to do than helping their best friend?" I asked incredulously.

He shrugged. "We don't have that much spare time anyway. James is always off doing Head Boy things, Sirius always wants to be with you, and Remus is… well… he can't either."

I suddenly felt a wave of guilt: was my relationship with Sirius hurting Peter?

"Peter… if you want Sirius to help you, I don't want to get in the way. He was your friend long before he had anything to do with me. You're more important to him than I am."

He laughed derisively. "Me, more important to Sirius? Somehow I _really_ doubt that."

"I'm sorry if I - "

"It's not _you_," he said hastily, suddenly realising that he had offended me. "It's not your fault. It's mine for being so damn stupid."

I suddenly felt very sorry for him. "I could help you, if you want," I offered. "I'm no good at Transfiguration or Herbology, but I could help you with Astronomy. And I grew up in the muggle world, so Muggle Studies shouldn't be a problem."

His face lit up. "Really? You'd do that?"

"Of course. And Ruby might help you with Charms, if you ask her."

"Thank you, so much," Peter effused. "That means a lot."

"You're welcome."

He grinned, and pulled out a box of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. "I got these from my mum yesterday. Would you like one?"

_Sweets. _Full of sugar and needless calories. But, glancing at Sirius who had just narrowly missed getting hit by a bludger himself, I accepted.

"What flavours have you got?" I asked carefully, noticing that there weren't many sweets left.

"There's some good ones in here," he said enthusiastically. "Liver, I think that one is. Tripe, Worcestershire Sauce, Squid…"

Having been thoroughly put off, I picked out a red sweet that I hoped was cherry.

Peter smiled manically at me. "I think my favourite flavour is mucus."

I stared at him.

"It's actually quite nice," he assured me. "They taste better than real mucus."

"Oh."

He shoved the box towards me. "Want another one?"

"Um… no. I'm alright, thanks, Peter."

He shrugged merrily and fished out another sweet. "Ooh, I think I've found a toe nail flavoured one!"

"Toe nail?" I repeated weakly.

He nodded vigorously. "Sure you don't want one?" he asked with his mouth full, spraying me with pieces of chewed toe nail bean.

"I'm sure, Peter," I answered faintly, staring at a pool of saliva that had landed on my arm. "Quite sure."


	30. Turning Point

**Hey, everyone! As usual, I'm so sorry for the delay (it's been like 6 months since I last updated) and I really am going to start updating more frequently. I promise. Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter; it really does mean a lot. I hope you like this chapter - some things in it are possibly a bit unexpected but I hope it works anyway. Thank you for reading, and if you have time, please leave a review to tell me what you thought. **

**Love, Sapphira**

* * *

Winter was starting to set in. The warm tones of the dead brown leaves that lay scattered outside were now covered with a thick layer of snow, and everything - even the highest turrets of the castle - was white.

I had always thought that Hogwarts was very beautiful at this time of year. This particular year it seemed even more so: perhaps because I knew it would be the last winter I would spend here as a student. It was a thought that regularly occupied my mind at each marked point in the year - at Halloween, the fifth of November, and now winter. Time seemed to be seeping through my fingers before I knew where it had gone.

It was during one of these moments, where I was worrying about how much I would miss Hogwarts when I left, that Sirius rested his head above mine. We had just been play-fighting in the snow, and tired, we were sitting next to each other on a stone wall.

I smiled as I felt his left arm snake around my body, pulling me closer to him. It felt wonderful to be so near to him.

Then, out of nowhere:

"I love you, Rain."

My heart stopped. I couldn't say anything.

Seconds passed.

I heard him sigh but he continued to hold me.

Desperate to say something, I stared at the floor, trying to find some inspiration without looking up. Then-

"Do you believe in it?"

He started. "In what?"

What was I going to say? And then, gazing at my hands, I blurted out: "Palm reading."

I could almost feel his bewilderment. "Palm reading?"

"Yes. Do you believe in it?"

"Uh… well, I'm not sure. I was never any good at Divination, but that doesn't mean that it's all complete bullshit."

"Oh," was all I could reply.

An awkward minute.

"Do _you_ believe in it?" he asked weakly, eventually.

"I don't know," I answered, more bluntly than I intended.

"Oh. Okay then."

* * *

"So let me get this straight. He said he loved you and you started talking about palm reading?"

"That's the general gist of it, yes."

Lily stared at me. "_Why_?"

"I couldn't think of anything to say."

"How about: 'I love you too'?"

"Yes, I know that seems like an easy solution _now, _Lily, but in the moment, things weren't that simple."

She looked like she was about to spontaneously combust. "Not that simple? Merlin, your life must be like a blank piece of parchment if saying you love someone back isn't 'that simple'!"

"Have you said it to James lately?" I retorted snidely.

She sniffed. "This isn't anything to do with me."

"I'd still like to point out that you are guilty of the exact same thing I am."

"Really?"

"Really."

We glared at each other.

"Maybe I _don't _love Sirius," I said shrugging my shoulders. "Maybe that's why I didn't say it back."

"Oh, please," Lily returned, rolling her eyes. "That's a joke."

I huffed. "Well, so is your pretend hatred for James. Anyone can see that you fancy him. Badly."

"At least I'm not as bad as you."

"Excuse me? Who just ignored her boyfriend when he said he loved her?"

"Shut up."

"Fine."

And I rolled off the bed and left the dormitory.

As I made my way down to the common room, I saw a terrified-looking Ruby hurrying towards our dormitory. I called after but she ignored me. I bit my lip and hesitated, trying to work out whether this was a situation where I should give her some time on her own or go and comfort her. In the end I decided on a compromise; I would wait for a bit and then find out what was wrong.

Feeling awkward, I lingered by the portrait door entrance, until I was accosted by someone with mousey-brown hair and watery blue eyes.

"Hello, Peter," I acknowledged him, as he stood by me, grinning.

Since our conversation at the quidditch match, I had started to help Peter with his studies. Although I enjoyed helping him, I had not taken into account how difficult the task would be when I first offered to do it. Peter was not particularly intelligent, and it took him much longer than I expected to grasp new concepts. It was not uncommon for me to have to explain things in five different ways for him to understand what I was talking about. He was a difficult pupil to say the least, but I was beginning to get a lot of satisfaction from teaching him. His lack of understanding helped me to see topics in new ways. My knowledge over his ignorance improved my confidence. And most of all, his triumphs felt like my triumphs too.

"I just got my Muggle Studies test back," he said, his grin stretching wider, if that was possible.

Forgetting Ruby for a moment, I turned to Peter with genuine interest. "Oh, really? How did you do?"

"I got an A," he said proudly. "It's the first time I've passed a test in _ages_."

"That's brilliant, Peter," I congratulated him. "Well done."

"It's thanks to you," he said a little shyly, looking up at me.

I shook my head. "_You_ sat the test, Peter. _You _got the grade. You did it yourself."

"But I couldn't have done it without you," he insisted, looking at me intensely. "I never understood any of what you taught me before."

I smiled. "Thanks, Peter."

"Will you… um…" he glanced around nervously. "Will you keep… helping me?"

"Of course, if you want me to."

His expression broke into a smile. "That would be great."

I smiled back.

Then his face dropped as he seemed to suddenly remember something. "Would you give this to Sirius?" He drew a book from his bag. "He'll need it back before tomorrow, and… well, you'll probably see him before I do."

I didn't register taking the book from Peter. I don't really remember saying, "Sure, no problem." The mention of Sirius' name had my stomach twisting itself in knots. It suddenly hit me what had just happened. He had said he loved me and I had just... What was I supposed to say to him when I next saw him?

Did I love him back? I had never thought about it much before. All I had known was that I liked him a lot, that he made me feel giddy when I saw him, that his happiness was more important than mine, that… then I realised. I _had _loved him, but I had never connected the dots. I had never been in love with someone before so I hadn't recognised the feeling when it came to me. But there it was. I was in love. It was a weird sensation. I wasn't sure that I understood it.

I had to tell Sirius. I _wanted _to tell Sirius. Soon.

I remember the book that Peter had given me, and an idea occurred to me. Looking around the common room, I saw some blank parchment and a quill - there was always some left around from people who hadn't finished their homework.

Thinking hard, I dipped the quill into some ink and began to write four words on the parchment. I tore the excess parchment off, and slipped the note inside the book.

Thinking that it would look weird to go up to the boys dormitories alone, I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could to try to escape detection, and the instant I was inside Sirius' dorm I shut the door behind me so that no one passing could see me inside. I laid down the book in the middle of his bed, careful to leave part of the note sticking out so that he would see it and read it.

As I turned to leave the room, I noticed the huge poster stuck to the door. It was a photograph of all four of them, laughing and smiling at the camera. Sirius and James were in the middle, with Peter next to James, and Remus next to Sirius. The poster was covered in writing, and additional small photographs were stuck to the main. Small thought bubbles surrounded James' head, each one saying something vaguely sexual about Lily. I recognised Sirius' handwriting there. Above James' head there was a drawing of a girl's hand, with the caption, "under Lily's thumb". Again, I recognised Sirius' handwriting. I moved to look at the picture of Sirius, smiling fondly when I realised James had written similar things about me.

A door closed above me. I decided it was time to leave.

I made my way up to my own dormitory, wondering how best to approach Ruby. It was clear that there was something wrong, especially as Ruby wasn't one to easily get upset. I was worried.

She was sitting on her bed, back towards the door.

I called her name softly.

She didn't reply.

I went to sit by her, but she still wouldn't look at me.

"What's wrong, Rube?" I asked gently.

She sniffed and I saw her eyes glisten.

I put my arms around her, and tried to comfort her silently.

She stayed still. She made no move to hug me back.

"Ruby, please tell me what's wrong."

She shook her head - the first movement I had seen from her.

"I can't tell you," she whispered.

"Of course, you can, Ruby," I pleaded. "I can help you."

"No, you can't. No one can help me."

"Why? What have you done that's so bad?"

She shook her head again, too upset to speak.

"Please, Ruby. Just tell me."

She stayed still, her body shaking with sobs.

"I won't tell anyone else, I promise. Not if you don't want me to."

She turned to gaze at me, bit her lip and swallowed to control her voice.

"I think… I'm _late_."

"Late?" I repeated, nonplussed. "What for?"

She gazed meaningfully up at me, tears welling in her eyes.

A moment passed, and then I froze, struck with sudden understanding. "How late?" I whispered, after a tense pause.

"Late enough." Her voice was shaking. She wiped her eyes and cleared her throat. "I mean… I'm not saying I'm as regular as clockwork but… four weeks? That's not coincidence."

"And the throwing up," I said softly. "That wasn't a stomach bug, was it?"

Ruby sighed. "No. I thought it was… at first… and then this morning, it just clicked. I saw all the signs… I…" she broke off.

"Just didn't connect the dots," I finished for her, meeting her eyes. "And Remus?"

"Doesn't know," she replied a little bitterly. "I wish _I_ didn't."

A silence.

"How did it happen, Ruby?" I asked gently.

"We'd been talking about… you know… for a while. And then… it was a few weeks ago, in his dormitory."

"Didn't you use… protection? A condom or something?"

She shook her head miserably. "I thought it would all be fine - he had said that he couldn't have children, and we were both virgins, so I just… _assumed_ that nothing would happen." She laughed bitterly.

"He said he couldn't have children?"

"Yeah. I didn't ask why."

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

New tears formed in her eyes. "My parents will hate me. Dad has spent years telling me not to get pregnant and Mum probably won't ever speak to me again. They'll make me have an abortion. And Remus… I just feel… what if someone aborted me? I was like this once," she cried, cradling her stomach. "What if my parents had aborted me? But then there's my exams… I'd have no NEWTs, no boyfriend, no family… and I'm seventeen. What kind of mother would _I_ be? You know what I'm like. I can't even look after myself! How could I look after a child?"

"I think you'd be a great mum. But it's your decision, Ruby," I told her, hugging her tightly.

"Is it?" she asked miserably, looking up at me. "What if I don't want to decide?"

"You have to, Ruby," I replied gently. "And you have to tell Remus."

She gazed at the walls. "Do I?"

"It's his baby too. Don't you think he has a right to know?"

Her eyes hardened. "He's not going to be the one carrying this child. It's a _woman__'__s_ right to choose."

Ruby's news had knocked me for six.

After dinner, I drew my cloak around me and ventured outside to clear my thoughts.

Ruby, pregnant? Ruby. Pregnant. The words didn't make sense to me. It was like it was impossible to fit them into a sentence; they just didn't belong. And yet, it was real. It was happening.

There was nothing I could do.

It's a horrible realisation to come to - that you can't help your friend. I could support her, whatever she decided. I would be there for her, but I couldn't make everything okay for her. I hated the thought of it.

"Rain?"

Sirius. In spite of everything, my heart still leapt when I heard his voice. I wondered if he had read the note I left him; I hoped he had.

"Hey, Sirius."

He continued walking towards me until he was close enough to take me in his arms, which he did. He pressed me so closely to himself, kissed my forehead and then my lips so tenderly that I was left in no doubt that he had received the note.

We stayed cuddled together for a while. His embrace was so comforting that I didn't want to leave it.

"I used to hate that book, you know," he whispered softly. "But I don't anymore."

I pulled away from him gently so that I could look him in the eye. "I meant it, Sirius."

He gazed at me, and held my face in his hands. "I love you."

And this time it was simple, just as Lily had said.

I took his hands in mine, kissed them, and smiled up at him. "I love you too."


	31. Decisions, Decisions

**Hello everyone. As always, I'm sorry that there's been such a long wait for this chapter. Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me continue this story during the last year; I really don't think I would be updating now without you all. I started this story nearly four and a half years ago, and now, I think it's time to begin bringing it to a close. There'll probably be about another two or three chapters (maybe a couple more), including an epilogue. **

**I hope you enjoy reading, and if you have time, please leave me a review - your comments mean so much to me :)**

* * *

Under pressure from keeping Ruby's secret but elated that my relationship with Sirius was at its best, I spent the next few weeks in a blur of confusion. For myself, I was used to things being either wholly bad, or more rarely, things being wholly good – but watching Ruby in tumult while my own life seemed to be relatively on track was a new, different type of unpleasant.

I quickly realised that I was the only person who knew about Ruby's pregnancy. Lily, Mary and to my disapproval, even Remus, were clearly oblivious to what was happening. Being Ruby's sole confidante worried me: if I was the only one she was seeking advice from, surely whatever decision she arrived at would be partly due to my influence. In any case, the frequency of our whispered conversations was starting to get more and more noticeable. All too often, we caught worried glances from Sirius or worse, suspicious questions from Lily.

"I still think you need to tell him," I would say relentlessly.

Again and again, she would reply, "Why should I?"

And then one day, we were caught out.

"You've got to make a decision soon, Ruby. You can't have an abortion after 24 weeks. Time's running out."

"Don't you think I know that?" she hissed.

"I'm just saying. It takes time to book it and everything. You won't have a choice for that much longer."

"And what kind of choice is it? Either way, this pregnancy will be the biggest mistake of my life. Don't you see? If I keep it, I will never be the same again. If I don't, the abortion will prey on my mind forever. Whatever I decide, I will always wonder, "what if?" That's why this isn't as simple as you seem to think."

I sighed and turned to hug her – then I heard it.

We were sitting by the fire in the common room, both in our favourite armchairs, as being in our last year had earned us the privilege to do. It was the middle of the afternoon on a Thursday so it was only Ruby and I (both with a free period) in the common room – or so we had thought.

The sound of footsteps is of such a distinct pitch and rhythm that it is almost impossible to mistake it for anything else. The footsteps I heard were light and slow, like someone trying to creep away undetected.

"Did you hear that?"

Ruby's face fell. "What?"

I darted round to the other side of the chair, but in the words of the cliché, _there was no one there._

"What?" Ruby repeated frantically.

"I thought... I swear..."

"What?!"

"I could have sworn I heard footsteps," I responded, bewildered.

Ruby stared at me for a moment, and then raised her wand. "_Homenum revelio."_

Nothing happened, except for the squeak of someone's pet rat behind me.

We both breathed a sigh of relief.

"Crazy woman," Ruby muttered, moving to pick the rat up.

"It must have just been squeaking or something," I said, confused.

A pause.

"It's quite an ugly rat, isn't it?" she said distastefully.

"Well, rats aren't exactly known for their good looks."

"True," she admitted and let it go.

* * *

I had always hated sitting next to Lily in Transfiguration. Few things annoyed me as much as the sound of her quill continuously scratching boundless notes onto her parchment, while mine hovered in the air for the majority of the lesson. That day especially, I was in no mood for her constant badgering.

"Why aren't you taking notes?" she hissed at me, while I doodled on the side of my textbook.

"Because, Lily, I find that at this precise moment in time, I will benefit most from the casual sketching you see before me."

"Don't be so ridiculous," she snorted.

"What's ridiculous about a stickman?"

"What _are _you talking about?"

"That's what I've drawn – a stickman."

She rolled her eyes.

"It's not my fault that you're not artistically minded, Lily."

She sniffed. "What exactly is so artistic about a stickman?"

"You wouldn't know, being a notes enthusiast. Myself, on the other hand, I like to think that – "

"Just shut up and let me concentrate."

I often found that the best way to survive through Transfiguration was just to annoy her back. Usually, she would get so thoroughly irritated by me that she would spend the rest of the lesson ignoring me, which in my opinion, suited us both.

Between sketches, I distracted myself by staring at the back of Sirius' head. His hair was so dark and sleek, so different from my own that I could just...

"You do know that drool is starting to dangle from the side of your mouth?"

"Oh go away, Lily."

After Transfiguration, I was hoping to steal a few moments with Sirius before he left for his next lesson, but instead I was accosted by Peter.

"Rain, have you got a moment?" he wheezed.

"Um... well, just..." Sighing, I saw Sirius smile at me over his shoulder, before he disappeared round the corner with James. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing... that is, I'm struggling a bit with my Muggle Studies at the moment and I've got a test this afternoon..."

"Oh okay. Do you want me to help you study for it after lunch?"

He smiled at me. "Would you? I think that would really help."

"Sure, no problem. Shall I meet you in the library at half one? I have a free period then."

"Thanks, Rain." He grinned at me, slightly manically.

Five seconds later, and he was still grinning and staring at me.

"Right," I said awkwardly. "Well, I'd better go then, Peter."

I sidestepped around him and walked as quickly as I could in the direction of the Great Hall before he could follow me.

I liked Peter, but I liked him in the same way people like a three legged cat: I felt sorry for him. He was always in the shadow of his three friends, particularly James and Sirius; he was not as popular, as clever, and certainly not as good-looking, as they were. I suppose that in a way, I also empathised with him. I had been so used to standing Lily's shadow that I could understand how he must feel.

Yet I was also starting to wish that I had never offered him help. Just as he had managed to cling onto a friendship with the other Marauders, he was now beginning to attach himself to me, and I did not like it. He always seemed to manage to find me at the most inconvenient of times, and always with that peculiar grin on his face.

Glancing over my shoulder once again, I decided that I was far enough away from him to slow my pace slightly. I resolved to put Peter out of my mind. He could be irritating and at times, downright revolting, but he was harmless enough – it was unfair of me to think of him in such terms.

I took my usual place on the Gryffindor table and was surprised when Sirius and James sat down next to me a few seconds later.

"I thought you two had Defence Against the Dark Arts now?"

"Creswell's off sick," James explained thickly through a huge mouthful of roast chicken.

"Thanks for spewing bits of your dinner in my face," I replied grimly.

"Sorry."

"I saw Peter whining at you again," said Sirius, changing the subject.

"He doesn't whine," I replied cheerfully, trying to live up to my resolution but privately thinking that Sirius was right.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "He's the whiniest person I've ever met. All he does is whine."

I hesitated. "He's not that bad," I said eventually.

"Yes, he is," James argued, this time spraying Sirius with mashed potato. "I mean, I know we're friends and everything but – "

"Prongs, come on! These robes are new!"

"Since when did you become such a girl?" demanded James, taking a swig of Pumpkin juice.

"Shut up."

"Why are you in such a hurry anyway?" I asked.

"Quidditch," Sirius explained. "We're doing the first round of trials after lunch."

"Oh, right," I commented, interested. "Which position?"

"Chaser," Sirius answered, pausing. "Why don't you try? You fly really well. Plus, it would be a great chance to try out that new broomstick your mum got you in the summer."

"I don't know," I answered uncertainly. "I don't think I'm good enough for the team."

He looked a little disappointed. "Why do you always put yourself down? What makes you think that you're any worse than everyone else?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "I've not practised in ages. And I've always played seeker."

"That doesn't mean you won't make a good chaser," James chipped in, wiping his mouth.

"I guess," I agreed tentatively, before turning to Sirius. "But I said I'd help Peter with his Muggle Studies after lunch.

"You've helped him out so much lately – he's not going to mind if you don't show up just this once," Sirius reasoned, kissing my forehead. "I don't know how you've managed it, to be honest; he's _so _boring."

"But he's your best friend."

Sirius snorted. "I suppose."

I hesitated. "James, what do I have to do in the trial?"

"The first one is really just flying. It's so annoying to have to do that way, but you get so many idiots turning up who barely know how to sit on a broom, let alone fly on it."

I turned to Sirius doubtfully. "Shall I try then?"

He smiled. "Why not?"

* * *

It was very cold outside, even for October. My fingers felt like immovable pieces of twig as I gripped my broom and prepared to kick off. I was one of at least twenty students trying out, some of them only second years. On James' whistle I felt myself instinctively shoot into the air, easily navigating my way around the pitch as James' first task dictated. At first I had been surprised at such a simple instruction but once I completed the first half of the circuit, I realised why. Four people were still struggling to get into the air; some were dangling in midair from where they had kicked off and most were still by the golden hoops. Only seven other people had either managed to keep up with me or overtake me.

Once everyone had made it back to where James was standing, he kept eight of us (including myself) outside and sent the rest back to the changing rooms. Feeling rather proud of myself, I looked to Sirius and my heart leapt a little when he winked at me.

The next tasks were slightly more complex, but not too difficult. They all involved the quaffle for obvious reasons, and after about half an hour, James whittled down the numbers even further.

"Stand in a line!" he ordered. "Robinson, Ingram and Sullivan – step forward. The rest of you: back to the changing rooms. Thanks for your time."

There were groans of disappointment as the other five people trudged off the pitch. Elated, I began to smile – until a sudden thought struck me.

"The next stage of the trials is going to take place tomorrow afternoon," James told us. "Well done for getting this far, and good luck for tomorrow!"

As soon as the other two students began to make their way back to the changing rooms, I ran up to James.

"You're not just putting me through to keep Sirius, happy, are you?"

He looked positively offended. "No, of course not."

"Or to impress Lily?"

"What do you take me for?" he demanded.

I looked down. "I just can't believe you've put me through."

"Why? You were actually pretty good."

Sirius joined us, kissing me as congratulations.

James groaned. "In front of me? Do you have to?"

"Sorry, Prongs," Sirius apologised, grinning.

"Yeah, whatever," James replied, looking thoroughly disgusted. "See you in Herbology."

"I'd better go with him," Sirius said regretfully, looking at his watch. "Have you got a free period now?"

"Yep. I'll probably go up to the tower and get some work done."

"Okay. I'm really proud of you, you know."

I smiled as he hugged me, and watched him hurry off to catch up with James.

I was becoming accustomed to wandering up to the boys' dormitories in the afternoons and waiting for Sirius so that we could spend some time together. Because I now only studied three subjects instead of five, naturally I had more free periods than Sirius did. I also knew that the first thing Sirius did after finishing his lessons was to dump his bag by his bed, so I would go up there to do some work when it was quiet and empty, and wait for him. It was a routine that we had easily settled into.

I took my usual place on Sirius' bed, opening my bag and spreading all my books over the sheets so that I could see each one without it being covered by another. I decided to focus on my Astronomy essay first; I had always been guilty of doing the work for the subjects I liked most first and leaving the rest to do later. Opening the cover of my textbook, I took out the slip of paper I was using to write down all the essays I was given this week.

"Hello."

Startled, I looked up to see that it was Peter.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine," I replied, smiling at him. "I just didn't realise there was anyone else here."

He moved a little closer to me. "Only me and you."

I felt a little disconcerted. "Peter, I'm so sorry about before. It was the quidditch trials – I wasn't even planning to try out."

His blue eyes seemed less weak and watery. "You were too busy to help me?"

"It wasn't like that – it took much longer than I thought. I'm really sorry."

He moved closer again so that he was at the side of Sirius' bedpost. "You always have time for Sirius."

"That's not true," I protested.

"Oh yes, it is," he said coldly. "If Sirius clicks his fingers, you go running to him. You don't have any time for me unless Sirius is doing something else. You always choose him over me."

I was beginning to feel angry. "Peter, I'm sorry for what happened today but I've spent a lot of time helping you. Sirius is my boyfriend and I love him. I have my own work to do. I can't spend all my time with you."

"Clearly," he spat. "What happened to 'Just ask me, Peter' or 'You can always come to me, Peter'?"

"I was trying to be nice!" I exclaimed, angrily, snatching all my books from the bed and heaping them back into my bag.

"Well, you didn't try hard enough!" he shouted back.

Hurt and angry, I picked up my bag and made as if to leave the dormitory, but as I stood up, Peter lunged towards me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I demanded, pushing him away.

"Why does Sirius always get everything he wants?" he muttered furiously to himself. _"Accio!"_

My wand flew out of my robes and into his hand. At the back of my mind, I registered some surprise that he was actually able to perform that spell. He threw the wand towards the door of the dormitory, far out of my reach.

A sickening feeling started to build in my stomach and I began to panic as he moved closer towards me.

"I didn't it to be like this, Rain," he said, his voice shaking. "But if you don't do what I ask you to, I'll make sure that _everyone_ finds out about Ruby being pregnant.


	32. Déjà Vu

**Hello everyone! Okay, so I haven't managed to update quite as quickly as I hoped but this is still much quicker than usual :P There will be two more chapters after this one and then this story will be finished. **

**As always, thank you to everyone who reviewed - I hope you enjoy reading this chapter and again, please tell me what you think :)  
**

* * *

"Why are you doing this?" I cried as he moved closer and closer towards me. "All I've done is try to help you!"

The red mist before his eyes did not lift. "Because Sirius has everything I want," he growled. "I'm sick of being treated like a second class citizen next to him and James. Even Remus."

"Did I treat you like that?" I asked pleadingly.

Peter stopped. "You… no." He stumbled over his words, seeming unsure of himself. "I thought you liked me but then…"

Trying to take advantage of his sudden confusion, I said convincingly, "I _do _like you, Peter."

"But you didn't show up today…"

"Only because I had quidditch," I protested desperately. "Peter, you've got this all wrong."

"I don't… what do you mean?"

"You're angry because I didn't show up today – that's all this is about! It was only because I had quidditch, Peter. Please believe me."

He looked at me for a moment, sighed, and sat down beside me.

"I'm sorry."

I had no idea what to say in return. My heart was still beating at double its usual rate and besides, what _could_ I say?

"I just… I like you a lot and I hate seeing you with Sirius."

Something clicked inside my head. "When you say… when you say you like me, wha- what exactly do you mean?"

"I mean I like you," he replied, gazing at me with a simple smile on his face. "I like you, just as you said you like me."

He turned to face me and my stomach lurched as his mouth seemed to move closer and closer to mine.

"Peter, don't – please, stop – "

He ignored me and pressed his horrible lips onto mine. I could feel his hands, his disgusting snaking hands, begin to move across my body. First it was my neck, then my shoulders and then he started to tear my shirt. Tears began to trickle down the side of my face; I felt a terrible dread and a sickening realization as each one of my muscles tightened and froze. I was trapped: by him and by my own fear.

"Don't think about him," Peter whispered. "It's just us now."

I could feel his right hand slithering up my thigh and I desperately wanted to be sick.

In my cold terror, I never heard the dormitory door open. It was only when Peter flew across the room that something began to register in my mind.

"Rain, what happened?"

I barely recognized the frantic voice as Remus'. Shivering, shaking, I could not reply.

"Did he… was he trying to…?"

I just could not speak. It was as if a huge lump had formed in the middle of my throat and would not move. I could feel my chest heaving like I was crying.

In any case, Remus seemed to understand.

"I can't believe he would do something like this," he murmured, more to himself.

In my mind too, I was struggling to comprehend what had just happened. The memory of Peter's actions, just a few minutes ago, was playing continuously in a loop inside my head. My heart was still beating at what seemed liked thrice its normal rate.

Then, over Remus' shoulder, I saw his face. My stomach lurched. He was paralyzed, but even so, I just could not bear to look at him. I turned my head away – and there, standing by the dormitory door, was Sirius.

I saw him look at Remus and me suspiciously; then he glanced at the corner of the room where Peter lay and his expression changed.

"What's going on?" he asked tentatively.

Remus stood up and moved towards Sirius. Sitting alone on the bed, I wrapped my arms around myself, staring at the floor, cold and tearful.

I could hear Remus speaking to Sirius. What he was saying exactly I could not quite make out. A minute later, Sirius motioned violently towards Peter – Remus stopped him. Startled, I lifted my head.

"That's not what she needs right now." Sensible Remus. He always knew what to do.

I gazed at Sirius. His face was of such a contortion of fury that it alarmed me.

"Go and comfort her. Give her some chocolate and when she's a bit better, take her to the hospital wing. I'll deal with _him._"

Sirius moved slowly and came to sit by me. He didn't say anything; just put his duvet around me.

I took another glance of his face.

I hesitated.

"You're angry," I whispered.

"Yes, I am." His voice shook.

All my breath seemed to leave my lungs. I knew it. He blamed me.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. He just – I couldn't… I was so scared… I…"

My body began to shake with my racked sobs and I could not finish.

His expressions changed again. Now he seemed horrified.

"I'm not angry with you. Never you. How could I be angry with you?"

He put his arms around me; it made me start.

"I'm sorry – I'm sorry," I apologized desperately.

"No, I'm sorry," he interrupted softly. "I should have asked. Can I…?"

I nodded; he tried again, and this time I began to feel some relief from the contact.

We sat for a moment like that – me, wrapped in his duvet and his arms. Then –

"Can I… how… how far did he go?" Sirius asked hesitantly, in a tiny voice.

"He… put… he put his hand…"

The lump reformed in my throat, constricting my breathing as I remembered.

"I couldn't… he wouldn't…"

"Oh god," Sirius breathed.

"I'm so sorry," I cried. "I'm so sorry."

He held me tighter. "This isn't your fault, Rain," he said softly. "This – none of it – is your fault. He did something terrible to you. If Remus hadn't been there…"

He shook his head and grabbed something off his bedside table.

"Here… it might help."

I stared at the chocolate in his hand, wondering how I could bring myself to eat it. After some hesitation, I took it from his hands and unwrapped it slowly. I brought it to my mouth and bit off the tiniest corner piece I possibly could. It was so incredibly sweet but ever so slightly warming.

"I had been trying to help him," I whispered to Sirius, trying my strength. "I felt _sorry _for him…"

"He's a monster. What kind of man…"

"I was so scared… I…"

"It's okay," he murmured. "It's okay, I'm here."

I took another bite of the chocolate, larger this time.

"What's going to happen now?" I asked him timidly.

He sighed. "Remus has probably taken him to Dumbledore, who will hopefully let everyone know what a monster he is."

I froze. "What do you mean?"

He seemed surprised. "Just that everyone needs to know what he's really like."

"Sirius, _no one _can know about this. No one."

"But Rain – "

"People stare at me enough as it is. I can't deal with everyone knowing. I just can't deal with it."

He look as though he was about to argue, but then he seemed to think better of it and gave in.

"Okay, no one knows. But you have to let me take to the hospital wing."

"What for?"

"So Madam Pomfrey can check you over. You're in shock; this has been a horrific for you."

"But – "

"Please, Rain. I need to know you'll be okay."

I nodded but said nothing.

He held me to him and kissed my hair tenderly.

"I love you so much, Rain."

"Do you?" I asked in a small voice.

He nodded.

"I hate him," he spat suddenly. "Who does he think he is?"

A pause.

"Don't, please," I chided softly.

"Sorry," he whispered. "Will you come to the hospital wing?"

I sighed. "I suppose."

"Don't get up too quickly," he warned gently.

I did as he said but my vision still went black for a second or two as I stood.

We walked together to the dormitory door, his arm around me. I left the room without looking back.

Thankfully, the common room was mostly deserted when we went through. I felt completely exhausted. I was walking like an eighty year old woman – drained.

When we arrived at the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey was waiting for us. I could tell that someone had already informed her of what happened. She was kinder and more sympathetic than I had ever known her to be. Sirius hovered about, unsure of himself – in the end he made some excuse and left.

Remus came to see me before long. He said that he had taken Peter to see Dumbledore, who was now deciding what action to take.

I had always liked Remus. He was kind and responsible; traits that I was not always sure that James and Sirius shared. And now, having regained some ability to think straight and a will not to focus on what had happened, I remembered Ruby's predicament. Could I let Remus do so much for me and allow Ruby to continue doing something that I believed was wrong?

I began tentatively. "Remus, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Have you… spoken to Ruby lately?"

His discomfort showed in his expression. "Rain, should you really be worrying about this right now?"

"Please, Remus."

He heaved a sigh. "No, I haven't. I'm pretty sure that she's avoiding me."

I bit my lip, nervous. "I know the reason why."

He started. "What do you mean?"

I took a breath before I continued. "I mean I know the reason why she's avoiding you, but I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because she made me promise not to tell anyone and I can't break my word – she's my best friend."

"But you're telling me something's wrong?" he replied, worried.

"I… something's happening. Something big. You have to talk to her, Remus."

"She's not ill, is she?" he whispered, looking terrified.

"No… but she's really going to need you. Please, Remus. Go and talk to her."

* * *

I left the hospital wing the next day. I was walking around in a daze, not concentrating on anything or paying attention to anyone. A bizarre feeling of detached horror weighed on top of me as if it was pushing me closer and closer to the ground. It felt like a huge burden, several kilograms of hard heavy iron lying on my shoulders that I could not shake away. Every time I looked up _his_ face loomed before me and then the film began to play. This film, where instead of Remus bursting in, we were left alone and the nightmare scenario started. It recurred so often that it seemed as though my memory was struggling to understand it had not actually happened.

I had seen Dumbledore. Of course, I had had to recount everything and then, after reassuring me that only those who needed to know would be told of it, he left me alone. He kept his word and I was relieved: Remus and Sirius already knew; Lily and Ruby seemed to know without me telling them, and _he_ had disappeared to "visit a relative".

So why was it that I was here, alone in our dormitory bathroom, before the mirror?

I supposed that in a way, I had always known that this would be how my life panned out. I should have realized that as soon as anything went wrong that that would be it and I would be back on the road to self destruction, hating myself.

One by one, garment by garment, I began to take off all of my clothes. First my robes, then my jumper, and then I felt myself carry on, letting all the material covering my body sink to the floor. I gazed at the patterns in the stone floor, transfixed as I stood before the mirror, cold and naked.

Slowly, very slowly, I lifted my head. I stared at the girl in the mirror. Instinctively, my hands began to feel what I could see and I watched as the red marks started to form where I had too aggressively grabbed the excess fat on my thighs. Tears fell down my cheeks as I felt an intense disgust as I touched the exact same skin that _he_ had. I wanted to tear it off, to not have to look at it ever again. I was revolting.

I felt dirty. I could pinpoint every place on my body _he _had touched and I hated it. I hated my own skin and I hated myself. Then, with a powerful sense of déjà vu, my eyes fell upon the exact same scissors poking out of Ruby's wash bag that had cut the scars into my wrists all those months ago. As though in a trance, I seemed to gravitate towards them, slowly moving the zipper to reveal the contents of the bag, and I reached to take them. The feel of the metal, cold to the touch, shocked me. Images flashed freely through my hazed mind, one after the other: Lucy, standing at the door; Lucy, horrified; Lucy, gone.

Just like Lucy, I froze. The scissors fell from my hand in a ghostlike motion, heavily hitting the ground with an overlooked importance. Just like Lucy, I stood in the doorway, horrified. Just like Lucy, I turned my back on the bathroom and ran for help, desperate.


End file.
